999 ... Which service do you require? @ No 10

All the fun of the fair today! Parliament returns! Whoopee! But hang on ... what's the reason to celebrate?

So many sound bites are emanating from the mouths of the 'babes and sucklings' who are the Coalition government that Arturo and I were quite dizzy. Each was vying with the other to get the best phrase out and hence the best headline in tomorrow's papers. Childish - yes - typical of the PR brigade - yes!

Sadly, as Arturo explained to me, the phrases often hide dire consequences for the humans - particularly those who live in England. The Welsh, the Scots and the Irish seem to have a tad more sense about the really big issues. For instance the NHS!

The House of Commons have been granted a few hours of debate on the 1000+ amendments to the Health and Social Care Bill. Each amendment carries a potential pitfall! But the time limit will prevent detailed questioning of the wily Old Fox, Lansley Secretary of State. 'Boy David' Cameron is a believer in Action Man tactics - he likes the idea of railroading changes through the House! No doubt, in his sleep, he hears the theme tune of Raiders of the Lost Ark and sees himself cracking the bull-whip. It must bring back memories of his Bullingdon Club misspent youth!

So - to go back to the title of this post ... 999 ... Which service do you require? We can already state - that should this notorious Bill get through the House, this week - then England is one stage closer to having one of its three emergency services privatised. The mind boggles at the response to a future 999 call. It could go something like this:

"Emergency ... What service do you require ... Ambulance? Well - we can offer you one that will take you to your nearest private hospital .... Are you covered by insurance ... No? Oh Dear! We have no ambulances available, for the next hour, to take you to your nearest available NHS A & E. All NHS A & E clinics in your area are overloaded. What was that .... You'll get your neighbour to drive you? Wise decision ... Have a good day!"

Of course, this is what Arturo has termed 'the nightmare scenario'. But watch this space!

The other two emergency services: the police and fire brigade - now surely they must be safe. Not so! In March this year - our Hush Puppy Man, Ken Clarke, he of the smooth voice and the whiff of cigars, privatised Birmingham prison. Yes! That's right! Birmingham prison is to be run by private security company G4S from October! No doubt G4S reckon they could do a passable job at running the police service as well - watch this space!

"And what" asked Arturo, "is the main function of a private company? ..." Before I could answer, he replied to his own question. "It is to make a profit! That's its main purpose!"

And thereby lies the rub! If the word 'private' is put before any of the three 'Emergency' services - it surely means profit comes dancing in and service goes cringing out!

Well - at least the Fire service is OK! Is that what you are saying to yourself? Well, well, well! Have I got news for you!

As you can imagine - being a firefighter is not an easy job. It requires training and re-training - to keep up-to-date with the latest techniques. This week, the government announced that it is exploring greater private involvement in the running of the Fire Service College. The London Fire Brigade training contract with the Fire Service College is said to be worth several million pounds a year.

Now - three private companies – Serco, Babcock and Capital Training Solutions – are vying with each other to obtain the contract to provide the training for firefighters. The training programme is complex and the three bidders do not appear to be experts in providing such courses. Nothing daunted - the Coalition government is still continuing with the process and putting a highly positive spin on it.

So there you have it! Dial 999 in a couple of years down the line and you will be met by a catchy jingle inviting you to choose your 'private' provider!

However - my friends - all is not quite lost. Tonight a new Boudicca arose - not on a chariot but on her own two feet! Who is this young fearless Queen of the Iceni? One petite, dark haired, young lady. Arturo and I watched her on the tele - in the Health and Social Care Bill debate tonight. She is Liz Kendall, Shadow Health Minister, Labour MP for Leicester West. Arturo nearly fell off his cushion, jumping up and down with delight, as he listened to her speech. All he could say was: "What a woman! She'll show 'em!"

I must say, I was impressed too. She spoke with flare and passion. Here was no PR speech! Here was evidence of someone who actually believed in what she was saying. Ranged opposite her were the rows of Coalition ministers and MPs - including the old Silver Fox Lansley.

If there are more like Liz Kendall - then perhaps in a couple of years' time, when you dial 999 - you will still hear:

"Emergency .. Which service do you require?"

'Bye' from Arturo

'Bye' from me