It's POSITIVE, I tell you! @ No 10

Actually the, 'It's positive, I tell you', comments were coming loudly from No 11: so loudly, in fact, that No 10 reverberated. I just couldn't resisit the urge, so I slunk along the upstairs corridor and through the linking passage that leads directly into No 11.

What a sight there was when I eventually got downstairs. All the flunkies were running round in hectic circles muttering: 'It's positive! The figures are positive!'

Some were talking to their mobile phones; others were on Skype; yet others on the good old-fashioned landline. However, they all sang from the same hymn-sheet (pardon me Archbishop!). The message was loud and clear. The GDP figures are POSITIVE! 0.2% is POSITIVE!

Now, I'm no statistician! I'm no economist! However, the figure 0.2% does not strike me as being 'POSITIVE' in any meaningful way. Of course, there were reasons it wasn't 0.3%. What were those reasons? You may well ask! I'll tell you why the figure is only 0.2% - hold your hat on! It's because of the Royal Wedding and the hot weather! Yes, you read that quite correctly, my friends. However, I'll just repeat it for you. The reason we did not achieve a higher rate of growth was because of 1. The Royal Wedding and 2. The hot weather. So there, you have it!

Problem 1. The subjects of Her Majesty were so gob-smacked by HRH Kate and Prince William that they stopped working and production fell drastically! The British were so drunk from toasting the Royal couple that they could not venture out into the High Street and purchase their fags and pie and mash : so retailers' tills didn't fill up! The UK workers had the day off and then needed another day off to recover from the excitement!

Problem 2. The temperatures were so hot in the Spring that the British subjects could not face going to work! The sun shone on the railways in such a way that the trains did not run on time! The air-conditioners failed to keep offices and factories sufficiently cool for people to stay awake and produce reports or goods!

Well, if you believe that - you'll believe anything! But Osborne's flunkies, bless their little cotton socks, are so hypnotised by Georgy that they do repeat with absolute conviction that the 'figures are POSITIVE'.

I'm now going for a bicycle ride with Arturo to have lunch with Her Majesty in Windsor - surely, you believe me!