e-petitions @ No 10

Wow! I thought when I peered at one of the new intern's computer monitor. She had gone out for a coffee cooler - whatever that is! Her friend was chauntering on about needing a 'latte'. So, while they were out, I nipped onto the desk and peeped at the screen. There in clear script, I read the following:

e-petitions – create and sign petitions online

HM Government's e-petitions site has just been launched. Currently there aren't any e-petitions to search for or sign, however, you can create new ones.

We will begin publishing e-petitions for signing on Thursday 4th August 2011.
What are e-petitions?

e-petitions is an easy way for you to influence government policy in the UK. You can create an e-petition about anything that the government is responsible for and if it gets at least 100,000 signatures, it will be eligible for debate in the House of Commons.

I was gob-smacked! An e-petition sounded good. Then, I realised I didn't know what an e-petition was. So I clicked on 'How e-petitions work'. Whoever designed this page had a five-year-old in mind, not a mature, brilliant feline like me! There were icons of binoculars, electric light bulbs, ticks (not the blood-sucking type - but the tick as opposed to the cross sort). Then there was a pen and a clock - all real sophisticated stuff! Finally, there was the number 100,000. Now, that might be a problem. But I know a cat who has good ideas!

I jumped off the desk and slunk into No 11. Georgy was away and Arturo was scoffing the cream from a doughnut someone had dropped on the floor! he had cream all over his whiskers!

"Do we know 100,000 cats?" I asked Arturo.

"!00,000? Nope! Why?"

"We gotta get 100,000 signatures on an e-petition."

"What you on about, Butch?" I could tell he was getting irritated. Must be the heat.

"I want to send in a petition about the need for public sector workers - that includes you and me - to be treated with respect and rewarded for their loyalty in times of hardship."

"Rewarded! How?" Arturo sat down. The idea of 'rewards' was appealing.

"Well - obviously our human colleagues will want more holidays, better working conditions and - like I said - respect."

"What as in: 'Show some respect, man!'? That sort of 'respect'?"

"Not quite - we're not Ali G, are we? I mean respect in the way you and me don't need to be kicked out of the door, or shooed away; given dainty morsels to eat when we bring in a rat. That sort of respect. The sort of 'respect' that Ollie Letwin knows nothing about!  Remember - Ollie Letwin wants 'discipline and fear' - we could all do with out that!

"Dainty morsels, eh? Well, I could live with that! Could Mark Serwotka live with it? I doubt it! Remember, we're only branch members, Butch. Still ... I like the idea."

"Right then. I'll write out a petition, then we contact High-Tail Tom - he's got contacts with Battersea, the Blue Cross, the RSPCA. By the end of September - we'll have more than 100,000 signatures. Wait and see. Mark Serwotka - take a leaf outta your old pals, Butch and Arturo's book. The name of the game is e-petitions. If you can't beat Ollie Letwin's crazy ideas - get some of your own. That's my motto."

So, my friends, why don't you get up your own e-petition. Just think of the causes ... they're legion. And I'm only just beginning.

As they say: Watch this space!

'Bye' from us both:

Discipline and Fear @ No 10

"Arturo," I said, "how would you feel if one of Georgy's acolytes beat you every day that you failed to catch a rat?"

"How would I feel? How do you think I'd feel - I ..." I didn't let him finish.

"How would you feel, if every time, the said acolyte saw a mouse, he snapped a peg on your tail?"

"How would I what?" The fur on his back stood up on end, when I mentioned the peg. He was beginning to arch his back, in a rather menacing way.

"How would you feel if ..."

"Hey! What's with all these, 'how would you feel', stupid questions? You're a cat! You know how it would feel. Blo*** awful! So what gives?"

"Well, there's a rather supercilious bloke who is the policy chief on public sector reforms - named Letwin - Oliver Letwin."

"Never heard of him!"

"Oh, you will! You certainly will. After all, you and I are, in our own way, public sector workers, aren't we? We are the rodent-ridding arm of the civil service, aren't we?"

Arturo pondered this for a minute or so, then nodded sagely. "I suppose we are! I'd never thought of it that way but yes, you're right. We're the feline version of Rentokil - more eco-friendly since we don't use chemicals!"

"Well - be prepared to be afraid, Arturo - very afraid!"

"Oh, we're not back to that again, are we? What are you on about?!"

"Mr Letwin - Oliver that is - he's announced that, and I quote: "some real discipline and some fear" is needed by public sector workers, if they are to do their jobs properly. He went on to say:

You can't have room for innovation and the pressure for excellence without having some real discipline and some fear on the part of the providers that things may go wrong if they don't live up to the aims that society as a whole is demanding of them.

So what do you think of that?"

"Real discipline and fear! Who does this twerp, Letwin, think he is? Is he into black leather as well? Sounds like a weirdo to me!"

Come to think of it, Arturo is right. What sort of a person advocates fear and discipline to keep people working - when their pay is already frozen; their pensions have been cut; they have to work longer to get less. Add in a bit of fear and discipline and you have the ideal recipe for a strike. That's what you have!

And I am right, because I found out that Mark Serwotka, general secretary of the Public and Commercial Services Union (PCSU), reacted angrily to Letwin's comments. He said:

Public sector workers are already working in fear – fear of cuts to their job, pension, living standards and of privatisation. Far from improving productivity, the cuts are creating chaos in vital public services.

Then, I heard that lovely lady, the epitome of a smooth pussycat, Harriet Harman, say that she did not recognise Letwin's portrayal of the public sector. She said

the idea that the way to improve public services is to put fear into those who provide them is absolutely grotesque.

So, I'm right! Letwin - Oliver that is - must be out of his tiny mind! What's more Boy David must be losing his judgement too. How could he give jobs to blokes like this Letwin, Lansley, Duncan Smith, Alexander, Gove ... I could go on and on. If they're the gentle face of Conservatism, I'd hate to meet the nasty side!

The Cabinet Office noted the uproar that followed this announcement. As usual, they rushed in to issue a statement to calm the nerves of the sensitive. It said:

It is widely acknowledged that there is a problem with productivity in public services. The government's policy is to improve it and provide the best value for the taxpayer.

All I can say is: 'best value for the taxpayer!', rubbish! rubbish!

As fully paid up members of the feline pest-destroyers branch of the public sector workers union, Arturo and I have called a meeting with all the other cats in Downing Street and in Whitehall.

If we go on strike, Ollie Letwin, it's the politicians like you who'll feel the fear of an encroaching army of large rodents gnawing their way into the Cabinet Office! So there! You know what you can do with your 'fear and discipline', don't you?

'Bye' from Arturo and me.

Nudge, nudge ... shove, shove @ No 10

I tripped over a book lying on the floor of the Cabinet Office. It was Nudge: Improving Decisions about Health, Wealth and Happiness by Richard Thaler and Cass Sunstein. Now, I'd seen this Richard Thaler chap prancing around Boy David's office some time ago. Didn't think much of it at the time - then Arturo and I heard that a 'nudge unit' had been set up. I wondered if this accounted for the plethora of 'nudge, nudge, wink wink' jokes that came non-stop from the bevy of young researchers.

Anyway - it seems this 'nudge unit' is correctly called the 'behavioural insight team'. And what is that when it's at home - do I hear you ask? Simple - it's a unit to apply the theory set out in the book. Namely, that people's habits can be changed without government regulation; that in place of legislation, or the 'shove' factor, people can be nudged in the direction they should go. The unit was tasked with 'finding intelligent ways to encourage people to make better choices for themselves'.

The 'nudge unit' has concentrated on certain areas:
1. To improve organ donations
2. To stop people smoking
3. To promoting greener cars
4. To encourage food hygiene
5. To encourage people to give to charity.

Great ideas - give Boy David a round of applause! This is your Big Society in action - no coercion just gentle 'nudges'. Terrific way to run a country, you must agree.

So that's why this Thaler bloke was talking to Boy David so much and why Boy David was wreathed in smiles, when he left! This would be government without force. A truly stupendous achievement - if it worked. The Devil is in the detail, my friends, and the detail in question is the little word 'IF'.

Into the fray, eager to adopt the 'nudge' approach is our old friend, the Silver Fox, none other than Mr Lansley. He declared:

It is time for politicians to stop telling people to make health choices, time for them to start helping them to do it. We are not nannying, but nudging.

What a punchline: 'not nannying but nudging' - that is what I call 'wicked, man!' The fact he's decided to privatise the NHS ain't no nudge - it's a blooming great shove, if you ask me.

However, to get back to the thrust of my argument. Did this Government nudge policy actually work? Have people stopped drinking, smoking, eating chips, driving too often and too fast? Errr .... Umm.... Well, no actually.

People only stopped smoking on stations, in pubs and restaurants when it became illegal to do so. In other words when they had a good kick up the backside!

Have people stopped drinking, getting pi**** out of their minds on a Friday and Saturday night - No. They'll only do that when the drinks become so expensive that they can only afford one drink all evening. This is despite all the 'nudge' warnings about the dangers of alcohol.

Are people getting slimmer and fitter by the day? No, they are not! All the little green, red and orange traffic-lights labels and percentages on the packaging are blissfully ignored because of the counter-nudges from the TV adverts to 'eat the creamy chocolate', 'enjoy the taste of the sizzling sausages/burgers/bacon'.

Are we all using the train and bus more and giving up our cars? No, we most assuredly are not! The streets are still clogged up. The air pollution is getting worse.

I could go on - but Arturo says I'm getting boring! So, I'll leave the last words to Baroness Neuberger, who was asked to head the House of Lords inquiry into behavioural change. She said in a recent interview :

Basically you need more than just nudge. Behavioural change interventions appear to work best when they're part of a package of regulation and fiscal measures.

There are others, however, who think that 'nudge, nudge' has not gone far enough. One Daniel Finkelstein, who I have yet to meet, though Arturo tells me he's always gabbling away on the TV, says of the letters that went out about late payment of taxes:

It turned out that telling debtors that they were unusual — others in their town paid on time — significantly increased payment. Indeed the team believes that they will be able to use this to save £7.75 million in administrative costs and increase tax revenue cash flow by as much as £280 million.

So there! That's telling you, isn't it? Personally, I think they paid up because they knew there would be socking great interest charges to pay, if they waited too long!

So - me I'm all for the 'Beat them till they cry for mercy' brigade. Make laws, don't cajole by sweet nothings! Call it what you will, a nudge, a cajole will only get you somewhere if the person being enticed would have gone there in the first place.

My advice to Boy David is to stop being Mr Nice-Smiling Guy and grow up - act like a man - a Prime Minister - and make proper laws. Stop wasting money on this behavioural insight team - you know you can't afford it - neither can the country! But, I forget - Boy David is still a Public Relations man at heart. And what do PR men do? They write adverts. So what can I expect from Boy David!!

'Bye' from me, I'm off to nudge one of the pretty secretaries to give me a bit of the cream from her plate of strawberries!

Anchors Away @ No 10

Jolly old summer hols are fast approaching. Boy David and family are off to Tuscany. They've been told that some of the 'Blair Magic' might rub off on them. You see, I heard that Cherie and Tony often went to Tuscany - it enabled them to be close to Tony's pal, Silvio Berlusconi, otherwise known as Il Cavaliere. I think others might chose other nicknames for him - but I won't venture into that territory!

Perhaps, Boy David craves the same experience that Tony Blair had when he visited Il Cavaliere's holiday villa in Sardinia. Then, the sky was lit up with fireworks spelling out the legend 'Viva Tony!'. Just imagine the sky lit up with blue rockets proclaiming 'Viva Dave!'

Maybe, Boy David will go for a sightseeing trip to the other destination of the golden Blair couple - the Tuscany villa of Prince Guicciardini Strozzi. I hear it's quite splendid. Then again, Boy David does have a yen for the beach with his wife and children. There's nothing like digging a few sandcastles to keep you out of mischief. Surely, with all the entertainment received at the hands of the Murdoch clan, over the last few months, Boy David will have a strong desire to keep out of the limelight! I doubt if he'll even accept an ice-cream from an admirer - it might be a reporter from The Sun.

The same cautious approach will undoubtedly be the case for Georgy from No 11. If he sees a Russian oligarch sailing passed in a gleaming white yacht, he will cover his face with a towel or scamper across the sands in the opposite direction. Why? Well, you do have a short memory! It seems like only yesterday - in fact it was 2009 - that Georgy tried to cosy up to a Russian multi-multi billionaire, after being introduced to said oligarch by his pal, Nathaniel Rothschild. Of course, as things will, don't you know - those awful press-wallahs got hold of the wrong end of the stick and accused Georgy of all sorts of goings-on that were totally and irrefutably denied. Still - he can't afford to make the same mistake twice - not after all those lovely lunches with News International! Better to pay for one's own meal - however frugal - than have a great nosh paid for by a dodgy customer.

So - my friends, though the jolly old hols beckon - the allure of sun, sand and sea are waiting - for the unwary politician - the pitfalls must be spotted and not jumped into! We know that Boy David and Georgy have 20/20 hindsight! Haven't they both told us so, many times this week! Let's hope they - or those who are paid to watch over them - develop 20/20 foresight. If they don't - we're in for lots of lovely, juicy gossip. And - Arturo and I just adore gossip!

'Bye'

It's POSITIVE, I tell you! @ No 10

Actually the, 'It's positive, I tell you', comments were coming loudly from No 11: so loudly, in fact, that No 10 reverberated. I just couldn't resisit the urge, so I slunk along the upstairs corridor and through the linking passage that leads directly into No 11.

What a sight there was when I eventually got downstairs. All the flunkies were running round in hectic circles muttering: 'It's positive! The figures are positive!'

Some were talking to their mobile phones; others were on Skype; yet others on the good old-fashioned landline. However, they all sang from the same hymn-sheet (pardon me Archbishop!). The message was loud and clear. The GDP figures are POSITIVE! 0.2% is POSITIVE!

Now, I'm no statistician! I'm no economist! However, the figure 0.2% does not strike me as being 'POSITIVE' in any meaningful way. Of course, there were reasons it wasn't 0.3%. What were those reasons? You may well ask! I'll tell you why the figure is only 0.2% - hold your hat on! It's because of the Royal Wedding and the hot weather! Yes, you read that quite correctly, my friends. However, I'll just repeat it for you. The reason we did not achieve a higher rate of growth was because of 1. The Royal Wedding and 2. The hot weather. So there, you have it!

Problem 1. The subjects of Her Majesty were so gob-smacked by HRH Kate and Prince William that they stopped working and production fell drastically! The British were so drunk from toasting the Royal couple that they could not venture out into the High Street and purchase their fags and pie and mash : so retailers' tills didn't fill up! The UK workers had the day off and then needed another day off to recover from the excitement!

Problem 2. The temperatures were so hot in the Spring that the British subjects could not face going to work! The sun shone on the railways in such a way that the trains did not run on time! The air-conditioners failed to keep offices and factories sufficiently cool for people to stay awake and produce reports or goods!

Well, if you believe that - you'll believe anything! But Osborne's flunkies, bless their little cotton socks, are so hypnotised by Georgy that they do repeat with absolute conviction that the 'figures are POSITIVE'.

I'm now going for a bicycle ride with Arturo to have lunch with Her Majesty in Windsor - surely, you believe me!

Happiness, happiness! @ No 10

Arturo has his morning nap rudely interrupted in No 11. Georgy was in a foul mood over the latest figures published about the economy. Nothing new there! So, being a cat of impeccable taste, he sauntered over to seek out my company. I was delighted. I'd seen a copy of Boy David's much vaunted Wellbeing Index otherwise known as the Happiness Survey. So, I thought I'd try out some questions on my friend, Arturo.

"Hi, Arturo, like to share my saucer of milk?"

Arturo looked puzzled: "Why? What do you want?"

"Nothing except your wellbeing."

"My what?"

"Your wellbeing."

"What is my wellbeing? Never heard of it! What are you up to?"

So I told him about Boy David's great desire to know about the general wellbeing of the nation. How he seemed to think that it was important for his and the country's future to get the balance of life just right. How the Office of National Statistics had devised a clever plan whereby they would be able to judge the finer points of happiness.

Arturo was amused. "Okay, buddy. Fire away - ask me the questions."

"Right - now I don't guarantee that I've got everything just perfect - but here's the gist. Are you comfortable?"

"Oh - get on with it."

"Right - What things in life matter to you? What is well-being?"

"I thought you were telling me!"

"No - you tell me the answers, you fool! What matters to you: Health?

"Well, of course it does! That's a stupid question. Next!"

"Are good connections with friends and family important to you?"

"Well, I'm here talking to you - so the answer's obvious, isn't it?"

"What about good connections with a spouse or partner?"

"Not fussed. Had too many spouses, in the past and don't fancy a new-fangled partner!"

"Are job satisfaction and economic security important for your wellbeing?"

"You mean do I want a warm room, good food and drink and the likelihood of it lasting? Of course! What fool wouldn't!"

"Are you concerned about the present and future conditions of the environment?"

Arturo peered at me closely. "What environment?"

"I dunno ... I suppose it means the world we live in."

"These are plum stupid questions, Butch. Who's going to say they want to be ill, lonely, homeless, starving and in a rat-hole? No-one, that's who! Do you mean to tell me, that good money was spent asking these questions; getting some academic statistician to draw graphs and charts; then getting a sociologist to make profound comments based on these questions!"

I could not answer Arturo's question directly. "I don't think it was quite a straightforward as that." I said, "I think lots of other questions were asked. After all, over 200,000 people responded."

"Really! Nothing better to do - like making friends, talking to children, cooking?"

"You're just being cynical! Listen to what the ONS said about the survey:

(it) highlighted that the things that matter the most are our health, relationships, work and the environment. These are also themes that the majority of respondents agree should be reflected in a measure of national wellbeing, with the addition of education and training.

You know that geezer who walks round here, the one they call G O D, Sir Gus O'Donnell, the cabinet secretary, well he's going to use the results to draw up revisions to the civil service 'green book'."

"Important, is it?" Arturo asked, obviously bored.

"Yes it will guide how ministers direct public funds in future. He says he wants a "social cost/benefit analysis" so they can get the right policies."

"Do you know what, Butch mi old mate, I think some of these humans have got too much time on their hands. I thought the country was in financial straits! If they can spend good dosh on this tosh - well ... I ask you! You and I could have given them all the answers - even before they asked the questions."

With that, Arturo curled up on my cushion and went to sleep! Somehow, I don't think he quite grasped the point ... or maybe he had.


Bye from us both:

Bagpuss Pickles @ No 10

A rather large man sauntered into No 10, at the end of last week. Arturo only just managed to get out of the way. He was in grave danger of being totally flattened.

"Who was that?" He gasped, when he reached the safety of the velvet curtain.

"That," I said smugly, since Arturo always seems to know everything and everyone, "that is the Communities Secretary, one Mr Eric Pickles."

"Blimey! I thought it was a giant Bagpuss! You remember Bagpuss, that saggy old stuffed cloth cat on TV? Anyway - never mind what he looks like - what's he doing here? He has a furtive look in those small button eyes."

"I heard he's discovered that local authorities own around £250billion-worth of property in land in Britain. He says this costs more than £100billion to maintain, every year. Because he's a Tory - and you know what Tories are like - he's determined to squeeze every last drop of money out of the people. One way he hopes to do it is to get the local authorities to make surplus land available for retail companies and property developers to buy. If they don't sell these assets - then the local authorities have got to make money out of them! Just imagine it - supermarkets covering every available bit of land! Trees cut down, ponds drained. No more wild places!"

Arturo thought about this for some time. "So, does that mean they'll sell off the local parks or charge an entrance fee, if you want to go there for a walk? Will they insist that Mums pay to let their kids use swings and slides in the playgrounds? Will charities that rent space from local councils have to pay a good deal more?"

To each of these questions, I nodded for an answer. Arturo looked very upset.
"That's diabolical!" He said, hissing his feelings. "As if it's not bad enough that the councils are cutting back on housing benefits - now they're going to take away any small pleasures that people can get! You say his name is 'Pickles' - how apt! Perhaps, someone will pickle him! Then, we could charge money for people to go and see Pickled Pickles! That would help the councils save money - in more ways than one!"

"If Bagpuss Pickles finds out what you think - he'll charge you for every rat you catch - claiming you caught it on public property!"

At that moment, the floor shook. Was it thunder? No! Was it an earthquake? No. It was Bagpuss Pickles making his way to the front door!

"There goes the Communities Secretary," I said. "the man who together with Boy David is going to ruin our green and pleasant land!"

'Bye' from Arturo

'Bye' from me

20/20 hindsight @ No 10

Never considered for a moment that Boy David needed reading glasses. But his comment :

With 20/20 hindsight and all that has followed I would not have offered him [Coulson] the job and I expect that he wouldn't have taken it. But you don't make decisions in hindsight, you make them in the present. You live and you learn and believe you me, I have learned.

It made me wonder a bit. Suppose, just suppose, you could buy a pair of spectacles which really did give you 20/20 hindsight and another that gave you 20/20 foresight! With the hindsight specs you'd see all the mistakes you'd made, but would you be able to avoid the consequences: a veritable Chinese puzzle!

If Boy David really was able to have real 20/20 hindsight - just imagine what he'd have seen:

The Big Mistakes Coming His Way:

1. NHS Reforms which in July 2010 were a priority had by June 2011 become a pause!

2. Immigration cuts required in April 2010 : The Tory election manifesto said "immigration is too high" and they promised to reduce net migration to "tens of thousands" a year. But by April 2011 this had merely become an 'ambition'.

3. Selling off the forests: This was announced in January 2011. But had been shelved by February 2011!

4. Automatic Jail Sentences For Knife Carriers: By December 2010 only 'serious' crimes will merit a jail sentence. Now, in July 2011 2 Tory MPs are demanding that there should be custodial sentences for 15 year-olds who are carrying knives. A u-turn and a double-salko!

5. Housing Benefit Cuts were announced in June 2010. Housing benefit reform was in "dire need of reform". By February 2011 many of these cuts were dropped

6. Cutting Free Debt Advice: announced in January 2010. By February 2011, Business Secretary Vince Cable said: "It's vitally important everyone has access to free debt advice". The budget was reinstated.

7. Following in the steps of 'Thatcher, Thatcher, the milk snatcher' in August 2010, it was announced that school milk provision for the under-5s was 'too expensive' and would be stopped. But almost as soon as the words were out - David Cameron cancelled the policy. A dizzy-making turn!

8. Axing Free Books For young children: announced in December 2010. This meant Booktrust would go and poor families would not get the books provided under Labour. A matter of days later, it was announced that: "We will continue to fund Booktrust in the future."

9. The appointment of Andy Coulson ..... need one say more!

After looking at the list, Arturo and I scratched our heads! Wouldn't it be dreadful if you really could see with 20/20 hindsight - see all the stupid things you were going to say - view the reactions of others - watch in horror as you were forced into appearing to be a real clot!

So, over the very long Parliamentary summer recess, will Boy David look into the crystal ball of destiny and cross the Gypsy's palm with silver and come up with the ideal programme for the new session in the Autumn? A programme that will be u-turn free. A programme that does just what it says on the label. Somehow, I don't think he'll find that Gypsy Rose who has 20/20 foresight and will save him from himself and his Cabinet pals.

In fact, all he really needs to do is to stock his Cabinet with people possessing a mere spark of intelligence and a bucket-load of integrity - but surely - that's too much to hope for from this Coalition!

'Bye' from Arturo:

And 'Bye' from me:

Mesmer Eyes causes grief @ No 10

Boy David was shattered when he eventually got home, last night. Hours of questions in the Commons; plenty of questions from the 1922 Group - not about phone hacking or connected affairs. Still it was all very wearing for our Boy. So the last thing he needed was to be handed a copy of a newspaper with an article by the one Arturo and I call Mesmer Eyes - Ed Balls.

The article chided Boy David and Georgy, from No 11, for having taken their attention away from the really important news of the minute. Well, knowing Mr Balls - you can make an educated guess as to what that might be. Yes! You've got it: The European debt crisis.

Boy David grabbed his mobile and yelled for Georgy to come over from No 11 and read it with him. Georgy was not best pleased, he was exhausted too, he said. Why, I'm not sure. All Georgy ever does is lounge on the leather seat, in the Commons, beside Boy David and try to look as if he is halfway intelligent. Now, I admit this is a difficult task for him and it must be rather taxing!! (Get it?) He does manage the occasional nod and smirk and a further nod - but that's about all. So, his feeble excuse of tiredness cut no ice with Boy David who had sweated his way through the long day so much so that even the golden tan was wearing thin.

"Look at this!" Boy David waved the newspaper in front of Georgy's nose. "See what that Balls chap has written! He says that you have shown a 'failure of leadership'. Of course, he gets at me too."

Georgy grabbed the paper, sat down and began reading. He shook his head, then he read aloud:

At a time when leadership is needed, the UK government should be in Brussels leading the way. I think people will look back at the last few weeks and ask why, when we faced a potential American [debt] crisis and a developing European crisis together with deepening problems in the UK around growth, what happened to UK leadership in this period? Where was the prime minister and chancellor, why weren't they setting the agenda?

Can't say I like his style of writing. Very poor use of vocabulary and the grammar isn't all it might be. You can tell he wasn't one of us. However, it's all a bit steep, isn't it?"

"A bit steep! A bit steep! It's more than a bit steep! It's a downright cheek. He says we've been distracted by the phone hacking scandal. I'd like to know what he'd have done in my place! He say's you and I need to 'firefight' to save our reputations!. Bl**** cheek! What would he know about reputations, he's never done anything to get one!"

"Calm down, D ..." Georgy began.

"Don't you dare, George! Just don't you dare to tell me to calm down, dear! I won't be ..."

"Now, would I say that?" Georgy asked. "I suppose old Balls has a point. The thing is, he doesn't seem to understand we're not in the eurozone."

"You're damn lucky, George, with the spokesmen you managed to get. If you read further, you'll see your spokesman says that "This is desperate stuff from Balls. George speaks to European finance ministers constantly." Boy David's eyes narrowed and he peered closely at Georgy. "Come to think of it, George, how come you end up with reliable spokesmen who defend you to the hilt. Whilst I ended up with that chap you recommended - remember him - Andy Coulson. Now, if I was paranoid ..."

Arturo and I didn't wait to hear the end of the conversation. We could tell where it was going. Still, it is surprising that neither Georgy nor Boy David went to Brussels, isn't it? Maybe, Mesmer Eye's article will make them think twice.

'Bye' from me:

No more tan, please, we're British @ No 10

Boy David arrived home yesterday looking pale and wan. To be fair, he'd had a long flight from Nigeria, so it was to be expected. However, it's amazing what a good night's sleep can do for you! This morning, looking tense, not chirpy; looking irritated not happy - he was, however, covered from neck to brow in a pale orange glow! It was a glow that lasted through the gruelling time in the Commons; a glow that lasted during lunch; a glow that was still there this evening. Now - whether this glow has been induced by a sun-lamp or fake spray tan - I cannot say! But, I observed his hands are just as pale as Georgy Osborne's from No 11.

The glow seems very popular amongst the male of the species who are on show - either on TV or somewhere else in the public eye. Indeed, one TV antiques expert is almost the colour of an over-ripe orange! Arturo and I trust that Boy David will have the sense to stop before he becomes the tone of a Mandarin (fruit that is - not Chinese aristocrat!).

Boy David did, of course, need all the morale boosting effects that he could muster. So many questions were being fired at him! He could not appear too pale and frail, could he now?

So - into the fray went our dogged tanned hero. However, he was faced by pale Miliband - Ed, that is, not David - who was primed and ready in the red corner. And he came out fighting. Boy David in the rather insipid blue corner ducked and dodged but several verbose punches landed on him. The knockout came from his very own left fist! Boy David declared to the question about his meetings with anyone from News International and possible discussions about BSkyB:

I have never had one inappropriate conversation.

Now, I ask you - was that a sensible thing to say? For one man's 'inappropriate' is another man's faux-pas/indiscretion/Machiavellian conspiracy/disaster! And from the reaction of the Commons, one could tell his choice of words had also been singly 'inappropriate'.

Put it down to jet-lag. That's what Arturo said rather benevolently! I was not so sure myself. Some newspapers are still full of questions that they want Boy David to answer. Why did he appoint Coulson? Who advised him? (Well we know the answer to that, don't we, my friends?) Did he know that Wallis was also working for the Tory Party? If he didn't know, why didn't he know? And so the questions go on and on and on ... you get the gist, I trust.

It was once said by an ancient philosopher that 'a fool can ask more questions in a day than a wise man can answer in a lifetime?' But maybe it is a foolish man who fails to answer once with 'transparency' when wise men keep asking! Wow! An aphorism, a veritable aphorism - maybe some of the tan from the Mandarin has rubbed off onto my fur!

The story has not ended. Parliament may now be in recess but the questions will go on being asked. Arturo and I will still be keeping our eyes and ears wide open and will report to you.

So it's 'bye' for now from Arturo:

And it's 'bye' for now from me:

Georgy horrified @ No 11

This is a note from me - Arturo - while Butch is off rat hunting!

I've just heard Georgy is really annoyed. He's kept well away from all these scandals! He really does not like to be in the limelight, you see. He's more of a man who works from the shadows. So the news that Ms Brooks told the Committee that it was 'George Osborne' and not anyone from News International who recommended Andy Coulson to work at No 10 is not what he wanted to hear!

So - I wonder where he will be in the Commons tomorrow. Perhaps, he'll sit up straight - for once - and try to look as if he really is interested in what's going on!

We'll let you know.

Bye from Arturo

More than custard pies @ No 10

Arturo was fidgeting throughout the Select Committee sessions today. He kept whispering in my ear:
"I say, I say .. when is a Prime Minister NOT a Prime Minister?"

To humour him, I gave the usual, expected response: "I don't know. When is a Prime Minister NOT a Prime Minister?"

"When it's David Cameron!" At that, Arturo nearly choked himself laughing!

Actually though, the joke was not that far from the attitude of several of the people around us. They nearly jumped out of their seats, when it was discovered that the one called 'The Wolfman', namely one Neil Wallis, had been advising Andy Coulson about Conservative policy just before the General Election! This neil Wallis's name came up time and again in the morning session with Sir Paul Stephenson and Yates of the Yard.

The Tories were quick to respond - well they would be, wouldn't they? Someone said, on the Tories' behalf:

It has been drawn to our attention that [Wallis] may have provided Andy Coulson with some informal advice on a voluntary basis before the election. We are currently finding out the exact nature of any advice.

We can confirm that apart from Andy Coulson, neither David Cameron nor any senior member of the campaign team were aware of this until this week.

So - this phone hacking scandal is sending out ripples throughout the country! First News of the World, then News International, then the Metropolitan police, then ... reaching Downing Street! Where will it end?

Anyway - more to the point - the first Select Committee session with the senior police officers revealed little that we had not already heard before - except from John Yates. He revealed that he had asked a 'senior official' at No 10 whether he should inform David Cameron (our Boy David) about the phone hacking stories that were breaking. This was in September 2010. The answer was:

On the other matters that have caught your attention this week, assuming we are thinking of the same thing, I am sure you will understand that we will want to be able to be entirely clear, for your sake and ours, that we have not been in contact with you about this subject.

So I don't think it would really be appropriate for the PM, or anyone else at No 10, to discuss this issue with you, and would be grateful if it were not raised please.

So - that's telling him! No wonder Yates of the Yard is rather fed-up (to put it politely) by the fact he has now had to resign!

Then - we had the afternoon sessions with Rupert and James Murdoch followed by the Red-Haired Vamp, Rebekah Brooks, - who looked less like a vamp and more like a lost child - great acting that!

As for the Murdochs - they saw nothing and heard nothing and could therefore say nothing except, that is, 'sorry'. Rupert had the most 'humble' day of his life. James apologised so many times, Arturo and I lost count.

Apart from Tom Watson - the MPs made little impact. Maybe, they were taken in by the apparent frailty of Rupert and the apparent spirited defence by James. I say 'apparent' because Arturo reckoned that he saw a regular gleam in Rupert's eye - when he thought no one was observing him. And, remember James had been coached for days by top PR men and lawyers!

Then! The entrance of the Fool - to throw a shaving foam pie at Rupert Murdoch only to be flattened by the terrific punch from the arm of Wendy Murdoch! Drame became farce became burlesque! Instead of heightening the situation - the tension of the questioning was removed! Everyone gasped in sympathy for Rupert Murdoch and his heroic wife!

The resumed session lost the plot - quite literally. It was a gift for the Murdochs and even for Rebekah Brooks! The British love nothing better than an underdog and by this stupid thoughtless attack - at one stroke - the Murdochs had become victims.

Arturo and I trudged back down Whitehall. We'd had one day of excitement - another one to come tomorrow - when our Boy David faces the Commons. What did he know? When did he know it? Who did he know? And when did he know them?

Arturo slunk back to No 11 for his dinner. Me - I'm going rat hunting tonight!

Bye

Will someone fly to the rescue @ No 10?

Boy David flew off to Africa! He hoped that while he was on the magic carpet some genie would be conjured up and relieve him of all his little local difficulties. Instead of a genie, however, he got Metropolitan Police Commissioner Sir Paul Stephenson. This angel of doom, by implication, stated that Boy David's employing of slinky old Andy Coulson in Downing Street was a far more reprehensible deed than the employing of Coulson's Deputy, Neil Wallis, by the Met. Yet, Sir Peter Stephenson has resigned!

Oh Boy! Our Prime Minister must have been flabbergasted! Who was this upstart policeman to say such a thing? Boy David went on to say:

I would argue in terms of Andy Coulson: no one has argued that the work he did in government in anyway was inappropriate or bad. He worked well in government, he then left government.

There is a contrast, I would say, with the situation at the Metropolitan police where clearly issues have been around whether or not the investigation has been pursued properly. That is why Sir Paul reached a different conclusion. So I don't think the situations are the same in any shape or form.

You can tell, can't you that our Boy is seriously riled! He continued:

As I said to [Sir Paul] on many occasions, including on Tuesday night, the Metropolitan police service inquiry must go wherever the evidence leads. They should investigate without fear or favour.

But I would say that the situation in the Metropolitan police service is really quite different to the situation in government, not least because the issues that the Metropolitan police service are looking at have a direct bearing on public confidence into the police inquiry into the News of the World and indeed into the police itself.

Today, in Parliament - that gem of a girl - dressed in sea blue, Yvette Cooper, pointed out that there was now a lack of public confidence in the Prime Minister himself, wasn't there?
In other words 'what's sauce for the goose - is sauce for the gander!' Stephen son being the said 'goose' and Boy David the 'gander'. But she did not put it as crudely as I have just done.

So - the last week of the Commons until the Autumn! Whew! And Whew, again! The timing may well let Boy David off the hook! But then again ...

Tomorrow the three foolish monkeys are appearing in the House of Commons: Murdoch Senior, Murdoch Junior and the Red-Haired Vamp herself, Mrs Rebekah Brooks! They could ... spill the beans/ dish the dirt/ wash the dirty linen ... Or, they could say nothing at all!
I have booked my seat, along with Arturo. We've collected some sardine scraps and sour cream! Yum! Yum! It should be a feast for the eyes and ears and, in our case, a feast for the belly too!

Take your seats, I urge you as one Holywood legend once said: 'Fasten your seatbelts, it's going to be a bumpy ride'. I just hope Boy David doesn't get motion sickness!

Bye.

Oh Dear, What can the matter be ... @ No 10?

Things should be getting better and better for all @ No 10 ... but they aren't! In fact, things are, if anything, getting worse. Usually reliable Tory Party newspapers are declaring that 'Cameron' was foolish, to say the least, for being so very, very pally with the Red-Haired Vamp - namely Rebekah, and the sheepish looking one, namely Coulson.

After all - he was warned! But as I said, last week, 'You can always tell an Old Etonian - the trouble is you can't tell him anything!' So it seems was the case with Boy David. He was warned but says that he wasn't. Since so many people claim to have warned him - there is obviously something seriously wrong with his memory!

He declares that Andy Coulson and Rebekah Brooks are friends of his. All well and good - everyone needs friends, don't they? But what is important is to distinguish between real friends who have your best interests at heart and false friends who are just smiling at you in order to entrap you.

Sadly, Boy David seems totally to be lacking in good judgement! Not only does he have unfortunate 'friends', he spurns those who try to keep him on the straight and narrow! A highly dangerous propensity for a Prime Minister to possess! After all - we had nearly ten years of Blair who suffered from the same problem! And look at the results!

Maybe, it's time for the Tory Party to grit its teeth and gird its loins - so to speak - and find another leader. But where on earth would they find one? Scour the landscape, as you will, they are all tainted by the stench issuing from the NI vats and there are other media vats still waiting to be uncovered. Is there anyone remaining who has integrity? It looks unlikely.

Sadly, Labour would seem to be no better! And as for the LibDems, they are still in a state of shock to actually be in a 'sort of' Government position!

The United Kingdom is in a real mess! Corruption in high places, everywhere one looks! No one to provide clear leadership! Public services being destroyed! Taxes at a ridiculously low level for the super rich - one wonders why?

I'm just glad I'm a cat and still have the Blue Cross to care for me - when I'm too old to catch rats!

What a difference a day makes ...@ No 10

Boy David, pale and wan, listless and dispirited, a very picture of exhaustion and lack of energy. How very different from the bronzed, alert, vigorous chap who only a couple of weeks ago was bestriding the country from shore to shore.

Enter: Wailing Lad Clegg! But who is this? No longer the 'wailing lad' of a couple of weeks ago! Now, he struts his stuff along Downing Street, knocks at the door without hesitation; enters the room with a sure presence; no longer pasty faced, but a shade of healthy light tan, Clegg is looking smart and well-groomed. His energy levels, once at rock-bottom are now ace-high.

So in twenty-four little hours - the world of Boy David and 'No-longer-Wailing' Lad Clegg has assuredly turned upside-down!

The confident maker of directives and U-turns can no longer feel assured that he can direct or make any kind of turn at all. The Wailing Lad is no longer down-hearted. There is a skip to his step and a lightness to his laughter. He is now the one giving directives. He has issued profound statements:

My message to Rebekah Brooks and the Murdochs is just do the decent thing. You can't hide away from this level of public anguish and anger and indeed interest. When you're in that position of power you are also accountable to the millions of people who consume the products – the newspapers, the television channels.

Make yourself available. If you feel that you've been wronged, if you feel you've been maligned, if you feel that the facts have not been properly set out, then come out and set the record straight. It's a good opportunity to do that.

Only a few days ago - Nick Clegg would not have been the man to even dare look the Murdochs in the eye! He would have hidden from Rebekah - the Red Headed Vamp! Now, he is lecturing them!

Mr Clegg went on to say:

"There is always this sensitive transition period when politicians come from opposition into government and bring people with them as I have done, into government, and it is properly scrutinised and vetted, but it is also an issue of judgment," he said.

"And those judgments do of course lie with the people at the top. The prime minister has explained on many occasions the reasoning he has given for his decision and I will always be prepared to give the reason for the decision I have taken on the appointments I have made.

Can you believe it, such statesmanlike words coming from the Lad?

And what of Boy David? The rest of the day has been silence and meditation.

Still - the jolly old hols are coming up! Sunshine, sand and sea will no doubt work wonders on Boy David. He will come back refreshed and re-invigorated! heaven help us all!

So, we have seen a veritable parable unfolding before us, this week:  the mighty fallen, the weak given strength.  But has the Fat Lady sung?  I haven't heard the first notes - just yet!

Bye!

A bad day for the Murdochs @ No 10

Boy David was up bright and early: nice clean shirt, smart tie, hair done immaculately; had a long gargle, teeth specially whitened. He'd been rehearsing his smile since before breakfast! So - all set and ready to go into the fray of what promised to be a rather daunting PMQs.

Arturo and I took our life in our hands and walked down Whitehall, squeezed our way into Parliament and sneaked into the Chamber. We managed it, my friends!

There were row upon row of noisy, disgruntled looking people all filing in. We had arrived early and slid beneath the Speaker's chair, without being seen.

The session began, Boy David, looking rather flustered, I must say, uttered a few remarks. Then the Startled One, Ed Miliband, Leader of the Opposition, got to his feet to a round of tumultuous cheers from his party - Labour.

Arturo and I heard everything and were surprised to hear Miliband getting the better of Boy David. We saw Georgy from No 11, patting his pal, David, on the back each time he sat down. Rather touching really!

Then Boy David left the Chamber, accompanied by Georgy! Boy David was in a sort of strop! It was all too much for them obviously! They were not going to wait to take part in the big debate about Murdoch, phone hacking and the BSkyB takeover! Funny that! I can't think why they didn't want to say their pieces! Surely, they weren't still worried about the power of Rupert Murdoch and the Red Haired Vamp!

Anyway - into the Chamber lumbered an enormous bear of a man. People gasped when they saw him. Some smiled, others looked anxiously away!

"Who is that?" Arturo asked, awestruck.

"That, my friend, is the former Prime Minister, Gordon Brown. He hasn't been seen for months! He's hardly spoken! He's writing a book! There are many who are terrified of him! Others just loathe him."

The debate began - nothing very enlightening or exciting was said. They all agreed that News Corp could not take over BSkyB - funny that! News Corp had already withdrawn its bid, but since they'd said there would be a debate - there was a debate! Humans are strange, aren't they?

It was very, very, very noisy! The Speaker, a cat lover of renown, controlled the situation brilliantly. Though there was one moment when he shouted so loudly, Arturo and I thought he would pass out! He went purple and the veins on his neck bulged with the exertion!

Then, this Gordon Brown got to his feet! What a man! I'll say it again - what a man! He was magnificent! He spoke with passion. Clearly deeply touched personally, his comments struck a cord with many. However, others kept shouting 'Sit down! Sit down!' He bided his time and only sat down when he was good and ready!

Arturo and I waited till the end of the debate. Wailing Lad Clegg sauntered in at the very end. Clever that! He gave a sheepish sideways glance at the Bear! Then quickly turned away.

The motion was passed - 'News Corp - You've had it!' - That was the general message!
So, the Chamber emptied and Arturo and I crept out, back along Whitehall and through the rose garden into No 10.

"No more bits of crumpet thrown our way from those lovely white fingers!" Arturo bewailed.
"Whose 'lovely white fingers'?" I asked.
"Why the Red Headed Vamp! She liked the look of me, I think!"

I thought about it, for a while. "I wouldn't be too sure about that, Arturo. With women like that and men like the Murdochs - they're never really out of the picture. I reckon, they'll be back!"

Bye from us both!

He loves me .. he loves me not .. he ... @ No 10

Boy David has wisely kept a low profile! Imagine what it's like when your friends - friends who have helped you, in times of need, are in trouble right up to their necks! What do you do? Do you rush to their aid, heedless of the consequences to your ambitions? Or do you pretend that, although you knew them, they did not mean that much to you!

Dilemma, eh? The real horns of a dilemma, I'd say. Suppose, just suppose, that those powerful friends get out of trouble - in fact they even return to their former power. They won't be best pleased with those who did not stand by them! Suppose, just suppose, that those friends don't get out of trouble but have other powerful friends who are still able to cast stones! Got to think of these scenarios - if you're aiming to stay in power.

So, poor old Boy David is biting his fingernails and scratching his head. What to do? What to do?

The answer is to look Prime Ministerial and be above it all. 'Friends? What friends? Didn't know I had any friends!' That's the safest approach for him to take. Even Wailing Lad Clegg is keeping his head down! Never know when he might need a friend of his own.

So, only one person has lifted his head above the parapet - Mililiband - Ed, that is, not David. Yes! Ed has come out fighting. He has called for News International or News Corp - not sure which - to give up trying to take control of BSkyB. It takes guts, Arturo told me, for anyone to do that: to stand up to the Murdoch Press. Depending on how the pendulum swings, this will be seen as a great victory or severe foolishness. I'll lay my money on victory! Ed has the people behind him, on this one. Besides, he has that rather endearing bewildered look about him - and you can never get angry with a bewildered child, can you?

The police on duty outside No 10 look very sheepish, I thought. Pity, really, as they're quite nice blokes, never once aimed a kick at either me or Arturo, which is more than I can say for others round here. But they are feeling tainted by all the gossip about the police getting back-handers from the Press. Everyone who comes in through the door of No 10 holds tightly onto their mobiles - particularly when they pass by the police. What a palaver!

So, as they say - it's all happening! What's more Boy David will have to face the heat tomorrow, it's the weekly PMQs. You know how he does tend to lose his cool, when he gets questioned. I expect the Press Gallery will be full to bursting. He'll be in full rehearsal mode tonight!

I'll keep you informed.

Bye!

Hellfire @ No 10

I read a tweet the other day it said: 'What Murdoch is to truth, Blair is to sanity'. I thought about it, as anyone would. I wondered what the tweeter would say about Boy David. I'm still working on it because as the days go by, things are getting worse and worse! If it was the doom-laden hand of Mephistopheles on his shoulder, last week: now it's the Devil's Claw reaching out for him!

Yes, Boy David is sinking further and further into the mire! He and some of his aides are getting the panics about Mr Coulson! One aide said to another, just a few steps away from me:
"What did we leave lying around our desks when Andy worked in the next office?"
"He didn't need it to be lying around, did he? He just knew things!"
"What sort of things?"
"Everything!"
"Oh, my God!"

So, you see there is general horror here. Who said what to whom and when did they say it? Boy David's memory is not great - so he can't recall his indiscretions. You can bet there were many though!

Now - to crown it all - that Miliband chap - Ed that is not David - is really going for it! He has the proverbial bit between his teeth and won't let go! Why didn't Boy David listen to Wailing Lad Clegg when he warned him about Andrew Coulson? Why, indeed?

It wasn't just Wailing Lad who warned him. All and sundry warned him and did so repeatedly. You can always tell an old Etonian, but you can't tell him anything! I think that's what they say! As far as Boy David is concerned that, my dears, is very true. For he knows the answers to the questions before the questions have been asked - indeed before they have even been thought up! So, such a clever fellow wasn't going to be told who to have as his right-hand man!

Now the sh** has hit the fan! Time will tell whether Boy David will get out of this one. Still, I think he should go and read Christopher Marlowe! Salutary lessons there!

Bye

Hellish smell @ No 10!

Arturo told me there was an awful stink coming from somewhere in No 10. We searched high and low. He was right, the stink was bad! We traced it to a blocked toilet deep in the inner sanctum! Plumbers will need to be called - not of the Watergate type, I hope!

Arturo also told me that Georgy, from No 11, is in a real tizzy! You see, it was Georgy - very enamoured of a certain Mr Murdoch and the red-haired vamp known as Rebekah, who encouraged Boy David to get involved with News International! Of course, our smart talking, fast moving Boy David didn't need much encouragement - he'd have done anything - almost anything - to get his foot behind the doors of No 10! Once he met the NI group, he too fell deeply in love with their promises of future greatness! He should have read Dr Faustus - instead of Politics - at Oxford.

The promises were duly delivered too! The lumbering bear, Brown, was sent off to the wilderness of the woods and the keys to the door of No 10 were presented to the trembling hands of Boy David.

But, my friends, as you all know, presents often come with a price tag. The price tag this time was one Andrew Coulson!

I expect Boy David, like Dr Faustus, must be wringing his hands and pleading for midnight to keep away.

O lente, lente, currite noctis equi!

However, there is one amazing irony in all of this. Our Mephistopheles, talking in poetic terms - you understand - Georgy from No 11, has suffered at the hands of the very people he thought would gain power for his friend. Yes! Ironic though it is - it seems that Georgy's own phone was hacked by 'The News of the World'. Whatever were they thinking of? Georgy is as removed from scandal as is the rose in the rose garden! Surely, they did not think anything salacious lurked behind his phone calls.

And now the curtain is hovering, about to come down on this tragi-comedy, this modern Dr Faustus.

Dwell on the final Chorus in Marlowe's great play, perhaps all politicians, of whatever hue, should read it before seeking power:

Faustus is gone! Regard his hellish fall,
Whose fiendful fortune may exhort the wise
Only to wonder at unlawful things:
Whose deepness doth entice such forward wits
To practice more than heavenly power permits.

Bye.

The Slough of Despond @ No 10

As if things could not get worse - they plummeted yesterday. Boy David sank from the Stew of Disgust to the Slough of Despond in one fell swoop.

How so, do I hear you ask? Well, it was quite an easy slippage really. You see even before our Boy David was made PM, he was being warned about the distasteful company that he kept. Obviously, the company was not distasteful to Boy David, otherwise he would not have kept up with it. But the company was more than distasteful to observers and others who were, and still are, close to him.

The company in question are the select group of 'friends' who live near his Oxfordshire constituency home. They are a very select group, they are the cognoscenti of News International - you don't get much more cognoscent than that!

Such people are, however, dangerous. They discover facts about you, your life, your family - in fact, after a while, it is difficult to detach yourself from such 'friends'. Also, you can never be certain that you actually know such friends, like Janus, their heads face in two directions! 'Yes' may mean 'No' and 'No' may means 'Yes'. They can't help it, you understand, they work for News International.

News International and its papers, 'The Sun' and 'News of the World' are now falling lower and lower in public opinion. In fact, they can't sink much lower. The idea that their reporters obtained stories via phone hacking and by paying the police was roundly denied - at first. Then, there was a tentative acceptance that - perhaps we did pay the police for certain information. This became - well, we did do it but strictly within the legal framework. Some slippage there! The Stew of Disgust is growing thicker and stickier.

As to the phone hacking - after the scandal of the royal hacking and the celebrity hacking, came the political hacking! The public were surprised but not unduly affronted. Then came the news of the Milly Dowler phone hacking - then the phone hacking of the families of the little Soham girls - then of the families of the victims of 7/7 bombings. Finally, came the news that the phones of families of servicemen killed in Afghanistan had been hacked into by person or persons unknown but linked to a certain tabloid newspaper.

And - as if all this was not bad enough - this comes at a time when the supposedly cultured Culture Secretary is to make his decision on the News International bid to take over BSkyB.

Boy David was in Afghanistan when the full enormity of this affair broke. He landed back in the UK to have his ears deafened by the din surrounding it. At PMQs, he took up an aggressive pro-active stance declaring how appalled he was by what had taken place. But he did not desert his selected friends! Oh No! Boy David is nothing, if not loyal.

Worse was to come! This morning, Arturo scampered over from No 11 to see me.

"Guess what?" He asked, whiskers bristling.

"What?"

"Georgy has had his phone hacked! He's livid! He can't believe it!"

So, my friends, I ask you: what is Boy David to do? Will he rid himself of the red-haired vamp, Rebekah? Will he discard the lanky, shifty one called Andy, who has already been forced out of working at No 10? Will he move house in Chipping Norton? This soap opera is still running. How will our hero make out? Will he survive with reputation for decency intact? Or, will he sink into that cloying sticky Slough of Despond from which there is no way out?

Arturo and I will take your bets.

Knock, knock, knocking @ No 10's door - no Heaven here!

Boy David is away on his travels! Afghanistan, so I heard. So, I thought it would be quiet around here - but it hasn't been.

There's been one person after another 'knock, knock, knocking' on this door. And this ain't 'Heaven', so tell that to Mr Dylan!

So, why were the people knocking at this particular door, do I hear you ask? Well, it's because of some man, I had never heard of before, called Dilnot. He's produced a report about care of the elderly. It's caused a right old rumpus here, I can tell you.

Remember that chap called Lansley, the one nick-named 'silver fox'? Always thought that was an insult to the silver foxes, personally. However, this Lansley chap was a bit concerned about the fuss surrounding elderly care. He's the Health Secretary, already in a right mess because of his plans for reforming the NHS. These have been totally slammed by anyone with sense and who actually cares for the NHS! Now, along comes Dilnot and talks about caring for old and vulnerable people. 'Oh Boy!' Thinks Lansley -More money!! Can't have that! We ain't got no money!

To be fair to Lansley, he didn't put it the way I just did. He said:

It is very important that an engagement around social care issues embraces not only the questions of what it is desirable additionally to provide to give people greater security but also how those are to be paid for and there are opportunity costs associated with anything which entails additional public expenditure.

Still those fine words are saying exactly the same thing I said. Right or not?

There was a song by Abba: 'Money, money, money'. Remember it, do you? Well, the Coalition theme song should be that. All they worry about is 'money, money, money!' Of course, it's important! I wouldn't get my regular sardines and cream, if there weren't no money! But money ain't everything.

While the Coalition is fixated on costs, they're spending 'loadsa' money on restructuring reports, surveys, PR ventures, losing MOD equipment, hospitality for foreign officials, sending out unreadable missives. While they send out emails urging people to cut costs, they spend more on huge redundancy pay offs!

The one sure way of getting this precious money that they are so keen on - is to raise taxes on people earning over £150,000. That would bring the dosh rolling in. Will they do that? No, they will not. Why? Because it would go down like a lead balloon with Tory Party supporters. Bankers would go bonkers!

Instead - the Coalition say: let's cut the waste collections; cut back on benefits paid to the poor, homeless and disabled; make sure the BBC loses more money so that it can't spread stories the Coalition doesn't like; reduce the armed services! I could go on and on and on! But, I will resisit the urge!

Mr Dilnot, I think you are on a hiding to nowhere! As long as Georgy, from next door, Lansley from health, many, many researchers and PR people, attached to the Coalition, are all working to keep the Government going - you are not going to see your reforms implemented.

What they will do is set up another committee to 'look into' the findings. They will meet, have lunch, talk, have tea, produce lots of paper reports and decide they need more research!

As the 'hot rabbit' - still in New York was heard to say: 'C'est la vie!'

Bye!

Cameron keeping fit in No 10 @ No 10!

Lovely sunny day in London Town! Blue sky, small white clouds; blackbirds singing; roses in full bloom! Then - what is this I see? Is it a football fan lurking along the twisting corridors of Nos 10 and 11 Downing Street? It certainly is not a boy, an ever so slightly flabby man. It is quite clearly a man - yes! It is a man! He is rather pink in the face! This man looks in the mirror, as he jogs passed, and that familiar smile I have come to know so well, flits across his face. It is indeed - Boy David!

He is almost unrecognisable from the blue suited, dapperly dressed PM of PMQ fame. He is in the full strip of the Aston Villa football club! What is more, when he turns round, I see 'No 10 Cameron' emblazoned across the shirt!

At this point, Arturo slinks in. "Did you see that?" He asks. "What do you think of that?" Arturo sat down and waited for a response. I did not respond, I wasn't sure what I could say. It was all rather embarrassing really.

"He's off jogging! Going to keep fit! Can you believe it?" Arturo was incredulous too. "What's more, he's got five - yes five - protection officers with him."

"Are they going to be running, as well?" I asked.

"Yep! That's the general idea. Four men and one woman all dressed up and raring to go!"

"How much is that going to cost?"

"Cost? What do you mean?" Arturo's green eyes looked puzzled.

"They won't come cheap, these keep-fit-running chaps and chapess, will they? Got to have the right gear, as they say. No doubt they've got special walkie-talkie stuff as well!"

"Got to keep him safe, haven't they?" Arturo added loyally. "There are loads of nutters running round the park!"

"You can say that again!" I chortled. "I said, you can say that again!"

Ignoring my sarcasm, Arturo asked: "Coming for a nap in the rose garden?"

"You bet!" I replied.

So, it's 'Bye' from Arturo:

And it's 'Bye' from me:

Gold-plated pensions @No 10

About a week ago, I caught sight of an article about the Weasel Man - not that that was what they called him. In the newspaper, he was just referred to as Francis Maude. I did a bit of research into this man who claims to be a veritable guru on pensions. He is Tory MP for Horsham. He is also Minister for the Cabinet Office and Paymaster General. Wow! That really sounds impressive 'Paymaster General'. What does the Paymaster General do, I wondered? In addition, this Weasel Man of many parts leads on:

Public Sector Efficiency and Reform
Office of Government Commerce
UK Statistics
Civil Service issues
Government transparency
Civil Contingencies
Cyber security
Overall responsibility for Cabinet Office policy and the Department

Not bad, eh?

So, you would expect such an impressive man to know his stuff, wouldn't you? A man who would always have the facts at his fingertips and to be fair and just. You see, in addition to having such weighty political roles, our Francis Maude has been a lawyer at the criminal bar!!!!

I urge you to listen to the Today Programme interview on Radio 4 on 30 June 2011! Evan Davis' questioning exposed the lack of facts behind Francis Maude's assertions. Even Mark Serwotka seemed surprised! Francis Maude was not the man his CV would lead you to assume him to be!

However, people do not always behave in the way you would expect - Oh No! And Weasel Man, Francis Maude, is one such man. He is utterly determined to stop the 'perks' of civil servants! He has pledged to end the 'archaic' Whitehall job terms. What angers him is the fact that a sick civil servant gets six months on full-pay and six months on half-pay. It has driven him to near frenzy! He thinks it unfair and wrong. The fact is, very few civil servants get a halfway decent salary anyway! But, he claims that it costs the country £300m a year.

He did not discuss the fact that for just 15 years' work a particular group of civil servants could build up a pension of £24,000. In fact, Francis Maude is himself a member of this group of workers. Yes! He is a full card carrying Member of Parliament! In addition, he was not averse to claiming full MP's expenses on accommodation in London - when he already owns a London house! So - who's a gold-plated fellow, then?

Strange, isn't it, that this man jeers and sneers at union leaders fighting for the rights of their members. He calls Bob Crow, leader of the RMT rail union, ‘very much old-style’. He isn't sure how to handle Mark Serwotka, Leader of the PCS Union, saying he is disappointed with his ‘avowed political agenda’ - namely strike action.

The battle lines have been drawn: Fighting Weasel Man, Francis Maude, in the Blue corner with the public sector fighters being painted Red in the opposing corner.

I'm not sure who won Round 1. I guess Round 2 will be on us soon enough! You, the public, are the Referee. As a mere cat, I just watch through the ropes and sit firmly on my tail.

'Bye'