Phoney-Baloney @ No 10

"Well I never!" Arturo exclaimed, "what's the saying: 'An apple a day keeps the doctor away!' 'Boy David' Cameron sure has taken it to heart. The thing is it's the wrong sort of apple - it's not the Cox's or Pink Lady sort of apple! It's the i-type Apple!"

"What're you on about?" I asked

"The 'Boy' is endeavouring to keep the 'doctor away' by getting someone to develop an Apple App for him!"

"Whatever for? There are already Apps for almost everything. Besides, he's already done for the doctors, hasn't he? No self-regarding doctor will pop his head over the parapet in the near future, for fear of having it chopped off!"

"Ah Ha!" Arturo said gleefully, "Cameron still fears trouble brewing among the doctors! Haven't you heard? Several are spotting constituency seats to aim at for the next Election! But you need to read this." He pointed at one of the laptop screens left conveniently vacant by one of the Interns. "This shows you the phoney-baloney that our Prime Minister believes."

Sure enough, there was a piece in the Guardian by Stefan Stern. The headline was:

An iPad app to track performance? Stick to Angry Birds, Cameron

Stern continued:

Our state-of-the-art prime minister is having an app developed for his iPad that will allow him to track the government's performance under a range of headings and indices. It is even suggested that ministers' performance might be continuously monitored and scored. The Cabinet Office is refusing to reveal more at this stage, saying that it does not wish to provide a "running commentary" – although dribs and drabs about this project have been reported several times over the past few months.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2012/apr/09/david-cameron-app-ipad?INTCMP=SRCH

Can you believe it! An app to track the government's performance under a range of headings and indices. And possibly 'monitor' and score ministers' performance. Talk about the 'Big Society' this really is the 'Big Brother' of 1984 storming up on us!

So - let's get this straight, shall we? 'Boy David' Cameron is going rapidly round the twist! First, he decides it's essential to track emails, skype messages and texts! Now, he's turning the spotlight on his own ministers! The bloke has got a problem and no mistake!

If I were 'Ridiculous Nicholas' Clegg, I'd head for the hills and fast! At this rate, Cameron will have installed bugs and other monitoring devices in every nook and cranny in Clegg's house and office. Dread to think what he's put in place for 'Invinceable' Cable!

Imagine the plight of that larger than life 'Bagpuss' Pickles! Nowhere for him to hide! The man who has the most to fear, apart from Clegg and Cable, must be the master of the malapropism - 'Weasel Man' Maude. Maybe, Cameron will have an app developed that can be located in Maude's gullet, so that every time he opens his mouth - Cameron gets a warning bleep!

What about 'Georgy' Osborne! Would not want to be in his shoes! One of the first modified apps will undoubtedly 'monitor' and score every detail of what goes on in 'Georgy's' life!

It is rumoured by the cognoscenti that the ancient, well-rehearsed feud between the occupants of Nos 10 and 11 Downing Street is rearing its head again. Indeed 'Boy David' Cameron's present obsession with monitoring and scoring the progress - or otherwise - of government has grown exponentially since the Budget.

The Guardian has a piece by Andrew Rawnsley entitled:

Cracks are beginning to open along the Downing Street fault line
They vowed that it would never happen, but the prime minister and the chancellor are increasingly at odds

In this, Rawnsley makes several very interesting observations including:

The Conservatives have plunged in the polls and serious figures in their party are asking themselves whether David Cameron will be a one-term prime minister. His personal ratings have dived heavily into the red. They are now more negative than at any time since he moved into Number 10. The chancellor has been remorselessly battered in the media, his budget has been wildly unpopular with the public and the mistakes made by the man who was supposed to be their premier strategist have given the frights to Conservative MPs.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2012/apr/08/andrew-rawnsley-cameron-osborne-relationship

No wonder the 'Boy' is desperate for THAT app!

Meanwhile, Cameron is charging round the Far East dispensing goodwill to one and all. Pity the app isn't ready in time to monitor and score the impact he's having.

What is a worry though, for Arturo and me, is this: will he get an app to monitor and score the rate at which rats and mice disappear from Downing Street? If so - we are for the chop!

'Bye'