Friday 27 April 2012

'G'day, Baby Cameron' @ No 10

Arturo giggled to himself then said:
"G'day, mi old mate! Let's yabber in Oz talk, shall we?"

"Whatever for?" I asked. "Don't know any Oz talk."

"You'd better get used to it. We've got a spunky sheila coming to live here." He tossed a paper at me.

As usual Arturo is, as they say, ahead of the game! The Guardian had an article about this 'spunky sheila' though that was not what they called her.

There was a headline David and Samantha Cameron should have hired a British nanny: The Camerons' decision to hire an Australian nanny shows contempt for the million unemployed young people in the UK. The article was written by Tanya de Grunwald who wrote:
So the prime minister David Cameron and his wife have hired a 24-year-old woman named Sammi Strange to be their children's nanny. If we believe the various reports in today's papers, it seems she is no Mary Poppins: she has a CV that includes drinking, smoking and shoplifting. She's young, and therefore perhaps this is to be forgiven. What interests me much more is that she is Australian.

The article continued:
If this government had shown that it had a proper, workable plan to for tackling the appalling level of youth unemployment in this country, I wouldn't mind. But the employment minister Chris Grayling expects our own young people to work for nothing for months before they amass enough "experience" to be worthy of a paid job. Those who criticise his work programme we are told, "just don't get it," or we are "job snobs".
Now therein, or thereon, lie the horns of the dilemma for 'Boy David' Cameron. Why on earth didn't he contact a good old fashioned UK Nanny employment agency and get a pure-blooded English rose to 'nanny' in the nursery? One answer might be that various daughters of his erstwhile Eton schoolmates would have felt slighted! Parents would have crowded the famous Downing Street kitchen dinners saying: 'Why didn't you choose, Imelda?', 'What's wrong with Geraldine?', 'We thought you adored Camilla!'

Imagine the uproar! Samantha wouldn't have known where to look! Perish the thought! One has to be careful, doesn't one, not to show favouritism amongst one's pals!

So what would have been the alternative? A sweet, demure rosebud of a girl from glorious Devon murmuring: 'What be the matter with 'ee, ma little darlin'?' Maybe it could have been a sturdy Lancashire Lass, a strong-willed Scouser, a beauty from Birmingham! But then, of course, regional jealousy would have set in. 'There's enough unemployment in Cornwall!'; 'Not enough work in Norfolk!'

Pity poor old 'Bagpuss' Pickles, Secretary of State for Communities and Local Government. How would he have coped with adjudicating the pros and cons amongst a myriad mass of deprived communities in the UK? No doubt he would have selected the girl with the best faggots and chips cooking skills. Not an edifying thought!

The Guardian article continued:
Young British people need proper, paid jobs – not endless schemes, training and low-paid apprenticeships which help fudge the figures so it looks like they're doing better than they actually are. They need actual jobs paying actual money that they can actually live on. Given that this is the case, why on earth couldn't Cameron have found a British nanny to look after his children? Did he try – or has he no faith at all in our nation's own young people being worthy of such a role? His actions set a dangerous example. If it's OK for him to write off British-educated and trained youth, why shouldn't every other employer do the same, as we are frequently told by the likes of the CBI that they do.

Tanya de Grunwald ended by saying:
If this government truly wants to give young people a sense of belonging in Britain, and a "stake in society", it needs to show that it has faith in them. In failing to hire one of the million young unemployed to be his children's nanny, Cameron has shown only contempt.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2012/apr/27/david-samantha-cameron-australian-nanny

Maybe, for once, our PR man of a Prime Minister considered his actions carefully. Isn't his former old pal Murdoch an Aussie? Is this a subtle way of saying; 'Please don't take your vengeance on me, Rupee, I never thought that Leveson bloke would be so thorough! I really, really do love Australians!'

And so, my friends, Arturo and I say:
This new sheila will be fair dinkum!
Meanwhile we're are off to get some grog and have a yarn!

Monday 23 April 2012

Cameron's great escape @ No 10

There was a great sense of anticipation here in No 10, Arturo and I were ensconced next to a DAB radio at 8 am.  We were eagerly awaiting 'Boy David' Cameron's BBC Radio 4 Today programme interview.  We knew John Humphrys, the Welsh Dragon of an interviewer, would tease out  the PM's little foibles.

At least, that was what we expected to hear.  Instead, the PM sounded as if he was positively enjoying himself!  Every swashbuckling stroke was parried with what seemed effortless ease.  Every question received a trite, well-rehearsed response! When he was asked about the difficult month the government has had, our slick PM side-stepped the issue.  He ended by using a well-rehearsed phrase:
"There's also a driving passion and vision to change this country and make it much more on the side of hard working people who do the right thing."
Good sound-bite, eh? Then JH went on to ask about 'aggressive tax avoidance' in the case of a well known businessman.
Prime Minister David Cameron has been pressed on if the decision to employ Sir Philip Green as a government adviser contradicts the government's stance on aggressive tax avoidance. Pressed by John Humphrys on whether Sir Philip's tax strategy - whereby he transferred ownership of his company to his wife, registered in Monaco, to avoid tax - amounted to "morally repugnant" tax avoidance, he refused to comment on an individuals' tax affairs. But he accepted that "that sort of thing" was not acceptable, and that in general it was not sensible to have dealings with people who aggressively avoided tax.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/today/hi/today/newsid_9715000/9715304.stm
Arturo nearly burst a blood vessel at that point! "What about last week's PMQs!" Arturo shouted at me. "Cameron must have talked about Ken Livingstone's tax avoidance every time he opened his mouth!" Arturo was right. How come it's alright to comment on Labour problems to do with tax avoidance but not one of the Tory Pretty-Boys and their spouses?

Chris Bryant on Twitter commented:
So today Cameron won't comment on someone's tax affairs on air. Last Wednesday I recall that's all he wanted to talk about.
Polly Curtis on Twitter said:
Trying to work out which friends Cameron just lost by agreeing not to meet with people who aggressively avoid taxes.
One thing can be said of 'Boy David' Cameron - all the training he received as a PR man has given him the same silver-tongued slickness that was the hallmark of Tony Blair. But look what happened to Blair - remember where his tongue got him? We don't yet know what the ultimate nadir of disgrace will be for the once-adored prince of politics!

Maybe what 'Boy David' Cameron needs to do is to meet a trio of witches on some blasted heath to show him the fate that awaits him if he follows the Blairlike path of disaster! There's an old adage that all politicians who think smooth words will get them places need to repeat to themselves every day. It's
Deeds not words
that count in the end. Words soon fade but the mess that slick PR men get us into with their well-rehearsed speeches is not easily forgiven or forgotten. Arturo and I will be watching Nick Robinson tonight on BBC News at Ten. Before that we're going to scavenge round the kitchen. 'Bye'

Thursday 19 April 2012

Anyone for Prime Minister? @ No 10

"Well, did you hear that?" Arturo asked me.

He was quite excited by the BBC Radio 4 Today programme interview with 'Ridiculous Nicholas' Clegg who was sounding really quite chirpy! But then, Clegg always manages to put on a good show. And, let's be frank, 'putting on a show' is just about all he is good at! Whoever trained him to be a PR man did a fair old job of it. Clegg is able to say 'Yes' when he means 'No' and 'No' when he should say 'Yes'. He manages to do it sounding as if he genuinely believes what he is saying. Indeed, sometimes he seems to have convinced himself that left really is right! It is one of the causes of the mess in which the Liberal Democrat Party now finds itself: the making of unrealistic promises that stand no chance of materialising. In fact, if those promises did materialise, they would cause even more havoc for those concerned.

This gift of Clegg's being able to say one thing, when he really means quite another has extended across his political thinking. He is capable of saying he believes in 'Silly Ass' Lansley's Health and Social Care Act. Yet, most thinking LibDem members are against it. How on earth can he justify that position?

He seems to think the so-called 'reforms' in Welfare will help the country. I've got news for you, Nick, they may help the Treasury but they sure as heck won't help the poor! So what goes on inside the head of 'Ridiculous Nicholas' Clegg, self-styled guru of the 'Universe and Everything'?

One thing is certain - it's that he really admires himself. He still cannot quite believe he is 'DEPUTY' Prime Minister! He must congratulate himself on that achievement every morning when he gazes at himself in his shaving mirror.

Yesterday morning though, on the Today programme on BBC Radio 4, he let slip his one of his ultimate ambitions:
I'd love to be Prime Minister!

So there we have it, 'Boy David' Cameron, your Deputy has set his sights on being Prime Minister! We already know that 'Georgy' Osborne rather fancies your job, as well. No wonder that your anxiety-ridden performance at Prime Ministers' Questions in the House is such a ranting affair? You never answer the questions! You are bright orange in the face! You act like the school-bully to even your own party members! You are a man under siege from all sides.

Both Arturo and I would say certain things to 'Boy David':
Don't worry about 'Ridiculous Nicholas' Clegg - he won't survive the next election.
As for your staunch Chancellor, he's made such a mess of the last Budget - he's unlikely to survive at No 11 much longer either.
You need have no fear of 'Leopard-skin-toes' Teresa May vying for your job - she'll have enough difficulty hanging on to the doorknob of the Home Office, the rate she's going.
'Weasel Man' Maude is slinking close to the ground, to avoid being seen. He made such a fiasco, even for him, of the 'petrol in gerry-cans item' that he's lost all credibility.
'Old Smoothie' Ken Clarke is so laid back that he wouldn't muster the energy to challenge you.
We could go on and on. But - as for you, Prime Minister - what about you? Your backbenchers eye you with ever-increasing loathing and disdain - we don't give much for your chances either. Better enjoy the honeymoon - the marriage is likely to be very brief.

Arturo and I are off for a 'kitchen dinner' with old Larry from upstairs!

'Bye'


Friday 13 April 2012

Phoney-Baloney @ No 10

"Well I never!" Arturo exclaimed, "what's the saying: 'An apple a day keeps the doctor away!' 'Boy David' Cameron sure has taken it to heart. The thing is it's the wrong sort of apple - it's not the Cox's or Pink Lady sort of apple! It's the i-type Apple!"

"What're you on about?" I asked

"The 'Boy' is endeavouring to keep the 'doctor away' by getting someone to develop an Apple App for him!"

"Whatever for? There are already Apps for almost everything. Besides, he's already done for the doctors, hasn't he? No self-regarding doctor will pop his head over the parapet in the near future, for fear of having it chopped off!"

"Ah Ha!" Arturo said gleefully, "Cameron still fears trouble brewing among the doctors! Haven't you heard? Several are spotting constituency seats to aim at for the next Election! But you need to read this." He pointed at one of the laptop screens left conveniently vacant by one of the Interns. "This shows you the phoney-baloney that our Prime Minister believes."

Sure enough, there was a piece in the Guardian by Stefan Stern. The headline was:
An iPad app to track performance? Stick to Angry Birds, Cameron
Stern continued:
Our state-of-the-art prime minister is having an app developed for his iPad that will allow him to track the government's performance under a range of headings and indices. It is even suggested that ministers' performance might be continuously monitored and scored. The Cabinet Office is refusing to reveal more at this stage, saying that it does not wish to provide a "running commentary" – although dribs and drabs about this project have been reported several times over the past few months.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2012/apr/09/david-cameron-app-ipad?INTCMP=SRCH

Can you believe it! An app to track the government's performance under a range of headings and indices. And possibly 'monitor' and score ministers' performance. Talk about the 'Big Society' this really is the 'Big Brother' of 1984 storming up on us!

So - let's get this straight, shall we? 'Boy David' Cameron is going rapidly round the twist! First, he decides it's essential to track emails, skype messages and texts! Now, he's turning the spotlight on his own ministers! The bloke has got a problem and no mistake!

If I were 'Ridiculous Nicholas' Clegg, I'd head for the hills and fast! At this rate, Cameron will have installed bugs and other monitoring devices in every nook and cranny in Clegg's house and office. Dread to think what he's put in place for 'Invinceable' Cable!

Imagine the plight of that larger than life 'Bagpuss' Pickles! Nowhere for him to hide! The man who has the most to fear, apart from Clegg and Cable, must be the master of the malapropism - 'Weasel Man' Maude. Maybe, Cameron will have an app developed that can be located in Maude's gullet, so that every time he opens his mouth - Cameron gets a warning bleep!

What about 'Georgy' Osborne! Would not want to be in his shoes! One of the first modified apps will undoubtedly 'monitor' and score every detail of what goes on in 'Georgy's' life!

It is rumoured by the cognoscenti that the ancient, well-rehearsed feud between the occupants of Nos 10 and 11 Downing Street is rearing its head again. Indeed 'Boy David' Cameron's present obsession with monitoring and scoring the progress - or otherwise - of government has grown exponentially since the Budget.

The Guardian has a piece by Andrew Rawnsley entitled:
Cracks are beginning to open along the Downing Street fault line
They vowed that it would never happen, but the prime minister and the chancellor are increasingly at odds
In this, Rawnsley makes several very interesting observations including:
The Conservatives have plunged in the polls and serious figures in their party are asking themselves whether David Cameron will be a one-term prime minister. His personal ratings have dived heavily into the red. They are now more negative than at any time since he moved into Number 10. The chancellor has been remorselessly battered in the media, his budget has been wildly unpopular with the public and the mistakes made by the man who was supposed to be their premier strategist have given the frights to Conservative MPs.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2012/apr/08/andrew-rawnsley-cameron-osborne-relationship

No wonder the 'Boy' is desperate for THAT app!

Meanwhile, Cameron is charging round the Far East dispensing goodwill to one and all. Pity the app isn't ready in time to monitor and score the impact he's having.

What is a worry though, for Arturo and me, is this: will he get an app to monitor and score the rate at which rats and mice disappear from Downing Street? If so - we are for the chop!

'Bye'



Thursday 5 April 2012

Spivs @ No 10

"I say! I say! I say! When is a 'spiv' not a 'spiv'?" Arturo looked at me in anticipation. "C'mon, give us an answer."

"Why don't you just tell me. You're obviously dying to!" I replied.

"A 'spiv' is not a 'spiv' when he or she is a member of the present Government!" He looked well pleased with himself.

I decided to look up the definition of 'spiv'. It is
a man, typically a flashy dresser, who makes a living by disreputable dealings.
http://oxforddictionaries.com/definition/spiv?q=spiv

As usual, Arturo's right. A great deal of spivery has been going on here at Downing Street, in both Nos 10 and 11. What with high paying Tory donors having their chops and mash at the 'kitchen dinners' - real spivery if ever there was! We also have the unedifying sight of the Chancellor 'Georgy' Osborne doing an impression of Robin Hood in reverse - robbing the poor and giving, in bucketsful, to the rich - being one of the latter himself!

Now we have the third member of the Triumverate - not the PM! Not the Chancellor! But the amazing double-take man 'Nicholas Ridiculous' Clegg himself - give him a big hand, folks! This Wonder Man of a Deputy Prime Minister who flirted ever so publically in the Rose Garden of No 10 with 'Boy David' Cameron is now being referred to as a 'poor bastard' by many an erstwhile admirer. Not so much a 'poor bastard' more a 'failed spiv' would be Arturo's judgement.

'Nicholas Ridiculous' Clegg is a bit of a buffoon - he even has the look of a clown - misery etched all over his face - all he lacks is the clown's make-up. But he has acted out the part of the 'spiv' right before our very eyes.

Before him, as with all spivs, is the prospect of a reward. In his case the 'reward' in question is the 'semblance' of power! There are many who would give their all to be Deputy Prime Minister. Instead, this simpering buffoon of a man has given the 'all' of the British people.

How has he done this? By 'signing off' his agreement to a variety of political measures that have caused distress and disgust, in equal portion! Perhaps, he agreed to them in a moment of madness - without reading the small print. Now that is some hope, I'm sure you will agree! But it is better than the alternative - that he knew - and that despite knowing, things still went ahead with his agreement!

What were the political measures? They were the Welfare reforms, the Health and Social Care Bill - to name but two! They did not just slip by the LibDems, they were endorsed by the majority of the LibDem MPs. Hardly the political measures that those who voted for the LibDems imagined!

Today, however, our buffoon, 'Nicholas Ridiculous' Clegg has seen the danger-lights flashing - even buffoons sometimes come down to earth with a bang! He knows that the impending local elections could spell the beginning of the end - not just to his political career - but more poignantly to the Liberal Democrat party as an entity! So he has pulled his finger out and is making frantic gestures in the vein of 'I'm not drowning, I'm waving' variety (apologies to Stevie Smith!).

What has he said/done? He :
has pledged to be more "forceful and remorseless" in explaining Liberal Democrat achievements in government as he criticised the Tories for adopting a "blunderbuss" approach to legislation.
Now, Nick, that sure is 'telling 'em'!

Clegg was quoted in The Guardian by their Chief Political Correspondent, Nicholas Watt continued:
Clegg used a Guardian interview to declare that the time had arrived to stop apologising for the Lib Dem presence in government as he challenged the Tories over plans to create "secret" courts.

He has also been involved in a furious row with the home secretary, Theresa May, over government proposals to give the security services new access to individuals' internet communications. He said he would like civil liberties groups to challenge the plans when they are published as draft clauses for a new parliamentary bill, after the Lib Dem MP Julian Huppert threatened a rebellion.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/politics/2012/apr/04/nick-clegg-attacks-blunderbuss-tories

He has not managed to pull the wool over the eyes of all those who read the quoted interview. The following are some of the comments made:
shemarch:Have you left it too late, Nick? The LibDems have rolled over for their Tory bosses and the only way they could begin to climb back into credibility would be to leave the Coalition, and precipitate a new election.
bullwick:A bit late now isn't it Cleggy with only three years left before you all go !
lewstone1934:The Health and Social Care Bill
The Welfare Reform Bill.
Both these nasty, devisive bills passed due to your weakness and arrogance.
Too little - Too Late Mate.
DespairingDave:Oh do be quiet Nick. Nobody believes for a minute you will really stand up to the Tories on anything of importance. Just be a good little boy and do what Dave tells you (as usual).
http://www.guardian.co.uk/politics/2012/apr/04/nick-clegg-attacks-blunderbuss-tories
Not much show of either sympathy or support there, Nick!

However, once a 'spiv' always a 'spiv', isn't that what they say? So here we are - a right bunch of geezers, a veritable Spivs United coming in and out of Downing Street. The trouble is these spivs are not just flashing us an eyeful of dodgy watches pinned inside their jackets - no, siree, - they're flashing us an eyeful of 'dirty' self-serving legislation!

Give me a dodgy watch, any day!

Arturo and I are off to find a spiv with some cheap fish! 'Bye'