Boy David still in a bit of a dither! I heard him muttering to himself this morning. You see, I didn't wake up till after the PM had come into the Cabinet Office. So as not to be kicked in the ribs, I slunk behind a thick velvet curtain, so that was alright!
He began muttering to himself about how there must not be any more turnarounds. If he said something was going to take place then it sure as hell would! I think he had that chap, Gove, on his mind! He's had so many u-turns it's a wonder he's not dizzy!
But our Boy David was obviously worried about what would happen when the Department for Work and Pensions made their announcements! What announcements, do I hear you ask? Well the ones about who will do the testing of those on incapacity benefit! Are they really fit for work, or are they shamming? Boy David and Georgy think they'll rake in at least £3 billion. That's what Boy David was told by the DWP. 'Just help them into work' someone said, 'we'll save billions!'
It seems companies from as far as the US and Australia are queuing up just to run the Work Capability Assessment. What's in it for them, one wonders!
I think that Larry, the pampered moggy living with them upstairs, should be the first to do the 'work capability assessment'. He was planted here to catch rats. He gets the food, cream and grooming, but, I ain't yet seen the work!
Wonder what that 'most annoying person in politics' - the one with the brain, wonder what he thinks about all this!
Thursday 31 March 2011
Wednesday 30 March 2011
Losing one's cool @No 10
Poor old Boy David! I think all the rush and bother of yesterday must somehow have 'got to him'. Usually, he keeps up his Etonian gentlemanly facade! Also his PR training often serves him well. 'Never lose your cool' is a PR mantra. 'Never let them get under your skin' is something all really adept PR people know and abide by. But our Boy David let his cool warm up quite a bit today, I can tell you!
Of course, yesterday it was all smiles and gracious nods! Can't let yourself down in front of the foreigners. But in the House of Commons at PMQ - well ....
For some reason, both Boy David and Georgy from next door seem rather worried by the big man called Balls! Maybe it's the name! Maybe it's the brain! Maybe it's the eyes! Maybe it's because he has a brilliant wife! Whatever it is, he gets under their skin. And today - all the annoyance was voiced.
Boy David announced to the House of Commons : Mr Balls is "the most annoying person in modern politics". He added: "I wish the shadow chancellor would occasionally shut up and listen to the answer."
Arturo told me that probably Mr Balls doesn't need to listen to the answer, since he knows it'll be rubbish. And anyway he usually has a better answer!
I thought that might be a bit hard on Boy David. What do you think?
Of course, yesterday it was all smiles and gracious nods! Can't let yourself down in front of the foreigners. But in the House of Commons at PMQ - well ....
For some reason, both Boy David and Georgy from next door seem rather worried by the big man called Balls! Maybe it's the name! Maybe it's the brain! Maybe it's the eyes! Maybe it's because he has a brilliant wife! Whatever it is, he gets under their skin. And today - all the annoyance was voiced.
Boy David announced to the House of Commons : Mr Balls is "the most annoying person in modern politics". He added: "I wish the shadow chancellor would occasionally shut up and listen to the answer."
Arturo told me that probably Mr Balls doesn't need to listen to the answer, since he knows it'll be rubbish. And anyway he usually has a better answer!
I thought that might be a bit hard on Boy David. What do you think?
Tuesday 29 March 2011
Hells Bells @ Nos 10 & 11
Arturo scampered into the kitchen of No 10. Anyone could see he was in a right old state! He settled down to a bowl of milk, got his breath back, then told me:
"Next door is going mad! Our Georgy is giving evidence today to the Commons Treasury Committee about his precious budget. All his advisers were talking at once. They were telling him what to say; how to say it; what not to say; how to smile; how to look serious. Georgy lost his cool and told them all to 'shut up'. Then, he stormed out! I think he'll mess it up!"
"Same here," I said. "Total madness, everyone running up and down stairs. Why? Because Boy David is holding some big conference for loads of important people. He was rehearsing his speech this morning. I heard him say:
Arturo looked at me. "Humans are very strange, Butch! Why can't they be more like cats? Just look at us: no speeches, no conferences, no committees. We don't cause suffering to nobody! We just do our job - we catch rats! Do we get thanks? No, siree!"
I had to agree, but then I said "One thing, Arturo, we don't get thrown out every few years and be made to look real stupid on TV or have to eat our words! I think I'm glad I'm a cat!"
"Next door is going mad! Our Georgy is giving evidence today to the Commons Treasury Committee about his precious budget. All his advisers were talking at once. They were telling him what to say; how to say it; what not to say; how to smile; how to look serious. Georgy lost his cool and told them all to 'shut up'. Then, he stormed out! I think he'll mess it up!"
"Same here," I said. "Total madness, everyone running up and down stairs. Why? Because Boy David is holding some big conference for loads of important people. He was rehearsing his speech this morning. I heard him say:
Let me welcome you all to London.If he said it once, it would have been enough!"
Foreign Ministers from more than 40 countries – from America to Asia – from Europe to Africa – from the United Nations to the Arab world. All here to unite with one purpose: to help the Libyan people in their hour of need.
Arturo looked at me. "Humans are very strange, Butch! Why can't they be more like cats? Just look at us: no speeches, no conferences, no committees. We don't cause suffering to nobody! We just do our job - we catch rats! Do we get thanks? No, siree!"
I had to agree, but then I said "One thing, Arturo, we don't get thrown out every few years and be made to look real stupid on TV or have to eat our words! I think I'm glad I'm a cat!"
Sunday 27 March 2011
Broken glass & graffiti not in No 10
Not much sleep for anyone last night. Police sirens up and down the roads around here; bangs from fireworks. No self respecting rat emerged from his hole! So, Arturo and I didn't do much hunting.
Instead we decided to see the sites. There were police cars and vans parked everywhere. Bright luminous jackets were lying on the pavements. Smells from burnt out bonfires and fireworks were awful. You see cats have very sensitive noses! So it wasn't pleasant!
We trotted round Trafalgar Square. The lion plinths had red paint on them. One piece of graffiti said 'The revolution is in the mind'. Arturo asked me what it meant. I told him it was some stupid human idea of intelligence.
Usually, we manage to pick up scraps of food from the bins behind the kitchens of the cafes. But not last night! Nothing to pick up, absolutely nothing. The only thing littering the streets were the dropped banners and placards.
We didn't venture as far as Piccadilly. We met an old pal of ours called Monster. He's a one eared black tom who lives behind the Ritz. He was wondering along the Charing Cross Road looking quite punch-drunk. He told us to go no further if we valued our paws. The streets, he said, were covered in broken glass. He'd jumped from one step to another but even so had cut one paw.
He came back with us to Downing Street. Fortunately, there were plenty of scraps behind the kitchen door: two half eaten game pies, a carton of custard and some whipped cream.
The three of us ate well, then Monster licked his paw. We decided we'd had enough adventure for one night. Monster went with Arturo back to No 11. There's more room there, besides it's quieter. I nipped off to the Cabinet Room. No one goes in there on a Saturday night or a Sunday morning.
Think Boy David will be back from his Brussels trip tomorrow.
Instead we decided to see the sites. There were police cars and vans parked everywhere. Bright luminous jackets were lying on the pavements. Smells from burnt out bonfires and fireworks were awful. You see cats have very sensitive noses! So it wasn't pleasant!
We trotted round Trafalgar Square. The lion plinths had red paint on them. One piece of graffiti said 'The revolution is in the mind'. Arturo asked me what it meant. I told him it was some stupid human idea of intelligence.
Usually, we manage to pick up scraps of food from the bins behind the kitchens of the cafes. But not last night! Nothing to pick up, absolutely nothing. The only thing littering the streets were the dropped banners and placards.
We didn't venture as far as Piccadilly. We met an old pal of ours called Monster. He's a one eared black tom who lives behind the Ritz. He was wondering along the Charing Cross Road looking quite punch-drunk. He told us to go no further if we valued our paws. The streets, he said, were covered in broken glass. He'd jumped from one step to another but even so had cut one paw.
He came back with us to Downing Street. Fortunately, there were plenty of scraps behind the kitchen door: two half eaten game pies, a carton of custard and some whipped cream.
The three of us ate well, then Monster licked his paw. We decided we'd had enough adventure for one night. Monster went with Arturo back to No 11. There's more room there, besides it's quieter. I nipped off to the Cabinet Room. No one goes in there on a Saturday night or a Sunday morning.
Think Boy David will be back from his Brussels trip tomorrow.
Saturday 26 March 2011
In the dark at No 10
I was wrong, Boy David did not go to Chequers! No indeed - he went to Brussels! Assured of a calm environment there; no protesters marching passed him! No attacks on Fortnum and Mason or Topshop! No siree - Brussels must be a veritable haven of peace.
Arturo and I ventured up Whitehall, we slunk along the shopfronts and round the corners. There were masses of people banner holding. There were flag waving men, women and children. All very jolly. All very colourful. Then, there were a few nuts dressed in black and waving red-black flags. It all started to get nasty, so we skedaddled back to No 10, before we had a firecracker tied to our tails.
It was calm there, we were enjoying ourselves by feasting on a chicken carcass and a bowl of cream left over from the previous night's dinner. Then - blow me down at 8:30 precisely every single light in the place went out.
"Some rat has gnawed the main electricity cable." Arturo announced. "You and Larry will be for the high jump!"
I was cross, to put it mildly! I've done my job of rat catching. No bloody rat has gnawed any cable here, right under my nose. Then, we saw the candles on the table! Very pretty indeed. Next, we saw the kitchen staff with their hurricane lamps. It seemed strange they were so well prepared. It was as if they'd been expecting it!
Back in No 11, it was just the same. Stranger and stranger. No lights in Downing Street! You would have thought they'd have a generator! After all this place is supposed to be the centre of power, isn't it?
Suddenly, George (Gideon) arrived in his lounge. He never spotted us. He turned to his secretary and said, "This idea of Davids to observe global solidarity with the Earth Hour is excellent. Maybe, we should have an Earth hour twice a week. The Exchequer would save hundreds of pounds!"
Arturo and I looked at each other. So that's what it's all about, Earth Hour! Do they really think one hour of lights off will save the planet? Humans are a strange lot.
Arturo and I don't need light, thank you very much. We superior creatures, cats, see perfectly well in the dark. But you humans can't even walk across a dark room without knocking into the furniture! Was Boy David in the dark in Brussels? We'll never know!
Arturo and I ventured up Whitehall, we slunk along the shopfronts and round the corners. There were masses of people banner holding. There were flag waving men, women and children. All very jolly. All very colourful. Then, there were a few nuts dressed in black and waving red-black flags. It all started to get nasty, so we skedaddled back to No 10, before we had a firecracker tied to our tails.
It was calm there, we were enjoying ourselves by feasting on a chicken carcass and a bowl of cream left over from the previous night's dinner. Then - blow me down at 8:30 precisely every single light in the place went out.
"Some rat has gnawed the main electricity cable." Arturo announced. "You and Larry will be for the high jump!"
I was cross, to put it mildly! I've done my job of rat catching. No bloody rat has gnawed any cable here, right under my nose. Then, we saw the candles on the table! Very pretty indeed. Next, we saw the kitchen staff with their hurricane lamps. It seemed strange they were so well prepared. It was as if they'd been expecting it!
Back in No 11, it was just the same. Stranger and stranger. No lights in Downing Street! You would have thought they'd have a generator! After all this place is supposed to be the centre of power, isn't it?
Suddenly, George (Gideon) arrived in his lounge. He never spotted us. He turned to his secretary and said, "This idea of Davids to observe global solidarity with the Earth Hour is excellent. Maybe, we should have an Earth hour twice a week. The Exchequer would save hundreds of pounds!"
Arturo and I looked at each other. So that's what it's all about, Earth Hour! Do they really think one hour of lights off will save the planet? Humans are a strange lot.
Arturo and I don't need light, thank you very much. We superior creatures, cats, see perfectly well in the dark. But you humans can't even walk across a dark room without knocking into the furniture! Was Boy David in the dark in Brussels? We'll never know!
Friday 25 March 2011
To the barricades @ No 10
Tomorrow will be a big day! That's what Arturo and I think! Not a big day for us, you understand! But a big day for the Boy David and his pals. Why such a big day, you ask?
Well, there are going to be lots and lots and lots of people in London tomorrow. They might even outnumber the rats in town. These people are coming from the North, the West, the East and the South of the country, so I heard a man telling Boy David. He looked livid, Boy David not the man! He said it was a disgrace, especially after all that George (Gideon) had done for the people. After all, hadn't he saved the pockets of the petrol-heads? Hadn't he helped the squeezed middle? What more did they want?
I heard that it's not just the squeezed middle who're coming to town. It's little old ladies from Gloucester; unemployed people from Durham and Newcastle; farmers from Devon; hauliers from Norfolk; trade unionists from everywhere. UKUncut - whoever they are - will be closing down the banks! Sitting in the shops in Oxford Street - generally protesting!
Trafalgar Square will be the scene of all sorts of antics! Maybe Arturo and I will be able to slink out of Downing Street up Whitehall and into the Square. We'd add some class, don't you think? We might even meet up with Mrs Bercow's cat. Gather she's well up for the jaunt too! But whatever happens, Arturo and I will take a peek. Boy David will head for the hills! Chequers in fact! Larry will probably be taken there in his sumptuous cat basket! Never sees any of the action!
Well, there are going to be lots and lots and lots of people in London tomorrow. They might even outnumber the rats in town. These people are coming from the North, the West, the East and the South of the country, so I heard a man telling Boy David. He looked livid, Boy David not the man! He said it was a disgrace, especially after all that George (Gideon) had done for the people. After all, hadn't he saved the pockets of the petrol-heads? Hadn't he helped the squeezed middle? What more did they want?
I heard that it's not just the squeezed middle who're coming to town. It's little old ladies from Gloucester; unemployed people from Durham and Newcastle; farmers from Devon; hauliers from Norfolk; trade unionists from everywhere. UKUncut - whoever they are - will be closing down the banks! Sitting in the shops in Oxford Street - generally protesting!
Trafalgar Square will be the scene of all sorts of antics! Maybe Arturo and I will be able to slink out of Downing Street up Whitehall and into the Square. We'd add some class, don't you think? We might even meet up with Mrs Bercow's cat. Gather she's well up for the jaunt too! But whatever happens, Arturo and I will take a peek. Boy David will head for the hills! Chequers in fact! Larry will probably be taken there in his sumptuous cat basket! Never sees any of the action!
Thursday 24 March 2011
The Day after - @ No 10
Everything a bit 'down' after the excitement of yesterday. Arturo and I looked around for the bowls of cream this morning, but there weren't any. Hope we don't have to wait till the next Budget!
So - life for the Boy David and Gideon, George, from next door seems to be hunky-dory. All quiet and no problems on the horizon - so far. Will it last, I ask myself? I gather the one they call Balls seems to be the big threat to them. They worry he'll do or say something to undermine them. Could prove interesting.
Arturo says, it can't last. He remembered the one they called Brown, who said 'No more Boom and Bust'. Well it certainly boomed, then it busted in a big way. So, Arturo says it'll be the same for Gideon and Boy David. Arturo says, 'No one gets out of No 10 or 11 with a smile on their face.'
We're going on a joint rat hunt tonight. Several rats were seen scurrying round the corridors of No 10 last night. We were too full of cream to care. But tonight - that's another matter.
So - life for the Boy David and Gideon, George, from next door seems to be hunky-dory. All quiet and no problems on the horizon - so far. Will it last, I ask myself? I gather the one they call Balls seems to be the big threat to them. They worry he'll do or say something to undermine them. Could prove interesting.
Arturo says, it can't last. He remembered the one they called Brown, who said 'No more Boom and Bust'. Well it certainly boomed, then it busted in a big way. So, Arturo says it'll be the same for Gideon and Boy David. Arturo says, 'No one gets out of No 10 or 11 with a smile on their face.'
We're going on a joint rat hunt tonight. Several rats were seen scurrying round the corridors of No 10 last night. We were too full of cream to care. But tonight - that's another matter.
Wednesday 23 March 2011
Cream for all at No 10
What a day! Boy David in a very good mood. Slapped Gideon - sorry George - from next door, on the back. Arturo said Gideon was well happy!
Cheers all round in the Cabinet Office. They seem to think something profound has been done! The UK has positive headlines again - so they say!! The Boy David has led the charge, together with the little Frenchman, on the dreaded Libyan dictator! So Hip Hooray for that. One reason for the good cheer!
Next, the 'brilliant speech by our Lad from No 11. Cutting taxation, more petrol in your tank and all that! Growth will come our way - invent, design, make and sell - that's how it's going to be done! Well, well, well!
However, Arturo and I aren't going to moan. Why not, you ask? We had two great bowls of cream and a plate of sardines for our supper. Long may it last, I say. The rats will have free run tonight. Arturo and I are full up - we're going to have a nap.
Cheers all round in the Cabinet Office. They seem to think something profound has been done! The UK has positive headlines again - so they say!! The Boy David has led the charge, together with the little Frenchman, on the dreaded Libyan dictator! So Hip Hooray for that. One reason for the good cheer!
Next, the 'brilliant speech by our Lad from No 11. Cutting taxation, more petrol in your tank and all that! Growth will come our way - invent, design, make and sell - that's how it's going to be done! Well, well, well!
However, Arturo and I aren't going to moan. Why not, you ask? We had two great bowls of cream and a plate of sardines for our supper. Long may it last, I say. The rats will have free run tonight. Arturo and I are full up - we're going to have a nap.
Tuesday 22 March 2011
All Quiet on the No 10 Front!!!
Boy David has been quiet as a mouse. Arturo told me it's because he was so surprised that all the MPs were mesmerised by him in the House of Commons. It seems he put them all in a trance like state then told them 'You will vote for what I said' and they did. All but 13 of them! Was there significance in that number, I wondered?
Since then, amazed at his new found powers, Boy David appears calm, in a slightly sinister way. He smiles his enigmatic smile. That's what I don't like! You know, humans are usually very readable to an old alley cat like yours truly. But the Boy David is becoming Sphinx-like and I neither like it nor trust it.
Arturo tells me that everything is about to change though. I asked why. He said "Tomorrow's the Budget! Don't you know anything?"
So maybe Boy David's super calm veneer will slip too. Here's hoping the one they call 'Balls' will bring things back to reality.
Since then, amazed at his new found powers, Boy David appears calm, in a slightly sinister way. He smiles his enigmatic smile. That's what I don't like! You know, humans are usually very readable to an old alley cat like yours truly. But the Boy David is becoming Sphinx-like and I neither like it nor trust it.
Arturo tells me that everything is about to change though. I asked why. He said "Tomorrow's the Budget! Don't you know anything?"
So maybe Boy David's super calm veneer will slip too. Here's hoping the one they call 'Balls' will bring things back to reality.
Monday 21 March 2011
All Quiet at No 10
My direct line manager, as I suppose you'd call him, the Boy David, has been quieter than usual. He has bags under his eyes, looks pale and wan and is vastly irritable. I overheard one of the kitchen maids saying, "It was like this when Maggie had sent the troops to the Falklands".
But, of course, it's nothing like the Falklands. What our Boy David is hoping is that it'll all be over quickly; that the Libyans will shout their love of David Cameron. He dreams of walking in shirt sleeves through ranks of adoring Arabs - shades of Blair in the Balkans!
My friend Arturo and I think that we'll keep out of the way for a few days! If things go wrong, they're bound to start kicking the cats! Just hope for his sake that Obama's dog keeps a low profile in the White House! Who'd be an animal in a centre of power?
But, of course, it's nothing like the Falklands. What our Boy David is hoping is that it'll all be over quickly; that the Libyans will shout their love of David Cameron. He dreams of walking in shirt sleeves through ranks of adoring Arabs - shades of Blair in the Balkans!
My friend Arturo and I think that we'll keep out of the way for a few days! If things go wrong, they're bound to start kicking the cats! Just hope for his sake that Obama's dog keeps a low profile in the White House! Who'd be an animal in a centre of power?
Saturday 19 March 2011
Larry at No 10 - gets Bad Press
Larry has been getting some real bad press mainly in the 'Daily Telegraph' of all papers! Now I'm no great admirer of him, as you know. He's a real sofa cat, he loves his chicken dinners and sardine teas. He loves his tummy being tickled. But a rat-catcher, he ain't. That's why I'm here, good old Butch! I catch the rats, or don't, as happened yesterday. But Larry - he's here to show what a 'Jolly nice chap' Dave Boy is. The PM of Great Britain could have had a Persian Kitten or a Siamese-Burmese cross but he chose to go to Battersea to select a down and out street cat. At least, that's the story. It turns out our Larry is an aristocrat with amnesia. Larry just forgot in which part of Belgravia he lived. Just one look at him and you'd see he'd run a mile if he even saw a mouse's whiskers.
Fortunately, you don't know what I look like. There'd be mass fainting if the Boy David's Secretaries or Lady Sam ever caught sight of me. But I keep outta sight and in the basement, except when I chase a rat into the Cabinet Office.
So, I say, give Larry a break, will you? You wouldn't hire a ballerina to do your washing, would you?
Fortunately, you don't know what I look like. There'd be mass fainting if the Boy David's Secretaries or Lady Sam ever caught sight of me. But I keep outta sight and in the basement, except when I chase a rat into the Cabinet Office.
So, I say, give Larry a break, will you? You wouldn't hire a ballerina to do your washing, would you?
Friday 18 March 2011
Red Nose Day @ No 10
Woke up this morning to a great commotion. The Boy David in a state of excitement. He got the UN to agree with him, that's what I heard him saying down the phone! He looked as pleased as punch. Then he turned to some bloke sipping coffee and said "That'll show Blair and his lot how it should have been done!"
All in all he was, as they say 'well pleased' with himself. I wasn't. I'd been up most of the night hunting a large brown rat that had got into the Cabinet Office of all places! Didn't catch it though! Will have another go tonight, if it comes again.
No 10 seems to be slightly mad today. Apart from the PM preening himself on having achieved something, he was also boasting about having kicked the Clegg bloke into the long grass, yet again. Then there are the red balls!! There are lots of them rolling round the floor. I thought they were red ping-pong balls and scooped one up with my paw. But it didn't bounce! To my surprise, Gideon from No 11 came in and picked one up. He was grinning in his usual sinister way.
"I say, Dave, can I have one?"
The Boy David peered at him, "Why not? They're free. Sent round here this morning."
"Well, if they're free, I'll have a couple."
"They're supposed to be for charity, George!"
"Charity!! Whatever's that?" So saying, he took at least four and sauntered back to No 11. According to Arturo, he's still giggling over his budget plans. Not a very nice man, if you ask me. Do hope the rats move in there and leave me to have a bit of peace.
All in all he was, as they say 'well pleased' with himself. I wasn't. I'd been up most of the night hunting a large brown rat that had got into the Cabinet Office of all places! Didn't catch it though! Will have another go tonight, if it comes again.
No 10 seems to be slightly mad today. Apart from the PM preening himself on having achieved something, he was also boasting about having kicked the Clegg bloke into the long grass, yet again. Then there are the red balls!! There are lots of them rolling round the floor. I thought they were red ping-pong balls and scooped one up with my paw. But it didn't bounce! To my surprise, Gideon from No 11 came in and picked one up. He was grinning in his usual sinister way.
"I say, Dave, can I have one?"
The Boy David peered at him, "Why not? They're free. Sent round here this morning."
"Well, if they're free, I'll have a couple."
"They're supposed to be for charity, George!"
"Charity!! Whatever's that?" So saying, he took at least four and sauntered back to No 11. According to Arturo, he's still giggling over his budget plans. Not a very nice man, if you ask me. Do hope the rats move in there and leave me to have a bit of peace.
Thursday 17 March 2011
'Earnest Voice' is this at No 10?
My friend, Arturo from No 11, told me that Gideon and the Boy David were huddled together over coffee this morning. Gideon was very excited, it seems. He said "Dave, I've got the answer to our problems."
The Boy David's face lit up with delight, "What is it?", he asked swigging his latte.
"We have to get hold of this new 'put a sock in it' software"
"Put a sock in it software! Whatever's that?"
"Well, that my not be exactly what it's called but it is an 'online persona management service', so I heard."
"Maybe I'm a bit dim, George old chap, but I still don't know what you're on about."
Gideon sighed deeply, sometimes he wondered how the Boy David became PM. "The Yanks have a new techie toy. It means one person can control 10 different accounts on a social media site! Can you imagine it - you could be 10 facebook holders or 10 tweeters."
"So what?"
"You could get everyone in the trusted section of our party to each have one of these accounts. Then, they could send out really positive messages about the way the Chancellor operates or the PM, of course. Don't you see, Dave, it would up our ratings no end!"
"Oh! I get it! Where do we find this software. It's obvious we must have it."
"It's name is 'Operation Earnest Voice' or 'OEV'. Don't suppose Obama would give it to us or Gates - but we might try one of the others." He finished his coffee and grinned. "Like the idea do you, Dave?"
"Rather! But we can't let Clegg and his bunch know about it! They're just the sort of PR louts who'd exploit it."
When Arturo told me all this, I thought - This means trouble! Just hope the Yanks keep it to themselves!
The Boy David's face lit up with delight, "What is it?", he asked swigging his latte.
"We have to get hold of this new 'put a sock in it' software"
"Put a sock in it software! Whatever's that?"
"Well, that my not be exactly what it's called but it is an 'online persona management service', so I heard."
"Maybe I'm a bit dim, George old chap, but I still don't know what you're on about."
Gideon sighed deeply, sometimes he wondered how the Boy David became PM. "The Yanks have a new techie toy. It means one person can control 10 different accounts on a social media site! Can you imagine it - you could be 10 facebook holders or 10 tweeters."
"So what?"
"You could get everyone in the trusted section of our party to each have one of these accounts. Then, they could send out really positive messages about the way the Chancellor operates or the PM, of course. Don't you see, Dave, it would up our ratings no end!"
"Oh! I get it! Where do we find this software. It's obvious we must have it."
"It's name is 'Operation Earnest Voice' or 'OEV'. Don't suppose Obama would give it to us or Gates - but we might try one of the others." He finished his coffee and grinned. "Like the idea do you, Dave?"
"Rather! But we can't let Clegg and his bunch know about it! They're just the sort of PR louts who'd exploit it."
When Arturo told me all this, I thought - This means trouble! Just hope the Yanks keep it to themselves!
Wednesday 16 March 2011
Who's in charge at No 10?
The Boy David thinks he knows all the answers - not just to UK problems but to Libya's as well. His pal, Sarkozy, is also a belligerent man. But so it seems is our former PR now PM-man. They both want action and they want it now! Meanwhile, President Obama takes a more considered, academic approach, so we are told. He studies the data and works out the consequences. Of course, this does mean no action and in the meantime hundreds of 'rebels' will die. But if the no-fly zone is enforced, hundreds could also die. So it's a no winner either way.
Aren't I a clever cat? 'This Butch ain't no fool!' That's what Arturo, from No 11, told me. He also told me that Gideon - if you've read my other posts you'll know that's George's real name - that he is up all night with his abacus. He flicks the beads around - one, two, three at a time. Then, he gives a little sinister giggle! Arturo says it's all very unnerving. So much so that he took his eye off the mouse hole under Gideon's desk, just as a mouse ran in!
I nearly got flattened today by a very angry Boy David. He was red in the face and sulky looking. It seems the purry-growly voiced man, the one called Hague, was giving evidence to the Foreign Affairs Committee. All was going well - no mention of the missing 'mojo'. Then Mike Gapes, a Labour MP, started his questions, instead of addressing him as Foreign Secretary, he said “Prime Minister.” Hague was amused, as well he might be. Our Boy David was not amused when he heard this. Arturo said he thinks Boy David is becoming paranoid!
Now who's a clever cat? I said.
Aren't I a clever cat? 'This Butch ain't no fool!' That's what Arturo, from No 11, told me. He also told me that Gideon - if you've read my other posts you'll know that's George's real name - that he is up all night with his abacus. He flicks the beads around - one, two, three at a time. Then, he gives a little sinister giggle! Arturo says it's all very unnerving. So much so that he took his eye off the mouse hole under Gideon's desk, just as a mouse ran in!
I nearly got flattened today by a very angry Boy David. He was red in the face and sulky looking. It seems the purry-growly voiced man, the one called Hague, was giving evidence to the Foreign Affairs Committee. All was going well - no mention of the missing 'mojo'. Then Mike Gapes, a Labour MP, started his questions, instead of addressing him as Foreign Secretary, he said “Prime Minister.” Hague was amused, as well he might be. Our Boy David was not amused when he heard this. Arturo said he thinks Boy David is becoming paranoid!
Now who's a clever cat? I said.
Tuesday 15 March 2011
I'm back again! Back at No 10
So, my friends, you are asking 'Where have you been?'. Am I right, or am I right? Well, I've been rodent hunting in a big way. I caught so many mice and rats that I was exhausted. Arturo from No 11 - was shocked to see the piles of feet and tails that were evidence of my prowess! I had chronic indigestion for days!
The Boy David and the purry-growly one have been chasing their own tails! I say that figuratively, you understand! They don't seem to know whether they are coming or going. Fly zone - No fly zone. Arms sent in - No arms to be sent in! Saudis in - Saudis out! In the middle of all this, it was said that the purry-growly one had 'lost his mojo', whatever that means! Sounds quite painful. But he denied he'd lost it. I must ask Arturo what a 'mojo' is.
Meanwhile Gideon in No 11 is keeping his head down! Arturo says Gideon will show his head over the parapet very soon and then we'll all have to duck! Not too sure what he means by that!
I got to see a paper today - what a story - someone just paid £1,000,000 for a dog! Yes! For a dog! And an ugly great dog at that! A red Tibetan Mastiff! He got delivered to his new owner by a fleet of accompanying limousines! Can you credit that? Now - if the Boy David had got one like him to destroy the rats of No 10 that would have caused a scene!
The Boy David and the purry-growly one have been chasing their own tails! I say that figuratively, you understand! They don't seem to know whether they are coming or going. Fly zone - No fly zone. Arms sent in - No arms to be sent in! Saudis in - Saudis out! In the middle of all this, it was said that the purry-growly one had 'lost his mojo', whatever that means! Sounds quite painful. But he denied he'd lost it. I must ask Arturo what a 'mojo' is.
Meanwhile Gideon in No 11 is keeping his head down! Arturo says Gideon will show his head over the parapet very soon and then we'll all have to duck! Not too sure what he means by that!
I got to see a paper today - what a story - someone just paid £1,000,000 for a dog! Yes! For a dog! And an ugly great dog at that! A red Tibetan Mastiff! He got delivered to his new owner by a fleet of accompanying limousines! Can you credit that? Now - if the Boy David had got one like him to destroy the rats of No 10 that would have caused a scene!
Friday 4 March 2011
While the Boss is away from No 10 .....Yippeee!
Great news for all and sundry who work, play, shout, scream, cower or just mooch around No 10. The Boss, otherwise known as Boy David, is away again! Bliss!
No more angst wringing of hands in front of poor old Larry, the pampered cat who sits at his feet. No more shilly-shallying in front of the press office - shall I-shan't I? Whoops, got it wrong again!
No, my pals, he's gone to the Tory Spring conference in Cardiff. In Cardiff, of all places where the Welsh would like to be rid of most things English but certainly any old Etonians lurking in their fine land. Still, he has gone but not before the pacings to and fro, last night. What would he do with the 'Right' of his party? I overheard lots of people giving him advice and thought it odd. What have the 'Right' to complain of, I asked myself as I was halfway through a sardine. You can't get more right than sacking soldiers, taking money away from kids, closing nurseries and libraries and threatening to make people work till they drop.
However - it seems you can go more right than that! The worry the 'Right' seem to have is that voting reform will be achieved by the one they call 'The Loser Clegg'. Then, it seems there will always be a Coalition and they'd hate that!
However, Arturo from No 11 came to see me an hour ago. He said that Gideon was beside himself with glee. When I asked why. He told me that Gideon was thrilled the LibDems lost their deposit in Barnsley - wherever that is!
Just so you all know - I caught a rat last night! I was so pleased with myself. I carried it upstairs to the private quarters to show it to Larry. I said he could claim it was his, if he liked. After all, that's why they got him. I dropped it in front of his dainty paws. Sadly, it wasn't dead - just stunned. It came to and ran into Boy David's sitting-room. There was one helluva commotion. So, I beat it back down to the basement. This alley cat knows his place even if the rest of them here don't!
No more angst wringing of hands in front of poor old Larry, the pampered cat who sits at his feet. No more shilly-shallying in front of the press office - shall I-shan't I? Whoops, got it wrong again!
No, my pals, he's gone to the Tory Spring conference in Cardiff. In Cardiff, of all places where the Welsh would like to be rid of most things English but certainly any old Etonians lurking in their fine land. Still, he has gone but not before the pacings to and fro, last night. What would he do with the 'Right' of his party? I overheard lots of people giving him advice and thought it odd. What have the 'Right' to complain of, I asked myself as I was halfway through a sardine. You can't get more right than sacking soldiers, taking money away from kids, closing nurseries and libraries and threatening to make people work till they drop.
However - it seems you can go more right than that! The worry the 'Right' seem to have is that voting reform will be achieved by the one they call 'The Loser Clegg'. Then, it seems there will always be a Coalition and they'd hate that!
However, Arturo from No 11 came to see me an hour ago. He said that Gideon was beside himself with glee. When I asked why. He told me that Gideon was thrilled the LibDems lost their deposit in Barnsley - wherever that is!
Just so you all know - I caught a rat last night! I was so pleased with myself. I carried it upstairs to the private quarters to show it to Larry. I said he could claim it was his, if he liked. After all, that's why they got him. I dropped it in front of his dainty paws. Sadly, it wasn't dead - just stunned. It came to and ran into Boy David's sitting-room. There was one helluva commotion. So, I beat it back down to the basement. This alley cat knows his place even if the rest of them here don't!
Thursday 3 March 2011
Sabre rattling at No 10
I felt rather sorry for poor old Boy David this afternoon. He looked well fed up! He too was feeling very sorry for himself. Chastised by all and sundry about 'rattling his sabre' only to find there ain't no sabre in his scabbard! Apparently, that's what a letter from a military man published in the Daily Telegraph said! Very well put, I thought to myself - though as an alley cat ,who am I to have such thoughts?
But this must have been the final straw for the PR PM. You see, being a PR man means you always think that you've got it right. You've sold the goods, so to speak. And that's something that our Boy David has just not been doing since he became PM.
It's been one damn thing after another that's gone wrong. First the schools' fiasco! Second, the 'squeezed middle'. Third, the disappearing planes to get 'our people' out of Libya. Fourth, the strident call for a no-fly zone only to discover there aren't enough RAF pilots left to fly them! Fifth, sacking serving army personnel, before they've left a war zone! I could go on and on and on and on ....
But I won't - who am I, an under stairs rat hunter who has only caught a few mice so far, who am I to criticise the Boy David?
But this must have been the final straw for the PR PM. You see, being a PR man means you always think that you've got it right. You've sold the goods, so to speak. And that's something that our Boy David has just not been doing since he became PM.
It's been one damn thing after another that's gone wrong. First the schools' fiasco! Second, the 'squeezed middle'. Third, the disappearing planes to get 'our people' out of Libya. Fourth, the strident call for a no-fly zone only to discover there aren't enough RAF pilots left to fly them! Fifth, sacking serving army personnel, before they've left a war zone! I could go on and on and on and on ....
But I won't - who am I, an under stairs rat hunter who has only caught a few mice so far, who am I to criticise the Boy David?
Wednesday 2 March 2011
Grand Old Duke of York at No 10
Someone was humming, when I woke up from my morning nap. I'd caught 2 mice last night and felt well pleased! Anyway - the humming went on for sometime. It was really irritating. Then I heard the hummer begin singing softly to himself: 'Oh, the grand old Duke of York, he had ten thousand men. He marched them up to the top of the hill. Then, he marched them down again. And when they were up, they were up and when they were down, they were down. And when they were only halfway up, they were neither up nor down!'
The singer stopped and gave a rather sinister giggle. Then, I heard someone else saying: 'You're not so bloody clever either, mate! Your Boss announced Gadaffi was in Venezuela!'
The singer went red in the face, 'But at least he didn't keep doing bloody great U-turns every few moments. First - we're going in to Libya - with force if necessary. Then, we're not! Next, we're going to enforce a no-fly zone. Then, we're not! We were sending in planes to rescue our Brits immediately - but we took days to do it.'
'The trouble with your department and mine is that we've got a couple of idiots running them.'
'Mine's only running foreign policy; yours is running the UK, God help us!'
I heard the kitchen door open, then I smelt roast chicken! A piece of chicken was worth a ton of gossip from civil servants, so I hopped it!
The singer stopped and gave a rather sinister giggle. Then, I heard someone else saying: 'You're not so bloody clever either, mate! Your Boss announced Gadaffi was in Venezuela!'
The singer went red in the face, 'But at least he didn't keep doing bloody great U-turns every few moments. First - we're going in to Libya - with force if necessary. Then, we're not! Next, we're going to enforce a no-fly zone. Then, we're not! We were sending in planes to rescue our Brits immediately - but we took days to do it.'
'The trouble with your department and mine is that we've got a couple of idiots running them.'
'Mine's only running foreign policy; yours is running the UK, God help us!'
I heard the kitchen door open, then I smelt roast chicken! A piece of chicken was worth a ton of gossip from civil servants, so I hopped it!
Tuesday 1 March 2011
Whirlwind at No 10
I eavesdropped today while some young secretary was reading a newspaper aloud to her pal. I quite like her, she gave me a piece out of a yummy chicken sandwich she was eating. She said I looked as if I needed a 'good feed'. Great! I'll try the hang-cat look now, whenever I see her.
Still - this is what she read out "The prime minister tells the house how he's become a whirlwind of action". The two girls looked at each other and grinned.
I thought about it, 'a whirlwind of action'. Well, it's true he has been rushing around, throwing papers all over the place; ringing up various people; shouting when he didn't get his own way. It looks to me as if he's trying to prove he's more than just an overgrown PR lad! That he really is a grown-up PM!
You see, he got 'jolly upset' when his image rather tarnished while he was away. I think the Boy David sees himself as a 'bit of a hero'. He was right miffed when the masses started complaining that he was slow to help the Brits stuck in Libya.
Now, he's this 'whirlwind' - showing off, more like! As if the UN or Obama care one jot what our Boy David thinks. Now - if it had been Lady T - that would have been a quite different matter. For one thing Boy David has just destroyed the RAF, the Army and the Navy - in one stroke. Now he thinks he can just snap his fingers and 'our boys' will come running to do his bidding. As I heard one of the postmen say 'No way, Jose!'
Still - this is what she read out "The prime minister tells the house how he's become a whirlwind of action". The two girls looked at each other and grinned.
I thought about it, 'a whirlwind of action'. Well, it's true he has been rushing around, throwing papers all over the place; ringing up various people; shouting when he didn't get his own way. It looks to me as if he's trying to prove he's more than just an overgrown PR lad! That he really is a grown-up PM!
You see, he got 'jolly upset' when his image rather tarnished while he was away. I think the Boy David sees himself as a 'bit of a hero'. He was right miffed when the masses started complaining that he was slow to help the Brits stuck in Libya.
Now, he's this 'whirlwind' - showing off, more like! As if the UN or Obama care one jot what our Boy David thinks. Now - if it had been Lady T - that would have been a quite different matter. For one thing Boy David has just destroyed the RAF, the Army and the Navy - in one stroke. Now he thinks he can just snap his fingers and 'our boys' will come running to do his bidding. As I heard one of the postmen say 'No way, Jose!'
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