Not 'muttering' idiots but blithering idiots @ No 10

"Did you hear 'Boy David' Cameron in full bully-boy flow during PMQs?" Arturo asked.

I had indeed heard him. This time it seemed it was 'Mesmer Eyes' Balls who got under his skin and got the retort that he was a 'muttering idiot'. Speaker Bercow pounced as quick as a flash and Cameron was warned that this was unparliamentary language!

According to The Press Association:

Balls staggered at PM's idiot taunt

The report continued:

Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls has said he was "completely staggered" when David Cameron branded him a "muttering idiot" during an angry outburst in the Commons.

He claimed the Prime Minister's instinct was to "lash out" but suggested it would be better if he "calmed down" and examined where he was going wrong.

The insult came after Mr Balls repeatedly taunted the Conservative leader during prime minister's questions on Wednesday, reportedly telling him to "chillax, and have another glass of wine" - a reference to a recently published book which claims Mr Cameron unwinds from the stresses of his job by drinking three or four glasses of wine with Sunday lunch.

Mr Balls told Sky News: "To be fair to me, I have not been muttering for the last 18 months, I've been shouting from the rooftops the Cameron Osborne plan would fail."

He added: "If I'm honest with you I was completely staggered. It was 12.27pm and suddenly he lashes out like that. I was completely taken aback. But, you know, the guy is obviously worried about the economy and worried about his reputation and doesn't know what to do and his instinct is to lash out."

He added "Actually, it would be better if he calmed down and thought to himself 'what did I get wrong, what can I do about it?'

http://www.google.com/hostednews/ukpress/article/ALeqM5hBtFlsT3VamhWkbBUz0IChMkssCQ?docId=N0309131337866309562A

Of course, as Arturo has repeatedly said, this week, 'Boy David' must be in a right old tizz over the goings-on at the Leveson show. Every time anyone giving evidence opens their mouth, they drop both Jeremy 'permanently shocked' Hunt and Cameron right in the proverbial!

'Little Lad' Adam Smith gamely tried to fend off the googlies bowled at him by Mr Jay. But the picture created is one of chaos at the DCMS. This is not to come as a shock when the Department for Media, Culture and Sport is in the hands of a man who looks so obviously amazed at life in general.

However, Cameron is no doubt to be held to account for actually putting the BSkyB decision into such a pair of hands. This is particularly so when Jeremy 'permanently shocked' Hunt had stated in 2010 about News Corp's bid to take full control of BSkyB :

The UK has the chance to lead the way on this as we did in the 80s with the Wapping move but if we block it our media sector will suffer for years ... I think it would be totally wrong to cave into the Mark Thompson/Channel 4/Guardian line that this represents a substantial change of control given that we all know Sky is controlled by News Corp now anyway...

http://www.guardian.co.uk/politics/2012/may/24/leveson-inquiry-jeremy-hunt-bskyb?newsfeed=true

If only, the News Corp bid to run the whole of BSkyB had been referred to the Competition Commission, all this brouhaha might have been avoided. The Commission has strict rules and guidelines regarding 'prejudgement'. The Commission states:

It is important that members approach decision-taking on behalf of the CC with an open mind. Their ability to consider a particular case might be compromised or might appear to be compromised, for example, if they had written an article or made a speech expressing strong views about a particular merger or market, or, in an extreme case, had expressed strong opinions about a particular type of evidence or methodology.

http://www.competition-commission.org.uk/assets/competitioncommission/docs/pdf/non-inquiry/our_peop/members/conflicts_interest/110407_conflicts_guidance_for_publication.pdf

Oh, 'Boy David' Cameron, why didn't you read that before giving the ability to adjudge the News Corp bid to Jeremy 'permanently shocked' Hunt? After all - his opinion was known as far back as 2010!

Still all this does make for entertaining viewing on the TV. It's either Leveson or 'Murder, she wrote'! Next week is going to be nail-biting time! On Monday, former PM, Tony 'I really do believe it' Blair, is to be giving evidence. Since the man never actually knew what he was doing on any given day, he cannot be expected to remember anything about his dealings with Murdoch! Unless, of course, he's paid to give a lecture about it, then he has 20-20 vision.

Next, our present PM, 'Boy David' Cameron will be taking the stand. No doubt he'll be on his best behaviour no 'muttering idiot' comments this time.

As Arturo said in my ear 'It's a great life, if you don't weaken!' As for us, we're getting away from the blithering idiots here in Downing Street and going to cool off in Trafalgar Square near the fountains.

'Bye'

DVD Dave @ No 10

"All work and no play make who - a dull boy? Not our 'Boy David' Cameron, that's for sure!" Arturo said.

We'd heard that our PR of a PM has been given the nickname, DVD Dave, for his propensity to curl up on the sofa and watch a boxed set of dvds in order to 'chillax'.

Can you imagine Maggie Thatcher spending her evenings in front of a boxed set of 'Desperate Housewives'? Well, apparently, that is one of our DVD Dave's collection! The mind surely boggles!

Andrew Hough, in the 'Telegraph', comments on a biography of 'Boy David' Cameron that is shortly to be published: 'Cameron: Practically a Conservative'. The book has been written by Francis Elliott of The Times and James Hanning of The Independent on Sunday.

According to Hough's article:

One “ally” of Mr Cameron told the book’s authors: “If there was an Olympic gold medal for ‘chillaxing’, the Prime Minister would win it.”

Michael Gove, the Education Secretary and a family friend, added: “He is the model of how to have a clear divide between the world of work and then relaxation so you can clear your mind.

"There are very few people who have such a finely developed capacity to do that.”

There are interesting snippets of information in this article. Here is one describing how Cameron is:

... a frequent visitor to political betting websites, in order to keep tabs on the latest polling methodology...

And another states:

Mr Cameron, 45, has been dubbed “DVD Dave” for his love of box sets

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/politics/david-cameron/9276511/David-Cameron-how-karaoke-and-tennis-make-PM-a-chillaxing-champ.html

'a frequent visitor to political betting websites'!! 'to keep tabs on the latest polling methodology'!! Pull the other one, please!Why doesn't Cameron do what Julius Caesar did? Sacrifice a few chickens and study their entrails! Much more reliable and less tempting than 'political betting websites'. Still, as they say, each to his own.

Arturo wonders if our 'Boy David' Cameron even has his own personal astrologer to cast his horoscope before going to PMQs. We have seen suspicious signs on disgarded pieces of paper.

Whoops! Dearie me, I nearly forgot another snippet from the article. It's one that will freeze the heart of 'Wailing Lad', otherwise known as 'Ridiculous Nicholas' Clegg. Here it is:

To escape the pressures of the problems currently gripping the country, he is also said to invite friends over for a game of snooker.

When he is on his own, he takes on a machine that fires tennis balls at him at high velocity, which he has nicknamed “the Clegger” following his closely-fought victory against the Deputy Prime Minister.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/politics/david-cameron/9276511/David-Cameron-how-karaoke-and-tennis-make-PM-a-chillaxing-champ.html

Now Arturo and I have heard of punch-balls. But 'the Clegger' might make even the most stable of souls rather paranoid. How would you fancy having the stuffing knocked out of an imaginary you, day after day? Then again, we expect Clegg is becoming used to that idea!

Arturo and I were still bemused by the quotation about Cameron that had been made by Gove:

“He is the model of how to have a clear divide between the world of work and then relaxation so you can clear your mind.

"There are very few people who have such a finely developed capacity to do that."

We have concluded that 'Boy David' Cameron has been so effective at clearing his mind that he's ended up with an empty head!

Arturo and I are going off to try to develop a 'chillaxing' strategy for ourselves - and one that does not entail catching our own dinners!

'Bye'

S.O.S. it's LOL :) :( @ No 10

"Well, here's a fine howdy-do! 'Boy David' Cameron didn't know the difference between LYL and LOL! Though it seems, he does now!" Arturo was grinning from ear to ear. Of course, he's the Downing Street guru on txt-talk. I let him continue to have his fun! What else could I do?

"You need to hone up your emoticons, Butch! Never know when they'll come in useful."

I'd had enough of all this banter from Arturo. So I slunk away to look at the papers. The Guardian had two that caught my eye.

The first was written by Josh Halliday under the headline

Leveson inquiry: the 'gossipy items' denied by Rebekah Brooks
Former Sun editor rejects claims about her swimming habits, wardrobe and that retired police horse

He wrote:

.. during five hours of questioning at the Leveson inquiry on Friday, former editor Rebekah Brooks attempted to debunk a string of what she called "gossipy items" on her alleged swimming habits, wardrobe – and the retired police horse she borrowed.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/2012/may/11/rebekah-brooks-faces-own-gossip

I had watched some of the show - for show it surely was - and noted the way the Red-Haired Brooks parried the questions. Her steely eyes contrasting with the Puritan style garb she was wearing. Here we had no modest damsel at her prayers but a veritable Machiavellian pseud.

Even the brilliant Mr Jay had problems getting at the truth, as opposed to the fantasy of the world inhabited by Brooks, Cameron, Osborne and Coulson. The ever present eminence grise of Rupert Murdoch hovered like some spectre at the feast.

Indeed, the 'show' was riveting but hardly informative. Brooks, ruffling her long locks, like Medusa, seemed to keep the facts at more than arm's length. Jay, despite his best efforts, only managed to tease out the odd snippet here and there.

Just like Coulson, the day before, one got the impression that Brooks had been endlessly rehearsed and tested before swearing to 'tell the truth, the whole truth'. Maybe in their world, truth and fantasy become so blurred that truth metamorphoses into fantasy. Maybe, Brooks and Coulson really do not know the difference.

It was the facts about the Christmas Dinner that Brooks and Cameron attended that exercised the writer of the second article in the Guardian. Ian Katz wrote the article under the headline

More details emerge of Rebekah Brooks and David Cameron's cosy Christmas
The former News International chief's evidence at Leveson fills in a missing piece in one of the phone-hacking drama's subplots

He continued:

... to students of the Cameron-Brooks relationship, the former News International chief executive's brief account of a party at her sister-in-law's home on Boxing Day filled in a key piece in an intriguing subplot of the phone-hacking drama.

Katz went on:

When the Guardian first began asking in January 2011 whether David Cameron had attended a dinner chez Brooks at Christmas, Downing Street was evasive. First it categorically denied that the pair had met on Christmas Day, then it refused to confirm or deny whether they had met on another Yule-ish date.

When it emerged that Rupert Murdoch's son James had also been at the dinner on 23 December, a lobby source grudgingly confirmed the prime minister had attended, but insisted that the BSkyB deal had not been discussed. Since then, Murdoch and Rebekah Brooks have both said it was – if only in what Murdoch Jr called "a tiny side conversation".

Wow! Now that was a show stopper, if ever there was one - 'a tiny side conversation'!! Some 'tiny'! This was interesting.

Katz continued:

Over the months since, we have learned more about the Brooks-Cameron Christmas dinner – like the fact that the guests discussed whether to take sausage rolls on an upcoming picnic – but little about a rumoured second Cameron-Brooks encounter on Boxing Day.

Although Downing Street confirmed two meetings between Brooks and Cameron in December 2010, it wasn't clear when and where the second had taken place and all involved – including Brooks – remained resolutely tight-lipped. Until Friday, when Brooks told the Leveson inquiry she and the PM had attended "a Boxing Day mulled wine, mince pie party at my sister-in-law's". She didn't remember speaking to Cameron, but her sister-in-law had reminded her that he and Samantha were definitely there "so I would have seen them".

http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/2012/may/11/rebekah-brooks-david-cameron-christmas

I'm sure the supporters of Medusa - sorry Brooks - must have thought - 'That's my girl!' Was ever memory loss so valuable! One wonders if she really even knows who she is!

The saga is not over. 'Boy David' Cameron and Georgy Osborne have yet to appear. One can only hope, for their sakes that they have been as well rehearsed as Medusa.

Meanwhile, back in the corner of the Cabinet Office, Arturo was still practising his txt-talk.
"2BZ4UQT I'm almost AAK! AIAMU if that's the EOT"

I thought to myself: Poor old 'Boy David' Cameron. I'll bet he wished he'd never set eyes on the Chipping Norton set! I bet he wished he had never learnt it was possible to use text message shortcuts. I bet he wished that he had, at least, found out how to say what he actually intended!

So, I slunk away again! This txt-talk is unbearable - and dangerous!

Here's a short glossary, Cameron should have consulted before he texted the Red Haired Brooks:

LYL Love you lots
LOL Laugh out loud
2BZ4UQT Too Busy For You Cutey
AAK! Asleep at keyboard
AIAMU And I'm A Monkey's Uncle
EOT End of thread
GGOH Gotta get out of here

Arturo called out from the corner of the room: "Tell Cameron YRYOCC - (You're Running on Your Own Cookoo Clock)."

As far as I'm concerned: TTFN. In case 'Boy David' Cameron doesn't know what this means - Ta Ta For Now.

Laurel & Hardy @ CNH Tractors, sorry - @ No 10

"They look just like Laurel and Hardy!" Arturo laughed.

"Who?" I asked, peering at his copy of 'The Times' on May 9.

"These two." He pointed at a photo of 'Wailing Lad' Clegg and 'Boy David' Cameron.

The photo showed a rather bow-legged Clegg, looking his usual miserable self. He was standing next to a puffed-up Cameron, legs apart and jacket-less. They were re-launching themselves as a pair. A pair of what, do I hear you ask? As well you might!

They are re-launching their partnership at the head of the Coalition. This is not the lovey-dovey scenario of the Downing Street rose garden. This is the gritty down-to-earth shop-floor of CNH Tractors in Basildon, Essex.

In the photo, there are a large group of male workers staring in evident amazement at these two comedians desperately trying to demonstrate they are still a force in the land with realistic, dynamic policies that will ensure success for everyone - but particularly their own careers.

How like Laurel and Hardy they appear. Clegg's face showing the anguish of Stan Laurel. Cameron's gritted teeth could so easily be muttering

"Well, here's another nice mess you've gotten me into!"

The photo appeared in a witty article written by Ann Treneman of The Times under the headline

A manful struggle to keep the magic alive

In this, she quotes a memorable line from Cameron

What you call austerity, what I might call efficiency

Now that is what I would call a typical PR man's spin! The linking of austerity with efficiency is a link too far, in my humble opinion! If there ain't no jobs - that's austerity and there's no way you can be efficient! Maybe, our Laurel and Hardy need to have a word or two with their European pals and find out whether austerity and efficiency are synonymous in their particular vocabularies.

Ann Treneman concludes:

Young marrieds take note. This is not how to keep the magic alive. A mere two years ago, Dave and Nick strolled down the garden path. I suppose the dangers were there last year when they spent their first anniversary in the handball arena in the Olympic park. But tractors?

Next year, who knows? Maybe it will be the abattoir.

'Laurel' Clegg and 'Hardy' Cameron as mincemeat! Now that is an image to conjure with!

Talking about mincemeat - Arturo and I are off to scavenge round the nearby butcher's floor for any scraps!

'Bye'

'Ming vase in the hands of an ape' @ No 10

"Well, well, well! 'Boy David' Cameron had better watch his back!" Arturo muttered.

"You mean, that Miliband chap will soon be the new resident here?" I asked.

"No, stupid! It's that 'Mop-Head' Johnson who he's got to watch out for! Have you learned nothing!! It's not your enemies you need to beware - it's so-called friends!"

I admit to being rather puzzled over this remark. Then I considered the matter. 'Boy David' Cameron's friends have been the ones landing him in the sh**, time after time.

Take for example the owner of the late lamented ex-police horse, Raisa. That red-haired lady's dinner parties were almost the kiss-of-death for both 'Boy David' and 'Georgy' Osborne. In fact, this week when her text messages and emails are to be revealed, 'Boy David' will be on the edge of his seat! My advice is beware of 'friends' inviting you for a kitchen dinner! You may not go home and vomit but you sure as heck may need to eat your words at the next Select Committee investigation or the Leveson Inquiry.

Then, there are the 'friends' of Cameron who have given their advice willy-nilly, such as:

Why not choose Andy Coulson to be your director of communications? He's such a steady chap! He's no longer got a link with News International!

We wait for Coulson's appearance at Leveson! There are wild rumours running through the air about his share portfolio! 'Boy David' Cameron will again be holding fast to the edge of his seat and keeping his fingers crossed - a rather dangerous manoeuvre, particularly if you're riding a horse!

Also, there were pals who suggested Cameron should support the campaign to sell off the forests. That went down like a lead-ballon!

Other 'friends' advised Cameron to let 'Weasel Man' Maude speak out about the petrol crisis. He turned what was a non-crisis into a veritable minefield!

Cameron must have consulted 'friends' and 'advisers' over his now infamous New Year speech in which he said

I will be bold about working to cure the problems of our society. While a few at the top get rewards that seem to have nothing to do with the risks they take or the effort they put in, many others are stuck on benefits, without hope or responsibility. So we will tackle excess in the City just as we’re reforming welfare to make work pay and support families.

http://www.number10.gov.uk/news/2012-new-year-message-from-david-cameron/

As Arturo said to me:

Some tackling! Some reform!

Arturo and I know 'Boy David must have regretted having said that! And if he didn't, we'd say: Just look at the May 4 election results, 'Boy David'! Most voters have long memories. Remember this:

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can not fool all of the people all of the time.

Those, it was said, were the words of Abraham Lincoln, 16th president of America. It's a text that 'Boy David' and Georgy would do well to study, mark and inwardly digest.

Also, one other piece of advice - Tory Prime Ministers and Chancellors have suffered glancing blows from those on the Opposition benches. The real daggers have come from the 'friends' sitting on the benches directly behind them. Nadine Dorries is already sharpening her dagger.

'Be warned: Party bosses only need 46 signatures to ditch the leader. They'll get them by Christmas'

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/debate/article-2140153/Nadine-Dorries-warns-David-Cameron-Be-warned-Party-bosses-need-46-signatures-ditch-leader-Theyll-Christmas.

Arturo and I think she's more interested in holding on to her own seat then she is expressing real concern for the plight of the country!

One more tip from us. They'd also better keep a wary eye on City Hall too. Though Boris 'Mop-Head' Johnson was compared to an ape holding a Ming vase when he took over the Spectator - such men are dangerous! Didn't Julius Caesar say that?

As for me and Arturo, we're off to get some toasted brie and grapes to celebrate the results of the French election with Jean-Paul, the Manx cat from Whitehall.

'Bye'