The Name of the Game @ No 10

"What's in a name, mi old pal?" Arturo asked me, as we sauntered in the rose garden.

"It depends on the name in question." I replied. "But knowing you, I guess there's more to the query than meets the eye!"

"Got it in one!" Arturo said.

Then, the whole story came out. Let me tell you the flavour of it:

As you know, that Silver-Haired Fox, by name Andrew Lansley, the one responsible for the Health Bill and the so-called reforms of the NHS, is desperately hoping to get the Bill through Parliament. He has ducked and dived. He has smiled and nodded. He has fawned and favoured. Indeed, he has said anything, done everything, listened (but not actually heard) all and sundry - in an attempt to get the votes needed to push through his plans!

You can't say the slippery old fox hasn't worked hard. But that's about all you can say for him! This is the man of whom 'Boy David'Cameron proudly proclaimed :

No one in the House of Commons knows more about the NHS than Andrew Lansley… No one has visited more of the NHS. No one has talked to more people who work in the NHS than Andrew Lansley.

Yet - the old fox got it absolutely - WRONG - I'll say it again - He got it WRONG!! Lansley did not have a clue as to how doctors and other health professionals would respond to his 'brilliant' reforms! And now the chickens have not only come home to roost - they are running round headless!  But will things improve - will those who really do understand the NHS have their fears heard and acted upon?  Well -  No - actually, they won't!

It seems that in the various ministerial amendments made to the fabled Bill, 1000 - yes! 1000 of them have been to do with names! It would appear that these ministers think that if you change the name of something - Hey presto! - those foolish doctors will think there has been a major change in direction. Do they really think that with a few clouds of smoke and some distorted mirrors they can get away with it? Well, obviously the answer is 'Yes, by Jove, we do!'

Until recently, the government had forwarded the notion that family doctors - otherwise known as GPs to most people - would form "consortia" to buy care. 'Boy David' Cameron - ever the ultimate PR man - got his team of experts, known as the Future Forum, to have a long, deep think about this! They thought long and hard - and as all PR men do - they racked their little brains - and I chose my adjective advisedly! They decided that "consortia" gave the wrong impression. It implied that GPs would be too powerful in Lansley's spanking new NHS.  And Lansley was determined that the right impressions must be given!  After all - impressions are everything!

So, my friends, this brilliant little team of Future Thinkers came up with a brand new name. One that wouldn't scare the rabbits! They advocated the term "clinical commissioning groups". To improve relationships with other health professionals these 'groups' will have, at least, one nurse and one specialist doctor.

So - that's all clear and correct, isn't it? Well, no actually - it is most definitely not! The so called changes to the NHS bill are, in truth, nothing more than smoke and mirrors. Nothing substantial has really been changed. Only the NAMES have changed! It seems that even the Department of Health have admitted that name changes would be "more than 75%" of the changes to the NHS bill.

So - it's all the Name Game! It doesn't matter what you do - just give it the right name and everyone will applaud. Break up the most valued institution in the country - the NHS - and give it out into the hands of private clinics - but change a few names and the process won't be noticed! That is the typical thinking of the PR men who are behind 'Boy David' Cameron and his band of Merry Men. But - unlike Robin Hood - this Merry Band aren't robbing the rich to give to the poor!

As Arturo said : "Ain't it all a bloomin' shame. Know what I mean, Bro?"

But this ain't no game, sir! This is the future of the NHS we are talking about. So, Mr Silver-Fox Lansley 'Stop playing games - name games - or other games. Leave the NHS alone!

So it's 'Bye' from Arturo - who gave me the story.

'Apple Schnapps' Shapps at it again @ No 10

It is relatively quiet here at No 10 - also at No 11. The end of summer seems to be going out with a whimper and not with a bang! Not that we actually had a summer!

There are, however, little lads and some lasses of the political kind who cannot keep quiet and twiddle their toes in the cold sand. They hope to, as they say 'up their profile' during what is generally known as the 'silly season'. The 'Big Guns' are away on their fifth or sixth holiday of the year - topping up their tans and fighting the flab. But these little profile polishers are at it non stop.

One such profile polisher is Apple Schnapps - otherwise known to Parliament as the Minister for Housing - namely Mr Greg Shapps. He is so excited by his housing plans that he cannot stop talking about them.

You can be sure, of course, that such 'plans' are never quite what they seem. To the untrained eye - the promise of 170,000 new homes over the next four years, sounds truly amazing! Almost as mind-blowingly impressive as the PM's promise to lift 120,000 problem families out of their problems!

This promise means that he will oversee the building of 42,500 homes every year for the next four years. This will entail 3542 homes every month! Of course - if we have a winter like last year - then several months of building will be lost! So the rate will have to be 'upped' in the good weather months.

Still - I feel sure you are saying 'What a splendid fellow! Putting his resources towards solving the problems of those without homes'! But many who are far wiser than a mere under stairs cat, such as I am, are very, very unhappy with Mr 'Apple Schnapps' Shapps' policy and also with the Coaliton Governments proposals for Planning Reform.

The National Trust is still exercised by the possible results of such a policy. But they are not the only ones - indeed no! The Campaign to Protect Rural England is also against his policies as are : Friends of the Earth, The RSPB and Greenpeace. None of these could be called 'reactionary' forces. Rather, they are groups campaigning to keep the country and the planet safe from exploitation.

There are several other other countryside and environment organisations with a combined membership of more than 6 million people who told The Guardian newspaper today that

they fear communities will lose the ability to influence decision-making as planning is streamlined in favour of developers and as economic growth is prioritised over social and environmental concerns.

(http://www.guardian.co.uk/politics/2011/aug/30/planning-reform-undemocratic-green-groups)

In their haste to build new homes and - let's be frank - maximise revenue - the Government will allow developers to build what they like. The new policy will allow these developers to put up buildings in the 66% of England that is not formally protected by national park or other conservation status. Now that is a real worry. The UK is very small! It is already over-crowded. It has lost huge swathes of woodland, wetlands and other crucial areas.

Do Mr 'Apple Schnapps' Shapps, Greg Clark, the Planning Minister and 'Bagpuss' Pickles really think that we don't notice what's going on?

The Guardian reported the anxieties and fears of organisations and people who really do know exactly what such policies will entail. These include:

Plans for giant incinerators and factory farms becoming impossible to refuse
Airport expansions, new roads and giant business parks on motorways
Polluting developments imposed on the poorest communities.

To be fair - if one must!! Other groups - including the British Property Federation and the Country Land and Business Association - are keen on the policies.   But as the saying goes: 'They would, wouldn't they?'

Arturo and I like our admittedly few and far between country walks. We like the thought of small villages staying small. We like the Green Belt and don't see why other small towns can't keep their own undeveloped land - undeveloped!

When the new session of Parliament returns - Arturo and I hope that these planning and housing policies will be vigorously scrutinised.

Oh! By the way, Mr 'Apple Schnapps' Shapps - I hope your building programme has it's own countdown clock - you should have built almost 118 new homes today! Otherwise .... you're not going to meet your targets! And we all know what happens to naughty boys who don't meet their targets, don't we?

'Bye'

Up the creek ... with no roof! @ No 10

Arturo came bursting into the kitchen - he was breathless and agitated. I told him, in the memorable quote uttered by 'Boy David'Cameron in the Commons: "Calm down, dear!" He did so instantly! I sometimes amaze myself at my ability!

"Have you seen the latest Government scam?" Arturo, at last, managed to articulate. Before I could reply, he rushed on. "It's unbelievable! truly unbelievable!"

After a sip of full fat milk and a nibble on one of my sardines - he continued: "It's that Grant Shapps twerp!"

"Who's he, when he's at home?" I asked - never having heard of this chap Shapps. Now I have heard of Schnapps - I'm told it's just like gin!

"Grant Shapps is the Housing Minister! Surely, you knew that?"

"Housing, Paymaster General, Home Secretary, Planning Minister ... etc, etc, etc. They all say the same thing, don't they?"

Arturo thought about this for a while: "Well - this time - it's really nuts! Just plain nuts, I tell you. This Minister for Housing plans to house people in - wait for it - boats!"

"Boats! Did you say 'boats'?" I thought I'd not heard it correctly!

"Boats! B.O.A.T.S. Boats!"

It seems that Arturo was right! This Grant Shapps chap said that boats with residential moorings could be used to house people. This would allow people to live in areas where they could not afford to do so otherwise.  Like up some smelly old creek!

It seems that some 15,000 people live on the UK’s waterways. Mr Shapps said that he was sure many more “would like to do so”. To encourage this move to the water, the Government’s New Homes Bonus might well be available. Probably, this means that local councils will get funds to use in waterside areas!

Mr Shapps said that houseboats show how “unconventional housing” can be used to tackle the UK’s current housing shortage. This requires around 60,000 new homes to be built per quarter for the shortfall to be met.

Bright chap Shapps went on to say:

Whilst they will never overtake bricks and mortar in putting a roof over the heads of families, innovative new ways of housing families – such as residential moorings – play an important role in allowing people to live near to their place of work, children’s school, or family, and where perhaps they would not be able to afford to otherwise.

Now that's what I call a veritable example of Lateral Thinking - De Bono et al would be thrilled! If you have a problem - think laterally! You never know where you'll end up!

Just imagine it - one old rotting hulk of a barge for sale - needs to be refurbished - but then it will float! What more could a family ask? Cold in summer, damp and freezing in winter - loverly!! Slops thrown over the side! No need for dustmen!

Of course, there are luxury houseboats - better than your average semi! But they cost a fair lot of dosh! No local council is going to pay for a real smart floater, are they?

I had a pal once, lived on a houseboat in Windsor - his owner came home - slightly the worse for wear, fell off the gangplank and had to be fished out of the Thames - needed several injections to ward off various dreaded lurgies! But - my pal said it was a great life for him personally. Why? because the boat's hold was full of rats!! Great!  Dinner guaranteed every night!

Arturo and I don't fancy a life afloat though! We don't like damp - we don't like fog - we don't like water weed - we like all the comforts of a home with bricks and mortar and a roof!.

But since this Shapps chap probably envisages that it'll only be the bloomin 'plebs' who'll buy into this - who cares about home comforts! After all - didn't a Tory Minister once suggest that instead of building more prisons, we could use boats - just like the old Victorian prison ships!  Bring back the lash, says me!

"Plus ça change!" Arturo was heard to mutter as he returned to No 11.

'Bye' from us both:

Great headlines ... whoops! @ No 10

Arturo and I were hoping for a quiet weekend - everyone getting ready for the Bank Holiday and no one to bother us. Then - out of nowhere came another couple of fizzing fire crackers for 'Boy David' Cameron.

First, there was an analysis in the 'New Statesman', no less, of his personality. I say 'personality' but really it's more his temperament that's under scrutiny.

The Oxford English Dictionary defines 'temperament' as:

a person’s or animal’s nature, especially as it permanently affects their behaviour:

The witty article in the 'New Statesman' reckons that our 'Boy' sets himself 'above the fray'. That's putting it nicely, I'd say. I don't think he's ever been in a fray in his whole life! From what I've observed, from my lowly under stairs position, I'd venture to suggest that 'Boy David' still thinks he's in PR. All PR men tend not to listen to more than a couple of seconds' worth of anyone else's ideas. This means that PR men get hold of the wrong end of the stick! And certainly, 'Boy David' is a great one for doing just that.

1. He heard that woman, Spelman, jabbering on about getting rid of the UK woodland. "Great idea!" He said to himself. "Terrific headline!" But he didn't foresee the ructions from implementing such a policy. It was the PR headlines that he saw in his mind's eye.

2. He listened to the wails coming from many of his Ministers about migration. So, he announced "immigration is too high". He promised to reduce net migration to "tens of thousands" a year. Now - he thought to himself: "Great headlines! That would go down very nicely thank you with the Press!" And it did. But now, it's just been reported that immigration has gone up! The headlines don't look good at all! "Where are your promises now, Cameron?" People are shouting.

3. After the 'riots' - it seemed that 'Boy David' had sanctioned the removal of benefits from anyone found guilty of riot. Moreover, the families of such people would be evicted from their council houses! " Great headlines!"  Then ... it was pointed out that if this was implemented - you'd have hordes of homeless families roaming the streets! Whoops! Dreadful headlines!

4. NHS Reforms were so smoothly presented to the PM by that silver-tongued, silver-headed fox of a man, Andrew Lansley. He has words to beguile even the most acute of listeners. But since we know that 'Boy David' only listens to words that a PR man can use - Lansley's guile was not needed. The PM didn't even hear him to the end. "NHS Reform! Great! Fantastic headlines - let's run with it!" Or words to that effect!

And so it goes on and on! You'd think he would learn - but maybe the PR inside the PM is too great ever to be removed.

The second fizzing fire-cracker that came No 10's way today - is the threatened action to be taken by a man who knows a thing or two about the NHS. Lord Nicholas Rea, a Labour peer and formerly a GP in north London. He has indicated that he will draft amendments in support of the BMA's call for the Health Bill to be withdrawn. He thinks that the Government would ‘struggle' to secure the Bill's passage. The Bill returns to the House of Commons for its report stage and third reading on 6 September. It will then move to the House of Lords, with a second reading expected there in October.

Poor 'Boy David'! He really did not see this coming! The silver words of the Old Silver-Headed Fox seemed so beautifully simple! So right! So easy! These words have turned sour and threaten to bring NHS workers onto the streets.

Now there's a headline that our PR PM did not foresee.

But, as Arturo said to me: "C'est la vie, Butch, mi old pal! C'est la vie!"

'Bye'

Jolly old Hols - not so jolly - @ No 10

Now, as you know, Arturo and I only have the odd day off - so many rodents run around Downing Street that a day off more could well spell a plague of rats - and we couldn't have that, could we? We don't actually get paid holidays, as such - but we do get our daily sardines and milk - and we have free board and lodging.

Today, we heard that Bagpuss Pickle's cuts to the local authorities' budgets are biting hard and it worried both Arturo and me. Did it foretell a time when even our meagre benefits would also be cut?

It seems that up North in Rochdale, Pickle's cuts have been quite drastic - I say Pickle's cuts - he did not personally issue an order like: 'Cut Rochdale to the quick - it's a bloomin Labour seat!' At least, we don't think he did. However, cuts there have been - and deep they have been too.

The cuts have been so very deep that the following was announced:

Between now and 2015 we need to save a further £64 million and in order to do that we need to consider everything we do and how we do it. ... That is why we are looking at what we provide and how we provide it, and it’s why we are looking at employee Conditions of Service.

These proposals will be considered by our Cabinet and following this, consultations will be undertaken with staff and trade unions. Savings have got to be made.

Among the Conditions of Service being 'looked at' are:
1. lower pay
2. miss out on three days of sickness benefit
3. a week's unpaid leave each year
4. 2.5 per cent could be cut from some workers' wages
5. managers at the council face taking a 5 per cent cut

Pretty drastic, eh? The council employees will be able to vote on these measures - but if savings aren't made - the alternative is job losses. Talk about the horns of a dilemma!

This is why the proposed cuts are having to be made:

The proposed changes are being made in light of the fact we are in effect having our budget halved over the next three years.

So said Rochdale Council's deputy leader, Peter Williams.

The local MP, Simon Danczuk, said:

This has come about because the government has cut too deep and too fast, with Rochdale council getting one of the biggest funding cuts in the country.

Mr Bagpuss Pickles re-think your policy! Have a heart - raise Income Tax levels on the wealthy - but turn again - like Dick Whittington! It can't go on like this - where will it end?

'Bye'

No more houses, please, we're British @ No 10

A new man entered into our lives today - by 'our', I mean Arturo and me! We thought we had seen and heard the lot! But this new chap appeared on our radar. Let me describe him to you. He's young - but looks younger than he is - from a distance that is! He has brown hair and blue eyes - altogether a personable looking bloke! Well groomed - could be a shop window model for men's suits. You get the picture - he is the 'very model of a modern' Tory minister!

Now - why should we be so exercised by this dashing young Lochinvar from Tunbridge Wells? He recently became the Minister for Planning. Now, Arturo and I know something about Planning - in some Greater London Boroughs - if you live in a Conservation Area - you can't repair your windows and doors without filling in endless forms and waiting for weeks for petty bureaucrats to say 'Yea' or 'Nay'. In other Boroughs - you can do just what you like, when you like and how you like. Often - it's who you know that counts - 'Know what I mean?'

Well, this Greg Clark, Minister for Planning, was once in Opposition. Whilst in that lowly state, he took a gander at the Labour Party proposed target to build 6,000 new homes in the Tunbridge Wells area. Oh No! not in Tunbridge Wells!! In a state of near panic at the prospect, our Greg made the following statement in 2007:

One of the delights of our area is that there is scarcely a neighbourhood that is not within a short walk of the green fields that surrounds us.

Under these plans they would border not green fields but development sites. These communities would be urbanised and lose their connection with the surrounding countryside.

Undoubtedly, the good people of Tunbridge Wells loudly cheered and waved their voting slips. "Hurrah for Mr Clark, the Defender of Tunbridge Wells." It certainly didn't do him any harm when the next election came. He was duly returned as their MP.

Of course, I forgot to mention, that Greg works very closely with our old friend - Bagpuss Pickles! What a pair they must make!

Now, Greg Clark is in charge of Planning he has announced a new strategy - assuredly all the leafy suburbs that lie in Tory strongholds will be protected - but what about the rest?

Well - fear not - Greg believes in doing things properly. He opened an article on his new reforms thus:

The French have an admirable phrase - "why make it complicated when you can make it simple?

And why not, indeed?  He went on to state:

There is no reason why growth should mean ugliness. It can - and should - improve our physical environment. Anyone who thinks otherwise should take a tour around our great cities, towns and villages and consider the diminished place that Britain would be if our forebears had been adamant in their opposition to new development.

And other attitudes of the last decade - which are alien to what we have historically thought - also need to be re-considered. In particular, the idea that every blade of grass outside our towns and cities is sacrosanct - and that urban green space should be sacrificed to preserve it - betrays a degree of inhumanity to people who may not live in the countryside, but who still have the same appetite for nature and greenery and life.

Tell that to the good people of Tunbridge Wells!  He does go on - and on - and on - in like manner. Something that the Tunbridge Wellsians would find rather disconcerting.

Now to the crunch - as they say - The National Trust, the great guardian of the British Countryside, is perturbed by Mr Clark's proposals. Its spokesperson stated:

Our primary concern is what the Government's reforms threaten to do to the everyday places in and around cities, towns and villages that are hugely valued by local communities. ...
We believe strongly that any development must meet the needs of people, the environment as well as the economy.

The Government has failed to do this in its reforms. It has put short-term financial gain ahead of everything else.

It has failed to protect the everyday places that local communities love. It has given the power in planning to the already powerful.

Whilst the Government is making warm noises about local communities, in practice the dice are heavily loaded to favour development and local people simply won't get enough say.

Greg Clark has taken on something of the abrasive nature of old Bagpuss Pickles. So he hissed back at The National Trust that it was an organisation that was trying to “preserve in aspic” their towns and villages. That The National Trust was guilty of “nihilistic selfishness” because the objections block much-needed new homes for young people.

So there!! That's telling them. I can hear the cheers of old Pickles!

Now, Arturo and I are behind The National Trust - we enjoy our rare, but delightful, visits to the countryside. We think that Planning Departments need to say 'No' to sprawl - instead of saying 'Yes' to any money-grabbing jerry-builder who has an eye to a fast buck.

But will the Coalition listen - doubt it! Pickles wants to get the local authorities to sell off land. Clark - Greg that is not Ken - wants to spread houses all over the land.

Bring back the Labour plans and let's build 6000 homes in Tunbridge Wells - preferably on Greg Clark's doorstep!

'Byeee'

I smell a rat @ No 10

Now - as you know Arturo and I were imported into Nos 10 and 11 Downing Street to kill off the rats! We were not for show like old Larrykins upstairs. We're the hard brigade - the ones who sniff out trouble and - Boy! Oh Boy! - have we sniffed out some stinks around here!

Some of these stinks are brought in on the shoes of the multitude of visitors - others are purely home-grown. The stink I got wind of today was a bit of both, I suppose. Are you sitting comfortably? Then, I'll begin...

You recall that not so long ago there was a real hoo-ha about Brooks aka the Red Haired Vamp and her pals at News International and the goings-on at No 10. Very embarrassing for 'Boy David' Cameron and Georgy from No 11. Well, Arturo and I thought - the storm clouds have passed - the summer break is here - by October the Downing Street link will be all but forgotten - the stink will have evaporated. Were we wrong - or were we wrong?

Today, some newspapers are full of stories raking up the old stink all over again. Even that awfully nice man, Peston, has posted a whole list of questions that need to be answered (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-14624167). His questions will certainly mean that gas masks will be brought into No 10 because of the amount of dead rats that will accumulate!

So - my friends - what is the cause of all this? It seems that the man who chews his finger nails all the time and looked so very furtive - one Andrew Coulson - is at the core of all the hoo-ha. He began working for our 'Boy David' Cameron in July 2007. He became the Conservative Party's Director of Communications.

Was the poor bloke hard up coming to work for our Boy David? Was such a position badly paid? He earned:£275,000! Not a bad amount of dosh, you'll agree.

So - why did his former employer, News International, continue to pay him? It seems that, after he resigned, News International said it would pay him his full entitlement under his two-year contract as editor of the News of the World. Not bad, eh? Doubt if Arturo and I would get our daily sardines from 'Boy David' Cameron or Georgy Osborne, if we were enticed away to work for Buckingham Palace!

Now - Boy David is back in Cornwall on his jolly old fifth hol of the year - so far! That means neither Arturo nor I can find out whether he knew that - allegedly (got to be careful here - wink, wink - know what I mean!!) Andrew Coulson was getting money from his former employer, at the same time as he was working for him and being paid £275,000 for doing so!

Now the questions that the ever-so-nice Mr Peston asks are really important. How impartial could the advice given to Boy David by Coulson have been? There is a saying - 'He who pays the piper, calls the tune' - All I'd say is: 'Some Piper:Some Tune'.

So - that is why Arturo and I literally have our delicate feline noses to the ground! We're sniffing under the carpets - up the stairs - even around 'More Passion' - and into the White Room! Arturo says we need to leave 'no stone unturned' in our quest for the rats!

It's going to be a Long Day's Night for us both.

and 'Bye' from me.

It's all Greek to me @ No 10

The 'More Passion' neon in the Terracotta Room gave me quite a headache! We don't need it! We need less passion more sense. But will we get it? No, siree! Don't forget 'Boy David' Cameron was a useful Public Relations man - that's how he wheedled his way to the top of the Tory Party! One thing a useful PR man knows is that 'sense' is a dirty word. When sense comes in - skulduggery goes out and as we all know - politicians like nothing better than a bit of skulduggery - it's meat and drink to them.

Talking of skulduggery! I was tipped the wink by my pal, Arturo. He told me that 'Georgy' Osborne had been huffing and puffing over today's newspapers! Particularly a piece about his old bête noire, Lord Peter Mandelson. Now there's a name to conjure with, I thought. And that, my friends is precisely what was going on - how else did the Noble Lord manage to acquire over £8,000,000 in such a short time? Like the brilliant magician he is, he pulled it out of his hat - just like a white rabbit!

But - to cut to the chase - as Arturo would say - what made Georgy so out of sorts? It seems the Noble Lord Peter Mendelson recently became a 'senior adviser' to Lazard. That's right 'Lazard' not 'lizard'. Lizards are slippery reptiles that hide under stones. One could never apply that description to either investment bankers or of the Noble Lord, could one?

It seems that its many international clients are just falling over themselves to be associated with the Noble Lord. It also seems that Lazard is giving advice to the Greek government on negotiations about a multi-billion-euro bailout from the European Union. So, it's no wonder that 'Georgy' Osborne was tearing out his handsome mane of dark curls!

Now that's a right laugh, I thought! The Noble Lord Peter Mandelson for whom, as we know, economics was an arcane rite - is now mixed up with helping the Greeks to put right their huge debt! As one far wiser than I once said - 'It's all Greek to me!' and it as sure as hell is hot - all Greek to the Noble Lord.

But as Arturo and I discussed earlier - who needs sense in politics - so long as there is 'More Passion' - all will be well!

Hope you like my new signing off mark!

More Passion @ No 10

I was curled up, minding my own business, having what you humans call a cat-nap. Suddenly, Arturo, from No 11 bounded in spitting and hissing!

"Have you been upstairs? Have you seen ... it?"

"I've been upstairs, of course I have. Where do you think I was all night? What is the 'it', you're on about?"

"It's something awful! It glows and - to my eyes - wobbles! And it's on the wall!"

We both crept upstairs - we didn't really need to 'creep' because Boy David is already on his fifth - yes I did say 'fifth' holiday of the year. It seems he has gone back to Cornwall. I heard he was really worried he would be totally 'fried' by the pressures of being Prime Minister!

"Pressures of the job!" Arturo snorted. "How many holidays did poor old Churchill have for the six years he was in power during the Second World War? And he was twenty years older than Boy David is now! Talk about a wimp! I wouldn't mind being 'totally fried' by the pressures of being PM!" Arturo had really got going now! "He is driven everywhere! He has a grace and favour country estate! He has flunkies everywhere. I ..."

"Oh, do keep quiet, Arturo! You don't need to tell me! I wonder if he even knows the meaning of 'totally fried'. I bet the front line soldiers in Afghanistan on long tours of duty know what it means - but being 'totally fried' for Boy David means answering questions once a week in the Commons!"

We eventually reached the Terracotta Room - where the 'It' of Arturo's report was to be found! And there it was! Right before my very eyes: a socking great neon sign - stuck up on the wall. It was for all to see! It blinked at you in all its vulgarity:

'More Passion'

"More passion!" I nearly choked. "More passion! And in neon lights too! It looks like a bloomin' ice cream sign! Where did it come from?"

Just then a rather effete young man came in with a young woman:
"There it is, darling! What do you think? It was specially made for David Cameron by Tracey Emin. Isn't it marvellous! Just so ... so right ... for what the Coalition stands for!"

The wise girl said nothing! She stared in, what I could only describe as, open-mouthed shock. "Golly, Giles," She said. "Just think! Mrs Thatcher's old study is just across the way! Whatever would she have thought?" She giggled.

I sneezed loudly - the couple left. Arturo and I looked at each other.

"How much do you think that Emin woman got for it?"

"You think he actually paid for it?"

"Well, she's not daft, is she? She got nearly £60,000 for I Never Stopped Loving You, another neon on the seafront in Margate."

"Blimey you and me Arturo - we're in the wrong line of business! Boy David Cameron gets five holidays and it's only August - because he's afraid of being 'totally fried'. This Emin gets all that dosh for a bit of electric light twisted into a couple of words!"

"Hummmm!" Arturo said. "One thing we don't need here in Downing Street is 'Mora Passion', Butch, mi old mate! What we need is a bit more thought and a bit more work, if you ask me!"

'Bye' from Arturo

'Bye' from me

I say, I say, I say @ No 10

Arturo and I took an 'away-day' on Wednesday. High-Tail Tom arranged a trip round London for us. We arrived in Tottenham at the same time as Mop-Head Boris, Bagpuss Pickles and a couple of elderly Royals.

Mop-Head was his usual frenetic self - dashing here, there and everywhere a lot of 'sound and fury signifying nothing', as the great Poet would have said. Bagpuss Pickles - eager to be seen to be doing his 'bit', tried to look intelligent and sympathetic at the same time. An Herculean task for him.

The two were like an Old Time Music Hall act -
'I say, I say, I say - what should the Mayor of London do when Londoners are rioting?'.
'I don't know! What should the Mayor of London do when Londoners are rioting?'
'Try to look as though he really gives a damn.'

'I say, I say, I say - what should the Minister for Local Government do when local authorities are collapsing?'
'I don't know! What should the Minister for Local Government do when local authorities are collapsing?'
'Get a degree in voodoo psychology.'

So there, my friends, you have it in a nutshell - London and the Local Authorities are being run by people who are really more interested in their own image than in actually solving the problem. A problem only becomes a real problem when it hits them personally.  Then it becomes everyone's problem!

To be fair - Mop-Head and Bagpuss are not alone in this - they represent the tip of the iceberg. 9 out of 10 politicians - whether in or out of power - are only concerned with their own careers and future prospects. They will say or do anything to get into power. Once there, they will say or do anything to ensure they remain in power. Meanwhile - the rest of us - cats included, you understand - had better fend for themselves. There ain't going to be any help from anyone else!

Sorry to be so cynical - maybe it's because I didn't get my usual sardines today!

'Bye'

More sums @ No 10

I do hate harping on about the same topic! But this maths bug I developed yesterday has really got to me. Arturo is horrified. He says no self-respecting cat would sit doing sums all day. He reckons it's as bad as humans staring at pages of Sudoku puzzles trying to convince themselves they are exercising their brains.

Never mind, I thought, these little sums are keeping up my spirits at such a dismal time.

So, you ask, what sums have you been doing today, Butch? Or maybe, you didn't ask! But I'm going to tell you anyway. Remember our beloved Boy David made that rash pronouncement to the massed hordes of the media - that he would turn around 120,000 families before the end of the Parliament. Well, apart from the necessity of getting cracking immediately at a very fast rate - if he is to achieve his ambition, I'm not sure he has had a chat with Georgy from No 11.

Now - as we know, Georgy gets the shivers when he hears his old mate saying the Government will fund anything - anything at all. Chancellors are a bit like the dragons of ancient times. They gather their gold into a great big pile, curl their tail around it then sit there breathing fire at all and sundry. Well, Georgy is the epitome of such dragon-like behaviour! The other day in the Commons when Boy David said the Government would cover the costs of the rioting for various business, Georgy visibly flinched! Just look at the recording! First he flinches, then he hunches up - then he disappears! Talk about Gollum!

Well, my sums of today are going to make poor old Georgy shudder and shiver. The figures will turn his hair grey! 120,000 families to be turned around - remember that figure. Now Family Intervention Programme costs seem to vary between one local authority and another. However, the following was recently posted:

Family Intervention Projects are at the forefront of the government’s strategy – the Government recently announced a new £26million package of additional funding to extend FIPs to 10,000 families a year.

But 10,000 is NOT 120,000. Already, Georgy will be horrified at the prospect of £26,000,000 coming out of the Treasury pocket! Think again, Georgy, it ain't going to be £26,000,000! That's peanuts! Feed peanuts, as they say, and you get monkeys!

120,000 is 12 times larger than 10,000! So the bill will not be £26,000,000 it will be that figure times 12! So, I grabbed my trusty abacus - as any self-respecting cat does - and after pushing the little beads around - I came up with the grand total of £312,000,000.
Now that's no mean sum of money!

However - that was not the end - no siree!

The Home Office web site stated the following in 2010:

Because family intervention projects differ in the services they provide, so do the costs. The average costs range from around £8,000 per family for schemes which provide outreach services for families in their homes or living in managed properties, to around £15,000 for schemes which include the more intensive services (in a core residential unit). Government is contributing around £5,000 per family of this through funding. Other costs are met from the local authority through mainstream funding such as supporting people and neighbourhood renewal funds.

I grabbed my abacus again! These figures set my poor head spinning! If 120,000 families need £5000 to be turned around then the Government cost could well be - hold your hat on! £600,000,000! Of course - that assumed that additional funding would come from other sources!

If families are in real trouble - as surely the 120,000 must be - and it costs, according to the Home Office figures £15,000 then .... £1800,000,000! At this point my abacus collapsed! As would poor old Georgy, I imagine! You see - local authorities will not have the money to contribute to these schemes - so in order for Boy David's dream of 120,000 families to be turned around - central Government will have to cough up!

Now - we all know there are going to be severe 'cuts'! So who's going to be 'cut' to pay for the Boy David promise?

All these figures have hurt my poor head! Arturo has brought me a sardine to give me some energy! Then, we're off rat hunting tonight. That should take my mind off these astronomical sums of money - which, my friends, we ain't got!

'Bye'

7 families an hour 'turned around' @ No 10

"So many ideas - so little time to implement them!" That's what one of the fresh-faced Interns was muttering under his breath today. So many ideas! That's a joke, I said to myself. Every time Boy David catches a whiff of an idea - he gets so excited, he can hardly restrain himself from shouting "Whoopee! I've got an idea." This is regardless, you understand, of whether it was actually his idea - or someone else had suggested it!

Then - usually after a day or two, he is told by someone that the idea is rubbish and that it will lose votes. So, promptly and without a peradventure, Boy David says: "That idea has been scrapped - it was a rotten idea and I can't think who suggested it to me."

Hence, my friends the philosophy and actuality of the famous Cameron U-Turn!

Now, these last few days have been frenetic. Ideas have been coming and going and coming again! This has been a desperate attempt to capture the high ground - to appear to hold leadership in the palm of the hand. To be fair - they are all at it! IDS, Gove, Georgy, Wailing Lad Clegg, the Weasel man, Flash-Foot May and Miliband - Ed that is not David. So it's not just the ConDems but also Labour. Even mop-Head Boris is at it!

Arturo, my pal from No 11, limped in to No 10 to see me. He looked exhausted.
"Hey, my old Buddy, have you heard the latest from your Boss man? He's going to do great things, so I heard."

I hadn't heard. So I scampered round to listen to the latest from the Intern's gossip. And did I hear something - or did I hear something! It seems a corker of an idea has come from the mouth of Boy David himself. He has announced:

The broken society is back at the top of my political agenda.

I have an ambition, before the end of this parliament, we will turn around the lives of 120,000 most troubled families.

We need more urgent action, too, on the families that some people call ‘problem’, others call ‘troubled’. The ones that everyone in their neighbourhood knows and often avoids.

But that was not all he said - oh no! He promised to put rocket boosters into a programme run by A4e, to tackle anti-social families.

Now - as you know, as a mere cat - I am no mathematician - but the idea of dealing with 120,000 families before the end of this Parliament set my head spinning! Now, let's just suppose that there are 4 more years of the Coalition's 'first' term left to run. By very simple maths, that even I can manage 120,000 divided by 4 gives us 30,000. So that means each year, of the next four, 30,000 families will be 'turned around'.

Wow! I thought, 30,000 families turned around each year. That's quite some goal! It means that every week 577 families will be turned round.

By now the maths bug had got me. Gee, I just wish they'd done maths like this at school! Now, if Boy David is intent on these 120,000 families being turned around, I hope he has his skates on! Why? Because 577 families a week means - 82 families a day!

To take this one stage further - If 82 families a day are to be turned around in the 12 hours of a 'working' day then he must turn around 7 families per hour!

Of course, in the UK, most working people do have holidays and don't usually work 12 hours a day, nor do they work 7 days a week! After all - this isn't Germany! So, probably the 7 families an hour turn-around rate is very generous. It is more likely to be at least 10 families an hour. But let's be generous to Boy David - after all it is his 'Big Idea'.

All I can say is that I hope his associates have started this 'turn-around' lark from the word 'Go'. Because, my friends, if they didn't - then already he is 50 families short!!!

You know - in Trafalgar Square there is a clock counting down till the Olympic Games starts next year. I intend to start a clock countdown of 120,000 turned around families.

Do you think this is a good idea?

'Bye'

Flash-Foot May skins leopards @ No 10

I was having a nap - after all the hurly-burly who could blame me? I was rudely awoken by a click-click sound making its way along the corridor. Never one to exert myself, at such time, I peeped out from beneath the long golden, velvet curtain behind which I was snuggled.

The sight that met my eyes caused my hair to stand on end. For there right before my nose was leopard skin! Now, I know leopards and cats like me are supposed to be brothers under the skin - but I tell you this, my friend - brother he may be - but his dinner I ain't goin' to be!

I waited for the growl - nothing happened. So, bravely, I peeped out again. There was the leopard skin - only this time there were two of them! Holy Moses, I thought. Has Boy David finally lost his marbles and imported wild cats to ensure peace on the London streets?

Then, I heard a woman's voice - soft but rather moany - if you know what I mean. Gosh! I thought - that must be some woman - to be in the same room as two leopards! Then, I heard Boy David's voice. True, he sounded agitated but not in fear and trepidation.

Well, I thought, if he can face it - so can I. I stuck my head through the gap in the curtain and took a long look. There before my eyes were the two leopard skins! Right as day is day - they were there before my very eyes. The only thing was - they didn't have no body - nor head!

Instead, these pieces of skin - for that's what they were, my friend, were wrapped around the feet of this woman whose voice I'd heard. Ah ha! I though, she's some sort of big-game hunter!

At that moment, Arturo snuck up beside me: "I see our Flash-Feet May is in town." He snarled.

"Flash-Foot May! Who's she, when she's at home?"

"Oh, very clever!" Arturo said.

"What are you on about?" I was beginning to find Arturo annoying.

"Flash-Foot May - don't you know? She's Theresa May, the present Home Secretary. I thought you knew. Just look at her feet - you don't see many like those round here!"

"You mean she skins leopards for their pelts and makes them into shoes. Is it some sort of voodoo charm?"

"Don't be daft, Butch! She don't skin nothin'! She buys the things. They're called kitten heels!"

"You mean they skin leopard kittens!" I felt very indignant and faintly sick at the thought of this kitten-skinning.

"No! Least, I don't think so! She wears flash shoes all the time. She even wore leopard pattern boots to the Tory Party Conference, last year."

I took a good look at the woman. She was tall, very tall - with a mop of hair that flopped over her eyes. Her eyes were the unflinching sort! She didn't look at all pleased with life. Yet, this was the 'famed' lady Home Secretary who said of her relationship with the police:

I've ordered that type of approach to be taken by other forces and cancelled police leave.

The police were not having this. They retorted that she had no power to order them to do anything. That did not go down well with this Flash-Foot May. She'll have her own way, in the end, she's not a girl to be meddled with! She said:

What I was absolutely clear about...was making sure that police knew what I expected of them and what the public expected from them. And the public were not happy about what they were seeing on the streets.

Now - everyone in the country has made it clear that they want Boy David, Georgy and this Flash-Foot May to change their minds on cutting back the police. But our feisty huntress will not have this. She said:

I'm absolutely clear that police budgets can be cut without effecting the ability of the police to do the job that they want to do, that I want them to do, and that the public want them to do.

So there! That's telling them! Don't mess with this girl! She skins leopards for starters! Who knows what's next on her menu?

'Bye' from Arturo:

'Bye' from me:

A lot of 'sound and fury' @ No 10

It was all hands to the pumps, a couple of days ago. Now the frenzy has settled into torpor. Boy David's natural tan was beginning to fade - the London drizzle and the Commons fizz seemed to have a disastrous impact on his complexion which has gone back to Anglo-Saxon mud. No doubt the tanning lamp will be out to get that orange glow, he does so love.

Arturo and I watched the Parliament TV coverage of the 'Big' debate on the riots! Boy David, well coiffured, smartly dressed and word perfect - gave his speech. Then, he fielded questions in much the same way that the England cricketers fielded their catches in the Test Match.

We listened as MP, after MP, after MP rose and uttered comments of much 'sound and fury' but they signified 'nothing'. We guessed it was an exercise in trying to prove to their constituents that they were brilliant caring politicians worthy of their hire.

In fact, hardly any of them said anything worth saying - far less worth hearing! It was an exercise in mass PR. If anyone with half a brain was watching/listening/yawning/sleeping - they would have gleaned not one iota of an idea about:
1. Why the riots took place?
2. Who gave the orders to the police?
3. What attempts would be made to find solutions?
etc. etc. etc.

Some MPs congratulated themselves because they happened to be out on the streets at the time of the riots. Others said how quickly they had returned, once they realised how serious it was.

But - quite frankly - Boy David could have stayed in sunny Tuscany; Flash-Shoes May could have remained in the Alps; Georgy might as well have continued scoffing canapes in Los Angeles - for all the good that they did.

True - they marched up Tottenham High Street - they tutted along the smoke filled roads of Croydon - they looked suitably sympathetic in Brixton.

But what was the result? Nothing of any real substance that will help to stop the same thing happening all over again.

Meanwhile, the people who actually live on the rioted streets - took out their brooms and cleared up - no doubt they will now have to wait for weeks or months to get any real, practical help.

Never mind though - jolly old hols are not over for our intelligent, diligent MPs who by now will have scattered away to find a little piece of the Earth where sunshine actually exists.

'Bye'

Looking for the COBRA @ No 10

All mad rush and rant round here at No 11. If that COBRA is mentioned again, I think I'll head for the hills. Arturo and I tried to track it down - but thankfully to no avail. Yet, Boy David and Wailing Lad Clegg kept on saying how well COBRA had done. If it's the spitting sort - then Boy David can catch his own rats round here - I'm not staying.

Everyone political is back in town - I heard that however much it cost the darlings to get back to London Town - from whatever far flung part of the world they were sunning themselves in - they will all be reimbursed! What do you think of that? Will they reimburse the owners of the various businesses who were also away on holiday - to return to their smouldering heaps?

When Arturo and I discussed everything today - we thought it strange that if you are an undergraduate at a university - say Oxford for example - actions such as smashing a few shop windows - breaking up restaurants - destroying valuable musical instruments - are all considered 'youthful high spirits' by the college authorities and the police. On the other hand, if you are a young chap or chapess on holiday in Cornwall - for the 'season' - you can terrorise the locals by driving your posh sports scar at illegal speeds along country lanes; then get smashed out of your mind on booze and other substances and drive back at even faster speeds. All this done with just a wagging finger telling you to 'curb your youthful enthusiasm' before going up to Uni to start all over again!.

But then - these are humans we're talking about. The ways of humans are strange. If you are a young person living in a derived inner city borough and you smash windows and carry off 'loot' - then it's 'pure criminality'.

Now - I am not saying that these looters and fire-raisers were right - far from it. They deserve harsh punishment. However - why do the sons and daughters of over-privileged people such as bankers and city types get away with similar behaviour - without even an eyebrow being raised. As one lad mumbled through his mask: 'It ain't fair, it just ain't fair'!

Oh no! I heard they're going to talk to the COBRA again! I'm off into No 11!

'Bye'

The French have a word for it @ No10

Jolly hols are over for now for Boy David, Wailing Lad Clegg, Mop-head Boris! They are all back here - not sure where Georgy is though. Arturo says he's bound to be back for the recall of Parliament - wouldn't want to miss out.

Maybe, I'm a cynical cat! Maybe! But they did need to come back, didn't they? So now, they are 'pressing the flesh' as the Americans say! They're also talking to COBRA - we don't like the sound of that! Snakes are not favourites with Arturo and me!

But what's to do? Use water cannon? Use rubber bullets? Stop all police leave?

My answer is 'set a good example'. Simple really, make sure the bankers pay up for all the damage they caused to the country as a whole - tax their bonuses till they squeak! Bring down the rate of VAT - it hits the poorest worse than the middle classes. Restore the full EMA to get the rioting kids back on vocational courses; open up new youth clubs and sports grounds; clean up TV shown on mainstream channels; allow teachers to exert proper control in classrooms by cutting out this political correctness mania.

Above all else - stop politicians speaking like public relations employees and get them to begin to talk with belief and true conviction.

Adults are fed up with being fed electioneering hog-wash from all three main parties! Teenagers are even more perceptive and have become disillusioned with the adults around them.

My friend Phillippe from Paris, once rescued from Battersea - then taken to a splendid apartment overlooking the Seine, was due to come to London this week. Arturo and I were excited at the prospect of seeing him again! Then, today we heard he could not come. Why? The French foreign office issued a travel warning against making avoidable visits to Britain. Can you believe it! The French - I ask you!

How delighted the French foreign office must have been! Phillippe would not be able to come to see Nelson's column again and marvel at his great Trafalgar victory! He would not be arriving at Waterloo and pay silent respect to the Duke of Wellington! (I do trust you get the irony - I'm sure Napoleon would have!)

Meanwhile, Arturo heard that the Iranian Government have issued a statement making a plea that British police officers should stop attacking UK citizens. Enough said - no comment needed!

Remember those orphan kittens, I told you I was looking after them - well I must go to check that they're not ripping up the curtains, stealing milk from the pantry or pinching Boy David's caviar! These youngsters - who knows what they're up to, these days! Must be more disciplined with them!

'Bye'

London burns - but - where's Boris? @ No 10

My mate, High-Tail Tom, the one who has connections to Battersea, the Blue Cross and the PDSA, sent me a message via the grapevine.   It seems North London was in chaos, last night! The smell of burning cars and buildings filled the air.   Terrified people were bustled out of shops in Enfield, in the middle of the afternoon; police helicopters hovered overhead; mounted police charged down the street; police dogs barked!   Mindless twerps broke into shops and made off with 'loot'!  The police were exhausted!  Two consecutive nights of rioting - no let up for them.

And where, I asked myself, was that mop-headed Mayor of London?  And I don't mean that hero, Dick Whittington!  Now - there was a Mayor of London to be proud of - and he had the sense to have a cat!  In his time, London was prosperous, peaceful and knew how to get rid of rats.

So where was this mop-head Boris?   Was he at the front line keeping an eye on things?  Was he providing extra resources for the police?   Was he scrutinising the control centre of the Metropolitan force to ensure there were sufficient numbers to cope?  The answer, my friends is a resounding: 'No, he was not'.

The Deputy Mayor responsible for Policing - surprise surprise - said:

There is a growing desire from the media to see Boris Johnson back in London but the truth is that modern communications mean that he is just as in touch with the people leading this operation as he would be if he was sitting in his office. He is not going to come back and allow these criminals to set the agenda

Now, I have a suggestion for all the senior members of our Government.   Since it is so very easy to be just as in touch with what's going on in the UK and London from far, far away, while chaos pours down all around us - why not reverse the situation?

Why don't you all 'keep in touch' with your holiday destinations from Downing Street and City Hall by means of Skype, YouTube, Twitter and Facebook?  Why bother flying out to the four corners of the earth?   Be an eco-warrior - save the planet!  After all it's cheaper and will help the UK economy.   If you can savour all the fear and loathing in the UK and London - at a great distance - why not savour your holiday destination in the same way? 

After all - it's what Arturo and I have done all our lives!  Just think about it - remember you're all going to face the great British and London electorate soon - memory lasts!  You may not!

'Bye'

"I just called to say ..." @ No 10

It's Saturday - all quiet in the offices! Except for a couple of interns reading the papers, then throwing them on the floor, there are few humans around.  A couple of forlorn moniotors are still fixed on a Twitter account. That made for interesting reading too.

Remember the man called Prescott, former Deputy Labour Leader, who ran a campaign about 'wheresthegovernment' - well, his ideas were taken up by lots of the papers. But has it bothered our top three: Georgy, Boy David and Wailing Lad?  No it has not. They're basking while Europe goes down the pan!

One concession was made, however. On the site http://www.number10.gov.uk, there was an official announcement.

The Prime Minister’s spokesman said:


“The Prime Minister this evening spoke by telephone to German Chancellor Angela Merkel about the current instability in European and American stock markets.


“They agreed to monitor the situation closely and keep in close contact about the situation.”


The spokesman also confirmed the PM had spoken to the Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne, about the economic situation.

Wow!   Now, that's what I call going it!  They actually talked on the phone.  The conversation probably went something like this:

"Angela! How lovely to hear your voice. How are you? Having a good rest, I trust!"

"David, we are good, thank you!  We were, how do you say, enjoying ourselves, when we heard about the news from where you are?"

"News! What news?"  Sound of panic in voice.   "There's nothing much going on in England ..."

"Not England, David, Italy - Italy!   You're in Italy, aren't you?"   Laughs.   "I know the British Empire ruled most of the world, darling, but I don't think it ruled Italy!"

"Very amusing, Angela - but what's happened in Italy?   Sam and I haven't read a paper since we came here - we've had enough trouble with the waitresses!"

"Oh David, you English are so amusing.   But I thought that you would have heard of Silvio's little problems ..."

"What!  Another girl?"

"No, no, darling,. it's the Italian economy - it's going down the Tiber without a paddle - isn't that what the English say?   We'll have to meet next month to discuss how we can put it right!"

"Oh, I see - so you and the Euro lot will have to dish out some more money, will you? That doesn't really concern England, does it?"

"You're so wise to have kept the British pound, darling!  But we will need you.  Besides, it looks good to have you and George in the photographs."

"Photographs!  Oh, we'll be there for them!   The punters, back home,  like to see us doing our bit, you know.   Hope this little bubble of Euro trouble blows over, Angela.  As for Silvio - he knows how to handle the Itie - er - Italian people - after all, he runs the media - almost single-handed."

"Maybe, you should have got a parliamentary seat for James Murdoch - then you'd never have needed to worry again, either.  Byeee, darling - love to Samantha - put out a press notice saying we have talked.   It will impress the proleteriat!"

"Bye, Angela - thank you - I might just do that!"

Of course - as I say - it's only imaginary. I expect the reality was far more mundane!

'Bye'

Don't panic - Bill is @ No 10

The man with the purry-growly voice, remember him, the Foreign Secretary - William Hague - seems to be the only high level member of the Government still in town! Georgy, Boy David et al are living it up in some foreign field - so to speak. But not our Foreign Secretary, he's manning the fort.

It seems that our top three boys are spread across Europe and the US. As we know, the Prime Minister, Boy David, is in Tuscany; Georgy, our Chancellor, is on holiday in California; Wailing Lad Clegg, our Deputy Prime Minister, is in France.

Help! Who's running the country?

It's a pretty poor show - wouldn't you agree? All three away at the same time! Just imagine if Arturo stopped prowling round No 11 Downing Street; Larry went off to a luxury cattery and stopped inspecting the upper floors of No 10 Downing Street and I went off to my old home in Devon! Imagine it! The place would be overrun with rats, mice and other assorted vermin. But like The Captain of the gate, we stood our ground. As did William Hague, our very own Captain! Did you ever picture him as a hero? Well, he's really running the country - in loco parentis - so to speak.

Today, he came scampering to the rescue from his plush grace-and-favour residence in Kent! They do very nicely these Ministers of the Crown, don't they? Anyway, he was asked who would speak for the UK amidst "investor panic over the deepening eurozone debt crisis and health of the US economy"

William, our Bill, boldly announced, as any Captain of the gate would :

The Government is always operating 24 hours a day, we're not in the 18th century, of course everyone is constantly in touch by telephone or whatever means necessary. I've been discussing it with the Prime Minister this morning and indeed am on my way to central London to chair a meeting about this now.

So the Government is fully functioning in response to this crisis and indeed to anything else that is happening in the country or in the world.

Never fear - Arturo heard on the Downing Street grapevine - that Georgy will take time out of his splendid sunny Californian holiday to speak to the Governor of the Bank of England, Mervyn King. My! That is big of him! He will also find the time to chat to Ollie Rehn, the European commissioner for economic and monetary affairs. Georgy, ever a one for figures, will be counting up the minutes of Californian sunshine that he missed out on and will assuredly claim compensation - days off in lieu of spoiled holiday!

No doubt, he will then rush back to his sunlit pool and sip a glass of something appropriate! Nothing inappropriate, as we know, ever passes the lips of either Georgy or Boy David.

Meanwhile - on Twitter - Lord Prescott - the former Deputy Labour Prime Minister - found the situation amusing. He joked that the only one actually in charge was the cat. Arturo and I looked at each other, when we heard that. I puffed up my chest with pride - only to learn that he had posted a picture of Larry - that pampered puss from upstairs - standing on the Cabinet Room table!

Sometimes the righteous are not rewarded - still I do my duty - which is more than I can say for some around here!

'Bye'

The transparent obsessions of Mr Maude @ No 10

I do so hate to harp on about the same thing/person/event day after day. Maybe - it's because Boy David, our dear Prime Minister, is away enjoying the charms of Tuscany, whilst planning his next holiday. Maybe - I am jealous because the farthest I go is to Trafalgar Square to watch the crowds by the fountains. Whatever the reason, I turn again to the Paymaster General, one Mr Francis Maude.

He seems to have struck a very vocal streak recently. The subject of his verbose outpourings is the same : the public sector! No surprise there, then!

He has just announced in the Daily Telegraph today:

We are working towards a culture where openness and transparency become core operating principles of our public services

So far - so good!

He went on to comment:

In his second letter on transparency published on 7 July 2011, the Prime Minister announced a series of unprecedented commitments to focus on public service outcomes, through publication of new key data on the National Health Service, schools, criminal courts and transport

Again - so far - so good. Of course public services, like the above, need to be 'transparent', so do the contracts and even the salaries and consultancies.

Then, he went on to say:

Openness is also about enabling choice, letting you, the public, see who the best providers of public services are. ... – our moves will open up a huge marketplace of economic growth in a range of areas.

And this, my friends, is where I begin - and Arturo begins - to become suspicious! As Arturo said to me: "What's with this 'huge marketplace' baloney?"

And I agree, what indeed is this seemingly bland talk of a 'huge marketplace'? They say if you think you're being paranoid, don't worry - there's always someone out there waiting to 'get you'. And, you see, I think that this Weasel Man Maude is one of these Coalition blokes who is 'out to get' - the public sector lot! If I were a nurse, doctor, teacher, social worker ... I would be becoming very paranoid indeed, every time Weasel Man Maude opened his mouth or wrote an article.

Now what I would like is for the Government to be a bit more transparent about itself, its aims, its intentions, its ultimate goals. Tell us what they really intend this 'Big Society' to do. Tell us just how much of the Welfare State they intend to retain.

Arturo and I would like a bit more transparency about the appropriate conversations Boy David, our PR Prime Minister, had with Rebekah and Andy and James. We know they were never 'inappropriate', we've already been told that, in a totally transparent way.

There are many other questions we'd like to ask Mr Maude himself ... too many to list in this blog. We'll send them to him and await the transparent response.

'Bye' from me:

Pooh Bah calls the shots @ No 10

On 1 July 2011, I wrote a post called 'Gold-plated pensions @ No 10'. It featured one 'Weasel Man' namely: Francis Maude, Tory MP for Horsham, Minister for the Cabinet Office and Paymaster General. As then, so am I now amazed by the status of this man.

At that time, however, it appeared he was not quite as impressive as the titles he held - a bit like a veritable 'Lord-High-Everything-Else' - none other than a modern Pooh Bah.

Now Francis Maude has surfaced again to rail not against 'gold-plated pensions but vowing to end lucrative pay deals for senior public servants. It seems that the Government, eager to be 'transparent' as far as everybody else's business is concerned, published a list of 291 people who are paid more than £150,000 and some of whom have extra allowances up to £60,000.

Well now - I thought to myself, Weasel Man is on to something here - these chaps and chapesses do seem to be very well paid indeed. It seems that at least two of these highly paid people had expenses for travel and accommodation. Weasel man commented:

These kind of deals are relics of the past. It is absurd to expect that people can be paid the same amount in the public sector as they are paid in the private sector. People come in [from the private sector] to do jobs at senior levels in the public sector because they have an opportunity to make a big difference in the public sector, where they can work on a huge canvas.

These [deals] are a feature of the past and not the future. They were made when money was thought to grow on trees.

What a man! What a man of integrity! A veritable Daniel among men.

Then, I thought I'd take a look at the expenses of 'Lord-High-Everything-Else'. MPs have to be transparent, don't they, even if they were dragged kicking and screaming to this state of affairs.

What did I find, my friends? Well - for the year 2008/2009 our Mr Francis Maude, Paymaster General etc etc claimed the following:

Staying away from main home: £22,207
Office running costs: £12,888
Staffing costs: £89,993
Communications Allowance: £22,373
Members' Travel: £ 6,281
Members' Spouse Travel: £ 42
Stationery: £ 2,013
Grand Total: £155,797

My, my, my! I thought - that's a lot of dosh for old Pooh Bah. Then again. since he thinks that expenses like travel and accommodation are:

a feature of the past and not the future. They were made when money was thought to grow on trees.

I'm sure he will agree to waive all such expenses claims in future and live off his parliamentary ministerial salary. Which is how much?

Cabinet ministers receive a salary of £134,565

Oh, I see - it's a mere pittance! Of course, Parliament ended a week ago and it won't sit again until the Autumn. No doubt Weasel Man will have to tend his flowerbeds, collect the rental from one of his homes and have a prolonged rest from being 'Lord-High-Everything-Else' which must be very onerous, I'm sure you will agree.

I sat on the doorstep and basked, for a wee while in the summer sunshine. I thought how strange are the ways of political man. One minute ranting against the public servants who work from 9 to 5 and have three to four weeks holiday a year. The next minute drooling over their own expenses cheques - which are as we've been told 'a relic of the past'.

Me - I'm just glad I'm a cat and don't get no expenses!

'Bye@

The Amazing Shrinking 'Big Society': Ain't it all a bloody shame! @ No 10

I listened to the news on the BBC radio. I like radio news, usually it is much calmer than all the razzmatazz on TV news - no beating drums, no pulsating rings - just the 'pips' and the headlines and a cool, clear voice. But - today, I sat up when I heard that over 2000 charities were being forced to close and sack their staff.

So - this is what Ollie meant by 'fear', I thought. Then a ripple of anxiety came over me - what about the Blue Cross and the PDSA? They're charities. If they're cut, Arturo and I could be for the high jump, when we're too old to catch rats!

Then, I thought - this is the United Kingdom - other charities may go under but not animal charities. I kicked myself for being selfish and listened more closely. It seems that Birmingham city council has cut funding to the largest number of charities. Over 190 organisations have lost out. In London, 174 groups have had cuts.

380 children's and young-people charities have been badly affected. The list goes on and on. The elderly and the disabled have also been hit. Phew! I thought - no animal charities! Then, I felt bad! What about the people who can't care for themselves? What about very young children from poor families? What about old, sick and confused people?

WHAT ABOUT THE BIG SOCIETY?

Boy David, Georgy from next door, Wailing Lad Clegg have all gone on and on and on about the wonderful world that will be ours when the 'big society' comes to fruition. No more need for public sector workers - oh no! - their jobs will be done by willing, smiling volunteers working for charities. Smiling girls with kind eyes; maternal creatures making cakes and jam and distributing largesse to the grateful, starving, former public sector workers; retired bankers offering to mow lawns for the disabled; ex-MPs taking children from poor families on outings.

So what's all this 'cuts to charities' lark? That ain't no way to kick start the 'big society', I thought.

Well the Unions have strong opinions about all this. Brendan Barber, the general secretary of the TUC said:

The big society is looking more and more like a big con … These deep cuts to voluntary groups across the UK show that government claims that charities can replace direct services currently provided by central or local government are false.

The worry is that the 'real' cuts have only just started! My guess is that by this time, next year, some bright spark from the Coalition will sit up and say:

"Do you know - I think the voluntary sector has disappeared altogether - I tried to get the phone numbers for Head Start, CAB, Womens' Shelters and some bloke told me they don't exist anymore. Anyone know why? We really need them to take over the work of the nursery school teachers we made redundant and the social workers we've sacked and ..."

"Shut up!" Will be the response!

I gather Boy David who hasn't yet come back from his first 'jolly old hols' in Tuscany is planning a second 'jolly old hols'. You see big society or not - neither he nor Georgy will ever need a volunteer to hold their hand when they're frightened, lonely and homeless. So as the song goes

It's the same the whole world over,
It's the poor that get the blame,
It's the rich that get the pleasure,
Ain't it all a bloody shame.

Me? I'm off to volunteer to look after some orphan kittens for the week - no one here at No 10 - so no one will notice.

'Bye'