Don't panic - Bill is @ No 10

The man with the purry-growly voice, remember him, the Foreign Secretary - William Hague - seems to be the only high level member of the Government still in town! Georgy, Boy David et al are living it up in some foreign field - so to speak. But not our Foreign Secretary, he's manning the fort.

It seems that our top three boys are spread across Europe and the US. As we know, the Prime Minister, Boy David, is in Tuscany; Georgy, our Chancellor, is on holiday in California; Wailing Lad Clegg, our Deputy Prime Minister, is in France.

Help! Who's running the country?

It's a pretty poor show - wouldn't you agree? All three away at the same time! Just imagine if Arturo stopped prowling round No 11 Downing Street; Larry went off to a luxury cattery and stopped inspecting the upper floors of No 10 Downing Street and I went off to my old home in Devon! Imagine it! The place would be overrun with rats, mice and other assorted vermin. But like The Captain of the gate, we stood our ground. As did William Hague, our very own Captain! Did you ever picture him as a hero? Well, he's really running the country - in loco parentis - so to speak.

Today, he came scampering to the rescue from his plush grace-and-favour residence in Kent! They do very nicely these Ministers of the Crown, don't they? Anyway, he was asked who would speak for the UK amidst "investor panic over the deepening eurozone debt crisis and health of the US economy"

William, our Bill, boldly announced, as any Captain of the gate would :

The Government is always operating 24 hours a day, we're not in the 18th century, of course everyone is constantly in touch by telephone or whatever means necessary. I've been discussing it with the Prime Minister this morning and indeed am on my way to central London to chair a meeting about this now.

So the Government is fully functioning in response to this crisis and indeed to anything else that is happening in the country or in the world.

Never fear - Arturo heard on the Downing Street grapevine - that Georgy will take time out of his splendid sunny Californian holiday to speak to the Governor of the Bank of England, Mervyn King. My! That is big of him! He will also find the time to chat to Ollie Rehn, the European commissioner for economic and monetary affairs. Georgy, ever a one for figures, will be counting up the minutes of Californian sunshine that he missed out on and will assuredly claim compensation - days off in lieu of spoiled holiday!

No doubt, he will then rush back to his sunlit pool and sip a glass of something appropriate! Nothing inappropriate, as we know, ever passes the lips of either Georgy or Boy David.

Meanwhile - on Twitter - Lord Prescott - the former Deputy Labour Prime Minister - found the situation amusing. He joked that the only one actually in charge was the cat. Arturo and I looked at each other, when we heard that. I puffed up my chest with pride - only to learn that he had posted a picture of Larry - that pampered puss from upstairs - standing on the Cabinet Room table!

Sometimes the righteous are not rewarded - still I do my duty - which is more than I can say for some around here!

'Bye'