"Have you seen the latest Government scam?" Arturo, at last, managed to articulate. Before I could reply, he rushed on. "It's unbelievable! truly unbelievable!"
After a sip of full fat milk and a nibble on one of my sardines - he continued: "It's that Grant Shapps twerp!"
"Who's he, when he's at home?" I asked - never having heard of this chap Shapps. Now I have heard of Schnapps - I'm told it's just like gin!
"Grant Shapps is the Housing Minister! Surely, you knew that?"
"Housing, Paymaster General, Home Secretary, Planning Minister ... etc, etc, etc. They all say the same thing, don't they?"
Arturo thought about this for a while: "Well - this time - it's really nuts! Just plain nuts, I tell you. This Minister for Housing plans to house people in - wait for it - boats!"
"Boats! Did you say 'boats'?" I thought I'd not heard it correctly!
"Boats! B.O.A.T.S. Boats!"
It seems that Arturo was right! This Grant Shapps chap said that boats with residential moorings could be used to house people. This would allow people to live in areas where they could not afford to do so otherwise. Like up some smelly old creek!
It seems that some 15,000 people live on the UK’s waterways. Mr Shapps said that he was sure many more “would like to do so”. To encourage this move to the water, the Government’s New Homes Bonus might well be available. Probably, this means that local councils will get funds to use in waterside areas!
Mr Shapps said that houseboats show how “unconventional housing” can be used to tackle the UK’s current housing shortage. This requires around 60,000 new homes to be built per quarter for the shortfall to be met.
Bright chap Shapps went on to say:
Whilst they will never overtake bricks and mortar in putting a roof over the heads of families, innovative new ways of housing families – such as residential moorings – play an important role in allowing people to live near to their place of work, children’s school, or family, and where perhaps they would not be able to afford to otherwise.
Now that's what I call a veritable example of Lateral Thinking - De Bono et al would be thrilled! If you have a problem - think laterally! You never know where you'll end up!
Just imagine it - one old rotting hulk of a barge for sale - needs to be refurbished - but then it will float! What more could a family ask? Cold in summer, damp and freezing in winter - loverly!! Slops thrown over the side! No need for dustmen!
Of course, there are luxury houseboats - better than your average semi! But they cost a fair lot of dosh! No local council is going to pay for a real smart floater, are they?
I had a pal once, lived on a houseboat in Windsor - his owner came home - slightly the worse for wear, fell off the gangplank and had to be fished out of the Thames - needed several injections to ward off various dreaded lurgies! But - my pal said it was a great life for him personally. Why? because the boat's hold was full of rats!! Great! Dinner guaranteed every night!
Arturo and I don't fancy a life afloat though! We don't like damp - we don't like fog - we don't like water weed - we like all the comforts of a home with bricks and mortar and a roof!.
But since this Shapps chap probably envisages that it'll only be the bloomin 'plebs' who'll buy into this - who cares about home comforts! After all - didn't a Tory Minister once suggest that instead of building more prisons, we could use boats - just like the old Victorian prison ships! Bring back the lash, says me!
"Plus ça change!" Arturo was heard to mutter as he returned to No 11.
'Bye' from us both:
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