Wailing & Tub Thumping @ No 10

This morning I woke suddenly to the sound of much moaning and groaning coming from the inner lobby. Naturally, I went to investigate! I found Sad Lad Clegg going on nineteen to the dozen at Boy David. He was bewailing the fact that 'You really aren't playing fair, David!'

Boy David had a thunderous look on his face. I thought, that Clegg lad had better watch it! But I was wrong. It wasn't the Sad Lad who was causing the irritation. As you will find out. This is something of how it all went:

"Now look, Clegg, I do see your difficulty, I really do! I know how important this AV vote is to you. I have no control over George and his mouth - so if he is rude, that's not my fault. As for your Paddy Ashdown - he's not exactly been brimming over with charm."

"Oh, I know, David. But we - that is the LibDems have to get a 'Yes' vote. We absolutely have to! Otherwise, I lose all credibility as leader. The Coalition will collapse - then we're all finished!"

I observed Boy David very closely. A wild glint came into those well-bred eyes, then vanished as quickly as it had come. A scheming chap, our Boy David.

Sad Lad Clegg did indeed look mournful. Those large eyes of his would make any mother weep! Boy David patted him on the back with many a 'Tut Tut!' and a 'Don't worry' and finally a 'Just you leave it to me'.

When he was alone, Boy David's worried look crossed his brows again. He picked up the phone and positively yelled: "George - what the hell is going on? You and I know bloody well that British taxpayers will go mad if they're told the UK has to give an extra £682 million next year to the European Union budget. We'll get the blame!" There was a pause. I heard a high pitched voice the other end. "No, you fool - us - the Tories - we'll be the fall guys." Another prolonged pause. "Well, you sort it, George. Remember you owe me!" Pause. "I've got better things to do. What? I still haven't decided what I'm wearing to the Wedding. So you get on with sorting out that bloke with the unpronounceable name. Yes ... that's him - Janusz Lewandowski. You just sort him out!"