Thursday 30 June 2011

Who won? The verdict's not in @ No 10?

Arturo and I told you yesterday that we were on strike today - starting at midnight, last night. Two large rats crossed the threshold of No 10 and made their scurrying way to No 11. We took no notice, though I saw Arturo lick his whiskers!

We slept late, this morning. After a hearty breakfast of sardines and sour milk, we made our way to the Cabinet Office where one of the secretaries was listening to the BBC Radio 4 programme 'Today'. It's not one of our favourites - but it does let you know what's going on! Some man whose voice I recognised started whining about the strikes! I knew, at once, that it was the Weasel man - Francis Maude. He was trying to make another man - Mark Serwotka, agree that public service pensions were 'unaffordable'. He did not succeed. This Serwotka chap stuck to his guns. He said his union members would have to pay more, work 8 years longer and receive a lower pension. He said it was not right! Weasel man insisted that the unions had very little support, few members had even bothered to vote - so the strike was not right! He went on to say:
You cannot have more and more people supported by fewer and fewer people in work.

The more we listened, the more we thought that Weasel man was losing the argument. Then, it got even worse for him! The BBC chap started questioning him closely about his facts! Weasel man came away from the interview with his tail between his legs!

We then spotted a newspaper on the floor! A large section had been highlighted in red ink. We peeped and read that this Serwotka chap had made a comment:
This is the opening skirmish. Three quarters of a million tomorrow, it could be four million in the Autumn if they do not change direction.

Oh great! I thought - more days off to come! Then, we heard the main door open! Boy David sauntered in looking very pleased with himself.

"How did it go, Prime Minister?" Someone asked.

"Oh, fine! I took the children to school - no problem!"

"So - he's a strike-breaker," Arturo whispered in my ear.

Wailing Lad Clegg arrived looking not as downcast as usual. "Been urging co-operation rather than strike action." He said. He waited for praise from Boy David. He only got a favourable nod.

"Blimey," I said to Arturo, "It's bound to go belly-up then! Anything Wailing Lad says always goes wrong! Wouldn't want him in my team!"

Arturo and I decided not to go to Trafalgar Square. Last time we went there, I got my tail trodden on by some fat twerp! So, we lay in the sun under the rose bushes, instead. It seems, if this Mark Serwotka is as good as his word, we'll be having lots more days off this year!

'Bye!'


Wednesday 29 June 2011

Black Thursday tomorrow @ No 10

Boy David was in a right strop today. Just wait till tomorrow! He thought that the charm offensive would work - the one he didn't try on the public sector workers. He somehow was convinced that the masses would tug their forelocks, smile and say:

Yes, sir, we promise not to spoil your day. We give up; we'll pay more; work longer and die earlier - just to please you!

Today at the weekly PMQs, there was a further row about the whole issue. Not because Miliband - Ed, that is, not David - raised the problem. No - the dire word 'strike' was uttered by Boy David himself. He became roused because he could not answer the detailed questions that Miliband has used as a tactic against him for the last three weeks. And it's beginning to get under Boy David's skin. Today, he shouted at Miliband - Ed, that is, not David -

He can't talk about strikes because he's in the pocket on the unions. He can't talk about Greece because his plan is to make Britain like Greece. He has to talk about the micro because he can't talk about the macro.

The Speaker, Mr Bercow, cut him off in mid flight of words. For his pains, Mr Bercow got a long hard stare from Boy David. I don't give much for his chances!

Now, we all have to wait for tomorrow! Arturo and I have decided to hightail it out of Downing Street. We think the pots and pans will be flying!

So, it's 'Bye' from me while I'm still in one piece and have nine lives left.


Tuesday 28 June 2011

Keep it cool @ No 10

'I must remember to appear calm... I must remember to appear calm ... I must remember to appear calm...'  Those were the whispered words I heard Boy David saying to himself as he smiled, in a variety of ways, into the large hall mirror.

Oh Boy! He's at it again, I thought to myself.   Yet another charm offensive on the way.  Who's the lucky recipient, this time?  As I was pondering the question, Arturo padded in through the back garden door.  He almost swaggered over to me, so I guessed he had news that he didn't think I'd know about.

"So, Butch, your Boss is off to try to placate the strikers, is he?"

"Of course," I said. Frankly, I hadn't a clue. But, I'd never admit it.

"Yep, he's off to try to stop the big strike on Thursday."

So, the pair of us padded quietly around to hear him practise his speech.  I couldn't hear it all, he has a tendency to mutter when he's trying to cover up annoyance.  But this is what we did glean:

The taxpayer currently contributes over two-thirds of the costs of maintaining public sector pensions. That's the equivalent of £1,000 a household. That figure is only expected to rise.

Is that a fair? I don't believe it is ...The reason we can't go on as we are is because as the baby-boomers retire – and thankfully live longer – the pension system is in danger of going broke ... in the 1970s, when a civil servant retired at 60, they could expect to claim a pension for around 20 years ... Today, when they retire at 60, they can expect to claim a pension for nearly 30 years

Good luck to them, I thought!   Poor beggars slaving away for a pittance and hoping to get a decent life in their old age.   Not everyone can be born with a silver spoon in their mouth, can they?  Then, I could hear Boy David babbling on, this time he was reaching a crescendo of emotion:
To those considering strike action at a time when discussions are ongoing, I would say to you: these strikes are wrong – for you, for the people you serve, for the good of the country. It's the changes we propose that are right. Right for the long term. Right by the taxpayer. And, most crucially of all, right by you

"Oh Yeah!" Arturo said. "Who's he kidding?"

I had to agree with Arturo - although I'm not exactly a public sector worker - and I certainly won't be getting a pension for any one of my nine lives, I think I'll go on strike on Thursday too.  The Downing Street rats and mice will have a free run all day from both me and Arturo.  Every cat's place is in its union - that's our motto for the day!

'Bye' from Arturo:


And it's 'Every cat to the barricades!' from me:

Monday 27 June 2011

Clinking of fine china @ No 10

Having a cup of tea took on quite a dramatic meaning here at No 10 today. Would Boy David invite Mr Wen Jiabao, the Chinese Premier, to take a cup of China tea or a cup of Indian tea? Perhaps, his PR training saw off the possible political embarrassment and he offered him a cup of coffee instead! No faux pas there!

But that was as far as the PR went. Poor Boy David had quite a dressing-down from the Chinese Premier. He was told by Wen Jiabao:
On human rights, China and the UK should respect each other, respect the facts, treat each other as equals, engage in more co-operation than finger-pointing and resolve our differences through dialogue. China is not only pursuing economic development but also political structural reform and improvement in democracy and the rule of law.

He then went on to say "This has taught the Chinese never to talk to others in a lecturing way, but to respect nations on the basis of equality." Wonder what the Dalai Lama would think of that!

Boy David, the old Etonian gentleman that he is, retained his cool. His charm rehearsals are paying dividends. His comments were diplomatic, to say the least. He said:
There is no trade-off in our relationship. It is not about either discussing trade or human rights. Britain and China have such a strong and developed relationship. We have a dialogue that covers all these issues, and nothing is off limits in the discussions that we have.

After much discussion, many nods and strategic smiles, Premier Wen Jiabao announced that he would be sending two giant pandas to Edinburgh Zoo as a sign that "our common interests outweigh our differences".

Wow, I thought, two giant pandas! How come no one ever sends cats as a political gesture? Come to think of it - why are the giant pandas being sent to Edinburgh Zoo. Perhaps, Mr Wen Jiabao knows more about the Scottish proposals for independence from the UK, than Boy David knows!

So - it's 'bye' from me:


Friday 24 June 2011

Thank God it's Friday @ No 10!

He seems to have survived today - so far, that is. He, being Boy David. The only problems on his horizon are the Europeans - so what's new? Also, there is a troublesome backbencher snapping at his heels. Quite daring, if you think about it. After all, Boy David is the PM and this backbencher is very much a backbencher.

The man in question is one Mr Mark Pritchard. I heard his dulcet tones on the radio, last night as I was trying to have a quick nap before the night's rat hunt with Arturo. Then, I heard the said Mark Pritchard say quite stark things about Boy David.

This morning, Arturo and I peeped over the shoulder of one of the Downing Street clerks who was reading from Mark Pritchard's website. You should know that Mark Pritchard has a Private Member's Bill trying to ban the use of wild animals from the circus ring in the UK. Not an issue to raise hackles among the big-wigs in the Tory party, you would think. But, you would be wrong. This is part of what we read:

On Monday, in return for amending my motion, dropping it or not calling a vote on it—and we are not talking about a major defence issue, an economic issue or public sector reform; we are talking about the ban on wild animals in circuses—I was offered a reward, an incentive. If I had amended my motion and not called for a ban, I would have been offered a job. [Hon. Members: “Ooh!”] Not as a Minister, so those who are competing should not panic. It was a pretty trivial job, like most of the ones I have had—at least, probably, until 30 minutes from now. I was offered incentive and reward on Monday, and then it was ratcheted, until last night, when I was threatened. I had a call from the Prime Minister’s office directly. I was told that the Prime Minister himself had said that unless I withdrew this motion, he would look upon it very dimly indeed.

Well, I have a message for the Whips and for the Prime Minister of our country—I did not pick a fight with the Prime Minister of our country, but I have a message. I might be just a little council house lad from a very poor background, but that background gives me a backbone, it gives me a thick skin, and I am not going to kowtow to the Whips or even the Prime Minister of my country on an issue that I feel passionately about and on which I have conviction. There might be some people with other backbones in this place, on our side and the other side, who will speak later, but we need a generation of politicians with a bit of spine, not jelly. I will not be bullied by any of the Whips. This is an issue on which I have campaigned for many years. In the previous Parliament I had an Adjournment debate and I spoke in the passage of the Animal Welfare Act 2006. I have consistently campaigned on this issue, and I will not kowtow to unnecessary, disproportionate pressure.

As you can see, the gentleman felt passionately. He would not kow-tow! And who can blame him?

Anyway - as you can imagine, Boy David was questioned on this issue. Despite the fact that he was in Brussels debating the very future of the EU, reporters had the temerity to ask him about the way Mark Pritchard had been treated. You can just see the faces of amazed Europeans!  What is wrong with the British, they must have been asking themselves.   At such a moment - when Europe is teetering on the brink - the British Prime Minister is asked about circus rings!!!!

Nothing daunted, Boy David decided to answer the question.  He insisted that his staff were not the sort of people to threaten or intimidate MPs.
"My Downing Street operation is - not everyone's absolutely like Mother Theresa, but that's the default setting - they're very gentle, reasonable people. I don't entirely agree with all the things that I've read, that there's a slavering Rottweiler sitting by my desk. That's absolutely not the case."

He added that he was "profoundly relaxed about the whole thing." Arturo and I both nodded. After, the problems he's been having, no wonder he's relaxed about this.

We did do a search round No 10 for the Rottweiler - so far - we've not found him.  But we're still on our guard!

So, it's 'bye' from Arturo:

And it's 'have a good weekend' from me, my friends!

Thursday 23 June 2011

Tea and Little Sympathy @ No 10

What a week at No 10 and there's still one more day to go! No peace for the wicked, eh! Boy David has had a dreadful time. Admittedly, he did have a cup of tea with the Queen and Prince Philip. That was the highlight - a time to relax - a time not to worry about the press - that was as good as it got.

But as for the rest of the week, it's been dreadful. Watching out for another u-turn waiting to trip him up; then falling flat on his face at PMQs when Miliband - Ed that is not David - laid a ripe banana in front of him. He failed to see it and even Theresa May couldn't catch him in time.

He thought that, at least, with Nick Clegg out of the country there would be no more instant quotes given to the press. He had not, of course, realised that Wailing Boy Clegg is an even more adroit public relations man than he is. When I say 'adroit', I should have said 'eager', since adroitness implies a degree of skill and forethought. Needless to say, Wailing Lad Clegg took his mind off his set brief in Brazil: to foster trade relations between the UK and Brazil and turned it back to what was happening in the UK.

Clegg thinks that the Coalition cannot function without an input from him on a regular basis. Never mind the sense, an input is what is needed and an input is what there must be.
So it was that in the midst of a press conference in Brazil, he let it be known that he had written to George Osborne asking them to look into a “mass share ownership scheme” as part of the privatisations of RBS and Lloyds.

Why on earth did he have to say that? He was doing very nicely singing strictly from the hymn sheet. Then, he felt the call of the need to up his profile in the UK - hence the comment.

This has given Boy David another headache that he really didn't want. The announcement from Clegg met with frank astonishment. The scheme is unbelievably complex to deliver. It is likely that the admin costs would outweigh the value of the shares! Also, as many economists have pointed out - now is not the time to consider doing such a thing.

More great news for Boy David - it seems that two of his ministers are not speaking to each other. What is the subject of this falling out? Rubbish bins! Yes, rubbish bins. Eric Pickles, the man who seems to have consumed more pickle than good for him, the Communities Secretary and Caroline Spelman, the Environment Secretary who longed to sell off all our trees, have had an almighty row. Now they are not speaking to each other.

Mr Pickles was talking to Ms Spelman on the telephone. He said to her:
“Why don’t you spend less time speaking to your officials and more time listening to the electorate?”
Ms Spelman was obviously affronted and the two are now not speaking to each other. Frankly, I'd be delighted not to speak to Mr Pickles or Ms Spelman. But that's no way to run a Cabinet, is it?

What will Boy David do? I expect he wishes Clegg would stop talking and that Pickles and Spelman would learn sense. However, Boy David famously said earlier in the week:
I think it is very important ... to think very carefully about what you are about to say.
I just hope he repeats the mantra every morning before he gets out of bed and tells his ministers to do the same.

Maybe, just maybe, next week will be a better one.

So - it's 'bye' from Arturo:

And it's 'bye' from me:

Wednesday 22 June 2011

Running rings round 'our David' @ No 10

I think it is very important, whether you are a political leader or a military leader, to think very carefully about what you are about to say.

Arturo and I heard those words! We looked at each other sagely and nodded. How true! How very true! But has our Boy David listened to those splendid words of advice that he gave out so freely? Arturo and I do hope so!

Today was PMQs again - for those of you not familiar with the term - it stands for Prime Minister's Questions. It's something the British parliament has subjected its 'first among equals' to for many many years: quite an ordeal! Even PMs such as MacMillan and Blair, so outwardly confident and full of themselves, found it daunting. Boy David, with all the seeming advantages of an Eton and Oxford education, should be able to hold his own without a sign of a fluttering heartbeat. In the beginning - he did. He swaggered to his place, as to the manner born.

But - the last two PMQs have seen Boy David starting to look vulnerable. Miliband - Ed that is not David - has developed a new tactic. Let's be honest - he did need to do this. Boy David wiped the floor with him for weeks on end. Last week, however, Miliband's questions on the benefits being taken from cancer patients rather ruffled our PM's feathers. In fact, he looked downright dishevelled. He began making snide comments in the fashion of a 'public school bully' - several commentators said.

So - today was to be another test of nerves for both our Boy David and for Ed Miliband, whom Arturo and I have named the Startled One. You must agree, he does look constantly surprised by everything - even by his own speeches. Still - that's no bad thing!

Questions today flowed fast and furious: Miliband began with some warm-up questions. The first was about the cost of the Afghanistan war. He made a comment on the same subject matter as covered in my blog yesterday - the way Cameron told the army chiefs :“You do the fighting, I’ll do the talking”. Miliband finished by saying that this remark had been “very crass and high-handed”. Boy David - true to form - did not flinch or back down. He was cheered on by his motley crew of back-benchers!

Then, the Startled One began asking about the DNA records of people who have been arrested for rape, but not charged. So, you ask, what's clever about that? Well, my dears, our Boy David is well briefed about the big issues, the broad sweep of things. But, he isn't one for details in his briefings! And so it was that he did not answer the question. Instead, to cover his lack of detail, he went on to attack Labour for a speech made by the Shadow Chancellor. The Speaker intervened and the Startled One repeated his question. This time, Theresa May, Home Secretary, her of the leather jackets and weird shoes fame, leaned towards her leader and tried desperately to brief him on the missing details. Boy David was flustered, his cool evaporating fast!

The Startled One quipped that perhaps he should be better briefed before coming to the House. To which Boy David retorted that:
“I understand there is some worry that in this government we actually talk to each other.”
This produced guffaws of Tory laughter! The Startled One - not given to comedy act responses - managed one this time. He said:
“It would be better to talk to his colleagues before they put forward the policy than afterwards.”

So - maybe our Boy David should heed his own words of the morning :
I think it is very important, whether you are a political leader or a military leader, to think very carefully about what you are about to say.

So, it's 'Bye' from Arturo:


And it's 'Bye' from me:


Tuesday 21 June 2011

Shut up and do what you're told @ No 10

“There are moments I wake up and read the newspapers and think, I tell you what, you do the fighting and I’ll do the talking.”

Those are the words I heard coming from the mouth of our Boy David, this morning at his press conference. I felt the frisson of surprise ripple through the massed ranks of those gathered in front of him.

"Well, dodgy!" Arturo whispered in my ear.

And I agreed - it was indeed 'well dodgy!'. Now, as I have, so often, explained to you, Boy David is not one for spontaneity. He rehearses, every day, those little phrases that appear like throwaway remarks. He practises, before the mirror, those nods, smiles and knowing blinks. He would, wouldn't he? He was a Public Relations man par excellence, after all. So, it's only natural that when he became PM, he took with him all the tricks of a very tricky trade.

But - this morning was different. Maybe, he hadn't slept well the previous night! After all, Arturo had been caterwaulling outside No 10 all night. Maybe, the thought of the unions acting up had got to him and kept him from his dreams! Possibly, it was beginning to dawn on him that this Coalition lark wasn't such a great idea! But - whatever the reason, his mask slipped and he came out with that crass comment!

Why 'crass', do you ask? Just think about it. The British Armed Forces have been in an almost constant state of war for ten years! Yes, ten years! And all because of the rash decisions of their political masters.

Ten years of combat - only to have their life-saving equipment taken away - or never even being received in the first place. To be fair, this was not the responsibility of the Coalition - the other lot managed that! But then, along comes the Coalition and makes serving soldiers redundant - whilst they are still at the front line! It cuts their budget so that their time away from the war zone is cut still more.

"How many times," Arturo asked me, "has Boy David crawled along a drainage ditch in Iraq or Afghanistan? How often has he walked gingerly along a dusty path where IODs have been planted and hidden? Yet, now he has as good as told them to 'shut up!'"

I agreed - I doubt whether our Boy David will sleep very comfortably tonight. Arturo and I have a planned caterwaul-in this evening!

Saturday 18 June 2011

Stop Braking! You're making me dizzy @ No 10!

Arturo and I are in total emotional disarray. We are not our usual placid selves at all. Despite a great night hunting rats - with considerable success, we have not had a day of rest today! And why is that? Because of the commotion here at No 10 and No 11!

'Georgy' Osborne, 'Boy' David Cameron, 'Wailing Lad' Nick Clegg and 'Babyface' Danny Alexander, known as the 'Quad' to the cognoscenti, are the pace setters of the Coalition agenda! So far - so good, you would think. Equity - two and two. But it isn't, is it? Georgy and Boy David are the senior partners. However much Clegg and Alexander stamp their feet and strut their stuff - they are very much the juniors.

At the end of the week, Babyface went and put his foot in it! Undoubtedly, he'd been given instructions from somewhere on high - how high, we know not! But, into the fray went our Danny. He announced to the world - the Institute for Public Policy Research (IPPR) thinktank that is - that drastic changes would be made to public sector pensions. He said there would be an increase in the pension age for public sector workers to 66 by 2020, putting them in line with the state pension age.

So - what's wrong with that? You might well ask. Well, my dears, what was wrong was the fact that Babyface Alexander was in the midst of negotiating over these very issues with Unison, the public service workers' union! And boy did the union object!

You can understand it, can't you. Imagine - you are negotiating to buy a house and you read in the papers that the house has been sold to you at a higher price than the one you had been discussing with the owners. Would you feel happy? No, you would not. And Dave Prentis, general secretary of Unison, was so infuriated that he warned of strike action comparable to that of 1926. And that was some strike!

So, there has been panic and consternation at Nos 10 and 11. The Treasury were particularly disturbed by this state of affairs, fearing a further backlash directed at them! A Treasury spokesperson said:
What the chief secretary put forward were not concrete policies. They are proposals that are subject to negotiations. That is why we are still in negotiations ... We are continuing to discuss these issues with the unions.

Arturo and I were forced to stifle our giggles and rushed out into the kitchen! "Do we sense another u-turn, Butch?" Arturo asked me. Of course, there was no need for me to reply!

So it's cheery-bye from me:


And also from Arturo:


Friday 17 June 2011

Every which way @ No 10

Do you know something? I felt rather sorry for Boy David today. Even Arturo felt rather sorry for him too. Why would that be, do I hear you ask? I'll tell you.

Earlier in the week, he was upbraided by the Leader of the Opposition in Commons PMQs, so much so that he didn't know where to turn for help. He's made to look as though he didn't know the answer to Ed Miliband's questions about benefits being paid to cancer patients.

Then, he sees Wailing Lad Clegg's face - not a pretty sight - this time the Lad's not wailing or even looking glum. Oh No! He's wearing an expression of sheer gloating smugness. You see, Wailing Lad Clegg has, for the first time, the appearance of being on the up and up! He's convinced himself and even a few of the LibDems that it was he and he alone who forced the re-think on the NHS. He conveniently forgot about the thousands who signed petitions; the hundreds of doctors who howled at the prospect of reform; the hundreds of nurses who complained. In his eyes, 'It was Clegg what won it!'

Our Boy David managed to bear all this - not with a happy smile, you understand, but with an air of resignation. Then - then came the blows today!

First Alan Milburn, a former Labour Health minister, described the compromise on the NHS reached between Conservatives and Lib Dems as, a 'train crash' that would cost billions. So, no comfort there!

Then - the CBI's deputy director general, Neil Bentley added his two pennyworth. He said :
In most areas, we are seeing public services cling on to existing ways of doing things, with vested interests fighting modernisation at every turn and campaigning against change.

Just this week, we have seen the forces of inertia in the NHS unions triumph on health reform. This is a missed opportunity for the government, and with profound consequences.

He didn't stop there! He said:
The coalition gives the impression of having lost its way, uneasy about reforms and unsure how to present them.

He reckons that the Coalition is running scared of the unions! He went on to reinforce this by saying:
We've heard business secretary Vince Cable say legislation will be considered if strikes happen. But by then it will be too late, and no barn-door-closure strategy will make amends for the horse having long since bolted. I say do it now, before the damage is done.

To crown it all, for our sagging PM, the unions are in fighting mode. June 30 will see teachers and other public sector workers out on strike.

No wonder there are few smile lines on Boy David's face. He'd better get used to it. Remember Tony Blair's mantra: 'Things can only get better'. Well, I suspect Boy David thinks to himself: 'Things will only get worse.'

Arturo and I agree! Of course, for us, it makes life all the more interesting here at No 10.

Thursday 16 June 2011

Getting the facts straight @ No 10

Boy David came back all of a fluster from PMQs yesterday! He had frown lines on his forehead and had lost the carefully cultivated bonhomie that he's spent such a long time perfecting.

It seemed that the man who leads the Opposition, called Miliband - Ed that is not David! - had given our Boy David a very rough ride. There were moments, so I'm told, that Boy David looked as if he really did not know all the facts about his Welfare and Benefits reforms: Were cancer patients going to lose over £90 a week - or were they not? Why were the Tory backbenchers screeching and yelling like backstreet ruffians when cancer patients were mentioned? Why did that Miliband chap keep harrying, all the time?

It must be a recurring nightmare for him! First the forests! Then the schools! Then the NHS! He must be wondering what's going on around him!

Of course, the alternative is that he really does NOT know what the rest of the Coalition is doing! He's been so keen to create the image of the dynamic, caring, compassionate, personable leader that he forgot the word 'intelligent'. In the wild flight of PR (Public Relations) ideas that flooded through our Prime Minister's little mind, the concept of actually checking facts, before giving answers, totally eluded him!

Of course, just between you and me, PR (Public Relations - that is) people never allow a few facts to get in the way of a good story, brash promotion or even answers to questions on live TV before millions of viewers.

I think it's time for Boy David to forget the Stanislavski technique of presentation; put away the mirrors that encourage him to practise his smiles and boyish grins; it's time to become a serious politician - face the facts and tell the truth. It might not get him re-elected. It might displease the rest of the Tory Party - who wouldn't recognise a fact if they saw/heard one - but it might well earn him a smidgen of respect!

Still - what do I know? I'm only an ex-alley cat who now sneaks a bit of the high life now and then!




Tuesday 14 June 2011

No Fairy Godmother @ No 10!!

Today was always going to be a big day @ No 10. Once upon a time, a very long time ago when the land was flowing with milk and honey, a certain silver fox called Andrew Lansley gave many a promise to his Lord and Master, our very own Boy David! He swore that the new Health reforms that he had so studiously perused, for many a long year, would pass muster in the Commons. They would bring wealth and joy to the Tory Party and great fame to Boy David himself!

That was the story, my friends. And if you believe that, you'll believe anything! For Mr Lansley did not know his scalpel from his stethoscope! No indeed! He did not know his private, competitive health service from the much loved NHS! So, instead of bringing joy, fame and wealth to our Boy David and the Party - he sowed disharmony, recrimination, fear and loathing throughout the land! More like a horror story than a jolly fairy tale, I'm sure you would agree.

Today, my friends, the crunch was crunched - the birds came home to roost - the rolling stone ... you get the picture! Today, in the Commons, the results of the 'pause and listen' exercise bore fruit.

And what was the result? A veritable 'dog's breakfast' and a 'dog's dinner' was the outcome. (Notice - cats do not feature in this mess!!)

Commentators have waxed eloquent about it. Here are some of them:

NHS reforms: 'They didn't pause and they didn't listen.' Laura Oliver 'The Guardian'

NHS shakeup review leaves big questions unanswered : 'Critical issues such as how to ensure quality of care and stop private hospitals cherry-picking patients are ignored in the report.' Christina McAnea 'The Guardian'

'David Cameron faces Tory mutiny as gloating Lib Dems claim victory on health reforms'
By James Groves, Political Correspondent of the 'Daily Mail'.

Of course the Tory press have rather different headlines :

'David Cameron has announced significant changes to the Government’s health reforms but insisted he had not made a “humiliating u-turn'. Martin Beckford, Health Correspondent of 'The Daily Telegraph'

But even that headline will not give our Boy David much joy! I feel sorry for him! Wailing Lad Clegg is doing his level best to show he is a 'real force' in the Coalition. He claims that the LibDems have rather 'forced' the near destruction of the NHS planned reforms.

However, as a mere under stairs cat, I have heard that the NHS has been rendered even more on the brink by the proposed changes. Some staff have already lost their jobs. Administrators are not there to 'administrate'. Many hospital departments are in disarray and still the private health clinics and companies are rubbing their hands together in anticipation of the gold to come.

So - all in all - it's a right old mess! No one has won and everyone has lost! That includes many patients who no longer know whether they are coming or going.

So - the little story that began like a magical fairy tale with Lansley as the Fairy Godmother has ended like a Norse Saga with black clouds lowering in the sky and Thor's thunderbolts cascading down on all and sundry!

Luckily, Arturo and I are cats and we still have the Blue Cross, the PDSA and the RSPCA. So, we're okay!



Friday 10 June 2011

Potpourri @ No 10

Well - lots of things to tell you today. First of all though, I must tell you of poor old Larry's humiliation yesterday! Our Boy David - who being an ex-PR man of great distinction, never ever leaves anything to chance. Yesterday, before all the rumpus about the Archbishop broke out, our Boy David had arranged a special photo call. He was to be sitting in a Mini Cooper outside No 10 and about to thank BMW chairman, Norbert Reithofer, for £500 million invested in the Mini factory in Cowley, Oxfordshire. What a great picture! Well worth taking time to comb one's hair, brush one's teeth and rehearse one's smile. He had not, of course reckoned with feline wiles.

No - my friends, not my wiles, not even old Arturo's wiles - but the wiles of the upstairs cat - Larry. There were pictures all over the 'Evening Standard', last night. The pictures were not of a smiling Boy David and a gratified Norbert Reithofer! No indeedy, they were of a disgruntled Larry. There were 4 pics in all! Two of Larry in a policeman's arms looking all limp and languid! One of Larry being put on the door mat. Last and largest of all, there was Larry with a policeman's boot right under his tail!

Even an under stairs cat would feel humiliated by that! I'm not saying the boot touched the butt! But it was embarrassing to say the least! (www.thisislondon.co.uk Puss 'n' boots: 'Downing Street cat feels long leg of the law' by Tom Harper on 9 Jun 2011). The comments made afterwards would have made old Larry blush - if blush he could!

Of course the photographers had lost interest by the time Norbert turned up - so no pics of him and grinning Boy David!

Today, we had some real heroes at No 10. Not the puffed up sort who reckon they've done a day's work by nodding their heads on the benches behind the PM in the Commons. No, these were real heroes. Our Boy David actually did something useful today - with not a u-turn in sight. He held a ‘Downing Street Poppy Party’ to celebrate 90 years of the British Legion. He invited 160 guests, including injured Service personnel, bereaved Armed Forces families and veterans of Afghanistan and previous conflicts.

Arturo and I watched from behind the velour curtains. One lady dropped a piece of bread and butter with some lovely smelling fish on it, within an inch of Arturo's nose. Needless to say - he had it! I managed to grab a piece of chicken that also fell off a plate.

Boy David was on good form - seemed genuinely interested. No sign of the rehearsed smiles and nods. Of course, he may have had those Stanislavski acting lessons, I suggested!

And now, of course, tomorrow is Saturday, so another 'rest cure' couple of days for Boy David to wind down. The traumas of the week have been survived - just! The trials of next week - are yet to come!

Meanwhile, Arturo and I are planning some little outings of our own, this weekend. Tell you more soon. Till then, it's 'See you, later', from me:


And, it's 'See you soon' from Arturo:




Thursday 9 June 2011

The "blood-crazed ferret" comes to the aid of No 10

Damian Thompson, Editor of Telegraph Blogs, has rushed to the aid of the beleaguered few who make up the Coalition and who huddle regularly in No 10 making their plans, on the hoof. The Church Times gave him the moniker of, 'blood-crazed ferret', well before his present comments about Archbishop Rowan Williams.

Yet - true to form - this blooded ferret has rushed to the aid of the bunch who creep round No 10. He declares that:
Rowan Williams returns to Old Labour sloganising as he desperately tries to distract himself from Anglican meltdown
He goes on to accuse the Archbishop of using these 'highly politicised and biased criticisms of the Coalition' to distract people from the troubles within the Church of England.

Is this ferret right? Or has the possibility of killing a rabbit driven him mad? I leave the answer to you, dear blog reader!

However, I need to tell you more about what the Archbishop said in his Leader for the New Statesman. He questions the very idea of the 'civil society organisations', known to us as the big society, so beloved of and totemic for Boy David. The Archbishop is concerned as to how youth services will fare under such a scheme - surely not an unreasonable question? He worries how there will be long term financial security and investment in root issues such as:
child poverty, poor literacy, the deficit in access to educational excellence, sustainable infrastructure in poorer communities (rural as well as urban).

Is this Old Labour sloganising? Is this 'displacement therapy'? I think not! It sounds more like the opinions of a truly compassionate and thoughtful person who cares about the weak, vulnerable and poor who have few, in positions of authority, to speak up for them. Surely, that is the duty of any Christian or person of faith?

Does this 'ferret', Thompson, have any principles other than those of wishing to be praised and paid for a clever turn of phrase? Perhaps he's hoping to become a Tory MP himself! Stranger things have happened. Currying favour with Boy David, Vince Cable, Old Uncle Tom Cobley and all won't do him any harm! He'll be the next ConDem darling!

Shush! I think I can hear the tinkling of champagne glasses! Is that Damian Thompson clinking away with Boy David, Wailing Lad Clegg and Georgy? Can't see too clearly - they've just closed the door. Damn!




Wednesday 8 June 2011

U-turn & turn & turn @ No 10.

Well - it's only Wednesday and the world is spinning! I read somewhere that it's probably because our Boy David, the Prime Minister, had worked in Public Relations - otherwise known as PR, that he finds it so difficult to steer a straight course in guiding the Coalition Government. The reason he turns and turns again.

Apparently, so I've been told, all PR people long to be loved. The first sign of a frown on a client's face sets them into a flat spin! 'Hey! Don't frown!' They say, 'please smile and love me. I only have eyes for you, my client!' So when our PM discovers that the great British public are horrified

1. By the changes to the education system - the PM steps in and asks for a re-think! The people smile!

2. The student fees cause riots in the street - the PM leaps in and says there will be support for the very poorest students. The people smile.

3. When the woodlands and forests are to be sold off - the PM cannot contain his zeal for not selling the woods. The people smile.

4. When old hush-puppy man says that rapists and other criminals who plead they are guilty will have huge reductions to their sentences - the PM loudly decries the very idea. The people smile.

5. Last - but most disturbing of all - the NHS reforms which were heralded as being drawn up by the man with more knowledge about the NHS than any living politician have caused mayhem! So - par for the course, our Boy David, our beloved PM steps up to the challenge and orders - wait for it! He orders a 'pause'! Now that's what I call great leadership! A true man of destiny! A veritable Daniel come to judgement! And with a Chancellor, whose birth name is Gideon, standing beside him, who knows where it will end? And - the people cheer!

But I am a mere under stairs cat - so what do I know? I just pass on the whispers and gossip I hear floating round these corridors of power! The whispers may be true; the gossip mere calumny! I do know that it ain't easy being a PM and it's even worse being a PM of a Coalition. Me - I'm glad my job is just catching rats! Then again, maybe Boy David needs to learn a trick or two from me!

Tuesday 7 June 2011

What to do? What to do @ No 10?

Boy David definitely back in harness again today : up bright and early. I wondered, at first, whether he had woken to listen to the dawn chorus. Arturo and I were also up early, we'd been waiting for some fledglings to make their way to the abundant bird-feeders in the rose garden. We were disappointed, the birds are quite canny - they've eluded us every time!

But back to Boy David! He was not a bird fancier - no, indeed. He was rehearsing in front of a large mirror. He smiled, then smiled in a slightly different way. He tried out various facial expressions - or contortions! Obviously, he was attempting to look both sincere and compassionate! Not easy when you are a Tory, despite what the Republicans say.

He cleared his throat and began speaking. Arturo and I crept closer and listened. Perhaps, he was going to announce something of great importance. Instead, he re-hashed some views about the NHS. Now, I tell you if I've heard one speech about the NHS, I've heard 50!

One minute it's thumbs up for Lansley. The next it's 'well we'll listen to the people'. Then, it's 'we will do everything to protect the NHS.' So! Which is it?

Today, the LibDems and the 'wets' are clapping their hands and clapping our Boy David on the back for being a jolly good chap! But come tomorrow - the right wingers, especially Nick de Bois will be moaning away. Already there are rumours that Nick - of the wood - will not support the new shape of the NHS reforms!

Oh Boy! Is that going to mean another u-turn? Will our PR PM be rehearsing yet another speech, next week. Will Arturo and I be watching another early morning rehearsal, this time without the caring, compassionate look but a look of steel and determination.

I tell you what I have concluded. All politicians need to go to drama school instead of wasting their time at university. They never use what they learned at Oxford but a few lessons in how to dissemble would serve them all in good stead. Maybe a touch of the Stanislavski acting training would have done our Boy David a real treat!



Monday 6 June 2011

Back to the grindstone @ No 10!

Jolly old hols are over for Boy David. He was lucky today though - the heat was taken off him by Vince Cable and Georgy from next door. They deflected attention from his return.

But the fortunes of the two - Vince and Georgy - were very different! Poor old invinceable Vince turned out to be very 'vinceable'. He stepped into a veritable hornet's nest today when he went to address the GMB's conference in Brighton.

Now, we all knew he'd have a rough ride - that's why the Tories gave him the poisoned chalice of a brief namely:'Business Secretary'. The members of the GMB were always suspicious of Tories - quite understandable after Mrs T - they had become even more suspicious of the LibDems, since the Coalition was formed. But the final straw, this morning was when the Business Secretary told them that widespread industrial action taken by union members over proposed Government spending cuts could ratchet up pressure to make it "harder for workers to strike".

Now, the right to strike has always been held by the unions to be an inalienable right and they were not going to have this whipper-snapper of a LibDem minister telling them otherwise. Needless to say, he was booed and heckled. Far from reaching a 'mature' understanding with the union - things became nasty.

You don't walk into a GMB meeting and threaten to take action to stop them from striking and expect to be cheered! And he was not cheered. In fact, Paul Kenny, the general secretary of the GMB, said Vince Cable's threat was an "insult to working people". He went on to say: "We wanted him to come here and talk about jobs ... We've got cuts in every service, tens of thousands of vulnerable people in residential care ripped off by big business. What's his answer? Attack the unions."

The Unite leader, Len McCluskey also made comments about the threats against the unions. he said: "Talking tough about cracking down on working people is a circus engineered by a government that is clueless about the real problems facing this country."

Of course, the real culprit, determined to put the unions in their place is one mop-headed blonde chap, the old Etonian Mayor of London - one Boris Johnson!

So, all this is cooking up to be a real mess for the rest of the people to deal with. As a mere under stairs cat, this won't affect me but I do feel for the rest of you!

Now - as for Georgy from next door. He had a charmed life today. Arturo said he looked like the cat who'd been given the biggest bowl of cream in the world. The IMF think he's doing fine - despite what the 47 economists and academics wrote in their letter to The Observer yesterday! I'm sure it must have been 17! I've never heard of 47 academics and economists agreeing about anything! Still, however many there were, George can say 'Boo and boo again' to the lot of them. 'The IMF think I'm right!' is all he needs to remember.

So you see, my friends, never despair - one day you're down in the pits - the next you're on cloud number 7!

Sunday 5 June 2011

Arturo gossips @ No 10

Arturo came bouncing into No 10, this morning. His whiskers were twitching, as were his ears. So, I knew I was in for some gossip about George from No 11. I wasn't sure if he'd had a 'rest cure' like Boy David. I expect so - he was at that expensive ski resort only a few weeks ago.

Anyway - to cut to the chase - as they say: Arturo said that some of Georgy's advisers were up in arms, next door! It seems he - Georgy that is - has been criticised by several economists! They - the advisers, that is - were scandalised that his ideas and their planning could ever be doubted. It seems that 47 - Yes! 47! Academics and economists had signed a letter to 'The Observer'. Arturo closed his green eyes and quoted the following:
Recent economic figures have shown that the government urgently needs to adopt a Plan B for the economy. As economists and academics, we know the breakneck deficit-reduction plan, based largely on spending cuts, is self-defeating even on its own terms. It will probably not manage to close the deficit in the planned time frame and the government's strategy is likely to result in a lot more pain and a lot less gain.

"Oh my!" I said, "Georgy is not going to like that, is he?"

Arturo shook his head, "That's not all they wrote. They said we needed a 'a green new deal' and to clamp down on tax avoidance and evasion. Almost worst of all - since Georgy is a Tory! They suggested that he should raise 'taxes on those best able to pay.'" Arturo paused and eyed me closely. "What do you think of that, Butch?"

"Wow!" I said. "There'll be trouble in No 11!"

"There's already trouble." Arturo said. "What makes it really bad is that many of those 47 who signed the letter had written a previous letter, last year to 'The Sunday Times'. Then, they supported the Tory policies! So - it's all gone pear-shaped since then! Of course, you know what the Chancellor's spin doctors will say, don't you?" I shook my head. "They'll say most of those who signed come from universities worried about the student fees fiasco and their judgement has been clouded by that."

I pondered on what Arturo had told me. Everything is beginning to fall apart here in Downing Street in both No 11 and No 10! Thinking more about it, I wondered whether someone should send an urgent text message to Boy David and warn him not to come back to work! He'll only need another 'rest cure' by next weekend. So, why not economise and save the fare home!

Arturo has just given me a photo of himself! I'll share it with you.


Debonair chap, isn't he? Who'd have thought such a brilliant ratter could carry so much information in his head as well!

Oh well, I'm off to the kitchen. They had roast chicken today and cook promised me the left-overs plus the cream from the strawberries and cream. Don't eat the strawberries, they get between my teeth!


Saturday 4 June 2011

Warning smoke signals @ No 10!

I'm really beginning to feel sorry for the guy! Boy David, I mean. There he is on one of his 'rest cure' holidays - warm Spanish sun, lovely red Spanish wine, soft sand beneath his feet, blue sky above his head - you get the picture?

So - why should I feel sorry for him, you ask? I haven't ever had a holiday! I'm fed on scraps! I catch rats and no one even says 'thank you'. But - I'm always prepared for the worst, so that when something good comes along - that's a bonus! But Boy David isn't like that. He expects good things in life, after all he is a Tory.

He's been praised by the US press. They call him 'compassionate' and 'caring'. Now that's what most politicians would call an accolade! The Americans love him - Republicans especially! Most Europeans think he's pretty cool too.

But - they say a prophet is never recognised in his own land! And boy, oh boy, have some of the UK columnists not recognised him! And that, my friends, is what awaits our Boy David when he returns to the murky world that is No 10 Downing Street.

In one paper, the brilliant journalist, Polly Toynbee, took apart Tory ideology on financiers making profits out of the most vulnerable. The opening paragraph stated:

David Cameron's regular railing against "excessive regulation and bureaucracy" rings embarrassingly hollow in this week's care homes crisis. So does his promise that "the grip of state control will be released" from "the enemies of enterprise" as he stops the "dead hand of the state getting in the way"

She went on to say:

Cameron's privatising zeal looks even less enticing in the wake of this week's two care home scandals. The "dead hand of the state" looks rather more welcoming than the grasping hand of private equity.

In addition, the Financial Times has just completed some research into the financial problems facing several NHS Trusts. The research will make grim reading for the Prime Minister who is intent on allowing old silver fox Lansley to get his way with the NHS reforms.

On top of all of this, Boy David was hoping to save some dosh by slashing the armed forces' budgets - particularly that of the Reservist groups. Yet now, further research indicates that the UK needs to increase the ratio between numbers of part-time and full-time troops, which currently stands at 15:85. These new figures represent a reversal of the plans drawn up inside the MoD to cut the already diminished number of reservists. The report will go to Boy David before the end of this month. It will not be welcome reading for this cost cutting PM and his Chancellor.

So - all in all - I think our Boss may well need to have another 'rest cure' before very long. In fact, if I were to advise him I'd say: "Wouldn't bother coming home, old chum. Things can and will only get worse!"



Friday 3 June 2011

Clegg in charge @ No 10?

While the Boss is sunning himself in sunny Spain, the people are asking: 'Who's in charge?'.

You may recall, we faced the same issue, not so long ago, when the Boy David took himself off for one of his frequent 'rest cures'. Now, Wailing Lad Clegg has had a really hard time - the times merited the 'wailing' and the 'weeping to music'. But now it's time to set aside such emotion and concentrate on getting the LibDems into 'muscular' control.

Anyway that's what I heard on the grapevine! But have things worked out? Well ... No, they have not.

There was a report  'the respected Constitution Unit' conducted it!   So they must know, mustn't they?  They did endless interviews - with '60 key players in Whitehall'.   So far, I have yet to meet a 'key player'!  But the Constitution Unit claimed to have met 60 of them!

So - after talking to these serious minded chaps and chapesses - what was the result?

1. The key bilateral meeting of the week is between Cameron and Clegg and takes place on Monday morning every week - except when the Boss is away on a 'rest cure', of course!

2. In addition, there are preparatory meetings for the bilateral talks on Thursday or Friday - except when the Boss is away on a 'rest cure'.

3. Excitingly (my words NOT the Constitution Units!) Boy David and Wailing Lad Clegg often talk by phone on Sunday evenings ahead of reaching a decision in the formal bilateral on Monday.   Except when the Boss is away on a 'rest cure'.  I don't think that Boy David has 'roaming' on his mobile!

The report said that the poor old LibDems were 'reeling' from lack of funds given to Opposition Parties!  Perhaps, they should have stayed in Opposition - then they'd have had lots of lovely dosh!

The LibDems have 'spread themselves too thinly', says the report.  And don't we know it!

It seems that the LibDems lack 'special advisers of their own' and 'various ad hoc solutions have been reached'.  We all know what that means, don't we?

The conclusion seems to be that in this bright 'Coalition Government' that we bask in daily, the LibDems and notable poor old Wailing Lad Clegg have drawn the short straw.  Of course, when you're faced with a rowe of Old Etonians grinning at you - it's not surprising, is it?   That would daunt even the fiercest of all.  Someone once said that Waterloo was won on the playing fields of Eton, didn't they?  It seems the LibDems have just met their Waterloo too!

To return to my opening query - who is in charge of the UK?  It's obviously not Clegg and the LibDems - perhaps it's one or more of the 60 key players!

Thursday 2 June 2011

Things still quiet @ No 10

The Boss and family still swanning it in Ibiza. Too hot for the likes of little ol me! I saw a photo of the Boy David on his jolly old Hols in one highly respected broadsheet! The journo was very critical of his appearance. It seems he shouldn't have worn black shoes, nor denim jeans, nor the sort of top he was photographed wearing.

For the first time, I felt rather sorry for him. He may be a very PR sort of a PM but surely they cannot expect him to chose his wardrobe to suit some fashion-biddy! If he wants to look as though he's still roaming the UK countryside in Autumn instead of a hot Ibiza beach in June - that's OK by me!

My problem is that he still thinks he's in a PR office, when he's supposed to be running the country! Now that is what I call worrying not whether he's sartorially challenged!

Just who is running the country when Lord and Master is away? Is it Wailing Lad Clegg? Or is it smarmy Georgy, from next door? Old silver fox Lansley has been beavering away getting timid GPs to say how much they 'love' his reforms. What is it they say? 'While the cat's away ...' And I'm a cat - so I should know!

By next week - when things are back to harum-scarum normal - or for what passes as normality - I guess Lansley will really have the bit between his teeth!

Here's another pic of me - for any fans who might want a more debonair look!